i don't recall the day that you left
but i've been cold since the discovery of your absence
parts of me crave your acknowledgment
while the other half fends for itself
and i'm forced to pretend light still lives here
i wonder how much longer i can go
until the tears i cry for you
spill over and all that's left is the cage
that once housed my soul
denial brings me comfort and every night i fall
into the dried flowers and broken glass that fills my being

self love, i miss you

It was a graveyard and overcast sky
and I sat with book and accordian in hand,
hearing the world with its screams
swallow up around me.
The people whom I had loved and lost,
Papa with his silver eyes
Mama her sharp tongue and tough love
Rudy whose hair the colour of lemons
and questioned why, the living and dead,
worlds apart, yet both did not have a choice.
I stood and screamed so that everything shook
the burning rubble and ash and dust
willing my words to bring it all back
but it did not come, and my breath rose in gasps.
Death had looked me in the eye and said,
“It’s not time yet.”
I would shut my eyes to the world
only decades later.
I will understand that there was hate and pain
there was sadness
but even more so, there was love and joy.
I will know that the people I loved had reason
to kiss goodbye
whether it was their own hurt
or saw it as a necessity,
but they were never truly gone from me
always somewhere nearby,
in the thick and thin
frail and worn
of times.
I would learn
to forgive Death that day.
I will understand that
and I will be hurt,
but I will be okay.

~

Not all deaths are sad.
Some, meant to ease their own pain,
Are called freedom.
While some,
Meant to ease the pain of others,
Are called love.

© BT

There's a spit of land where I live
Jutting out into the water, the strait
It's rocky, but has beaches, too
Lots of feral housecats live there
Breeding for years, now....

This place is where my innermost thoughts and feelings
get explored by my broken mind and heart;
heart... just a cavern anymore...
filled with the bones of too many dead friendships
dead relationships
dead friends
dead lovers
why is death such a common thing in my life anymore?

The rising tide wraps around my ankles but I stay in place
standing there staring at the country across the strait
the mountains I've never climbed and I wonder why;
why do I feel so hopeless and destitute anymore?
Why do I bother living anymore when all I know is pain?
How come I feel like I'm drowning from the inside out?
the water is to my knees

I've loved three women in my life
tried to love a dozen more but couldn't
tried to save a hundred souls and can't
so I cry in a pillow at night
I cry standing here and now
salty tears mixing with salty water
just a drop in the ocean I can't change
why can't I change my life?
why can't I make things right?

I keep building up walls but the water pours over
up to my neck and I'm still standing still
I'm a statue with a stone heart,
no,
a stone shell of a heart
cuz I invited hell to my heart
I lost my start
and there's no restarts
High tide fills my lungs
just close my eyes and let it happen