little did you know
that whenever people
tell me to think
about happy thoughts,

i repeat your name
in my mind.

because im happy i dropped my insecurities
because im happy i love everybody
because im happy im full of energy
because im happy i lost my fear
because im happy im free
because im happy i dont care
because im happy im aware

Back then, I didn't understand what you said,
"You are thinking, instead of feeling"
"Woah that was deep", I answered back

And to be honest, until now
I'm still confused

He was always warm
Like his coffee colored skin
His smiled hugged you
Brought you into submission
Until your bones wrapped under his
I'd play with the outlines of his anatomy
The way his muscles protruded
And relaxed when my fingers traced his
His laugh echoed like violins
Symphonies playing wildly in my ears
And when I'd undress
He'd always stare
Singing how he won a master piece
That was only his
And no one else's to share
The summer heat burned us
Yet only the summer knew
The conversations that filled that room
He held a scar on his chest
I'd kiss it everyday to remind him how beautiful pain is.
The way his hair curled
And felt like silk when I'd run through it
The way I'd look down and kiss him
The world stopped
But so did the day he left
And like a VCR
I hit replay
A memory so vivid
Yet fading each and everyday

count the ways you are sad on your finger tips
if you stop at ten and need more, close your hand in a fist and count on your knuckles
later you can count on your toes and maybe, one by one, on every other part too
count on your scars, why don't you try that?
count on your purple bruises
count on your two eye bags, swollen lip; count on your sometimes-throbbing-sometimes-weakening heart
then cry on your tears

I am sure they would do.

You broke my ******* heart.

And you did it from the comfort of your own ******* garden.

While you had a *******  cigarette.

I was curled into the corner of a ******* bathroom, so no one could hear me cry.

I don't ******* cry.
But since then I can't ******* stop.

I can't ******* deal with this.

Why the **** did you do this to me?

I ******* hate you!

Please come back...

****. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****. ****
I want you to **** me.

She is a cigarette
She's a habit hard to break
though breaking it won't matter
because I can't stay away
She is a bad addiction
Relapse is my routine guest
Somehow I always succumb
I never get to rest
I lie at night, so anxious
That I'll see her again,
might lower my defenses
I'll ask to see her when
I'm ready and more stable
(like that was ever the problem)
I'll forget that she's my cancer
I'll Forget will be my anthem

I can tell you that I love her
But know, I'll be ashamed of it
She's that cigarette, half-lit
that you keep in your pocket
When your friends come along
and ask you how you're doing
You'll say you're fine
even though she's burning
through your pants and to your thighs!
But you'd choose burns over whatever
their worried mouths will say
It's all a blur, a cycle
Why does she have to stay?

Why does
she have to stay
if after a few puffs,
she'll only go away?