You are toxic.
You are the words unspoken.
You were the missing questions.
You were the extra five minutes in my routine.
You were the extra glance in the mirror.
You were the no-good thought then.
You became the after-thought now.

Thoughts racing, heart chasing.
You're mad, I'm sad.
Can't stop shaking, there's no faking
When I see you in the halls,
I stall, hide behind a pillar, a friend, anything
Just to avoid the awkward eye contact.
I'm not good at confrontations, at the mere thought of it I flee..
You might think I'm crazy or immature,
But when you told me to stop talking to you my mind went a blur..
My friends say you're overreacting, over something so small.
I fear you'll dump me, leaving me lonely..
I'm so sorry.. Please forgive me?

trigger warning:

i'm a wanderer
though most of my travels
occur inside the confines
of my chaotic mind

i wouldn't recommend you follow
because i will leave you behind

     tell me
have you ever gotten lost
                                        in your own mind?
i cannot remember
                              what i was trying to find
perhaps
               i've lost it.

Sat alone in their room
Vulnerable child not yet groomed
On the computer with ***** men pretending to be young and their friend
The fake young person starts a chat
A little bit of this a little bit of that
Luring the vulnerable child falsely to a dare
Take your pants off and sit on the chair
Angle the camera between your thighs
As your reward I've got a surprise
The fake friend continues with the chat
A little bit of this and a little bit of that
The vulnerable child chats right back pleased to be making friends
Agrees to meet the very next day, in a car park a few miles away
No one knows about the meet, no one is aware
The vulnerable child is alone and about to find out their fake friend is really 48
For the vulnerable child it is too late, about to find out where lies their fate
Sadly this trend is growing far and wide.
Let's help our children to stay safe online.

You're always forging me,
to see how far I'll bend.
Hammering me down,
to see how low I can go.
Your heat dances close to me,
but I can't let everyone down.

Though you terrify me,
I would probably still let you cradle me
in your cast iron vice grip
and sing me to sleep,
like Louis
like Ella
crooning,
when I can't breathe.
You could reel me back in
with the promise of
creating something beautiful
and maybe not feeling so
empty and alone
all the time,
but I can't let everyone down.

Your atmosphere ***** at me
and I'm dragging my feet through your sludge,
plodding forward with my eyes cast down.
You know when my mind wanders
or when I'm filling my voids,
so you can sneak in through the cracks
and take your place in my subconscious,
but I can't let everyone down.

I try to remind myself
why your comfort isn't worth it;
like peaking out of my blinds
or chatting with insulation
(pushing me towards one last line)
or fearing the world outside
altogether.
I'm scared because I know
that you're the only thing
that has ever felt like home to me,
but I can't let everyone down.
I can't let everyone down.