sometimes I dream about how it used to be,
and whenever I do,
it’s always bittersweet

I used to think I’d achieve great things,
that I’d do well in life,
but here I am

sometimes I wish that I killed myself in seventh grade,
that would’ve saved a lot of things from happening,
it would’ve saved people pain

I used to think I was the smart kid,
the kid who had no problems,
but here I am

sometimes I break down,
almost like a robot with faulty wiring,
it’s exhausting yet refreshing all the same

I used to think I was nice,
the girl who was sweet to everyone,
but here I am

sometimes I wish I was never born,
so I didn’t have to endure this ****,
I’d rather be nonexistent than to live this

I used to think dying was scary,
I’d pray to God, asking him for another day of life,
but here I am

Is it really worth it?
Does loving you out weigh the cons?
You mean everything to me.
But I have these voices in my head
Telling me it's wrong.
These voices make me second guess everything.
I don't know.
What if I'm doing something wrong?
What if you don't really love me?
What if I'm just fooling myself?
...
What if you're just playing with me?
I've had my heart played with before.
What if this is all just set up for heartbreak?
I can't withstand another break up.
What if?
...
These voices keep me up at night.
I can barely sleep.
Sometimes I don't sleep at all.
I just lay awake thinking of all the possibilities.
I can hear the voices telling me that you don't like me.
I can hear them saying things that I know aren't true.
But they make me doubt everything.
I don't know what the truth is anymore.
And that scares me.

I never knew strength until it's all I had left
Stripped of everyone and everything; a victim of theft

I never knew strength until I was visited by death
Pleaded with God until His hand helped me catch my breath

I never knew strength until I faced myself
Staring in the mirror, buried by emotions I felt

I never knew strength until I chose to move on
Acknowledging my future is brighter now that you're gone

I never knew strength until I loved thyself
Standing firm in my convictions while accepting help

I've witnessed my strength; I no longer doubt
But in time I'll learn, I'm capable of much more inside and out

© JL Smith