When it comes to my family and friends
I freak out when they get near my violin
But if it were a conductor or music student
Or a music professor most prudent
I'd let them throw it halfway across Washington

Dear future self,

(First I'll ask) How are you? How's your wife or husband? The kids? How's life treating you?

I know it was hard but it's gotten better..., hasn't it?

(Then I'll go on) Let me give you some advice, that hopefully you will follow.

Don't be like your dad. Don't get into drugs and waste your money away on them. Only to yell at your children when you don't have anymore. Don't be like your dad in the sense of fighting with your husband or wife until they cry. Don't push them away or sleep in an opposite bed, just because of their flaws. Don't act like you love them when you can't even love yourself. Don't settle down and have a family until you know you are stable and know you have taken care of your mental illnesses that eat you alive inside, only to hold a gun to your wife and not remember a single thing to happen.

Don't be like your mom. Don't support your significant other if he or she is tied in with drugs and abuse. Don't leave and then come back so your child can continue to go through your suffering just because you think "you love him". Don't fight with your child until she wants to leave or locks herself in her room just because she feels you hate her, of him if the matter comes to a son. Don't claim you want to **** yourself then disappear without another word, leaving your child behind to fend for themselves against their thoughts and worries of you. Don't let your child wrestle you for a gun that you plan to shoot yourself with. Don't have a family unless you have fixed yourself and prepared yourself.

Don't be like your sibling. Don't hold your children over your parents head and blame you're sibling for attention. Don't ignore your illness and replace real medication with drugs. Don't treat your children as if one is better than the other.


I know it's a lot to take in. A lot of advice to you. But hunny, it's better this way than to let your children relive what you went through. Continue to be different. Continue to be you. Be yourself and you will find happiness. Work hard and you will find gratitude. Don't be your family, and you will find unconditional love within your own family that you have never felt before.

Sincerely,
Past Self.

There's something about her.
Her Jersey accent and how calm and thin it is compared to the thick accented surrounding her,
Her smile and how she can brighten up the day like she were the fire building up the beautiful sun,
Her love and how no matter who you are or what you are she will love you and care for you like no other could,
How she can be a nerd and still be cute as hell,
How she sends me good morning pictures and pictures to try to make me smile when I'm upset,
How my longing to be with her is like a soldier out at war, wanting to be with his wife.
She's 543 miles away..
My heart aches because I want to love her, I want to be with her.
But I don't feel good enough for her, i feel like she deserves better..
I've lied to her, I've hurt her..
But I love her.
...
She's the only reason why  I continue to exist in this retched world..
Scars cover my thigh and wrist yet somehow she knows how to erase them..
She gets my mind off of them as if they weren't even there.
She makes me feel beautiful, she makes me feel loved.
I long to be by her side, I long to hold her, I long to feel her skin, her touch, her breath, her lips, her laugh oh god her laugh....
I long to see her and hear her voice in person as I've only heard it on recording or over the phone.
I have never felt for another woman like I have felt for her...
I'm scared to admit that I like her.. as my parents think this and that and that me being a lesbian might not be an option.
But honestly, If I become lesbian with her, it wouldn't matter.
She's all i love, she's all I want.
There's something about her that draws me in.
She works hard to capture my light and bring it through, and I can't thank her enough for it...


I hope she gets to see this one day and realize that she is good enough, that she is important and that I love her unconditionally.

She brightens my day when my shadows try to swallow me.
She loves me when no one else will.
She is there for me always no matter what I have done.
.....

She is slowly rekindling my heart into one whole piece again..
....

She is gold, she is love, she is my light shinning through the seams.
There's something about her..and that something is everything...
....

That something about her.. I want to be mine for as long as I live.. no matter the consequences..

When I told my phsysical therapist that I'm a lesbian,
her answer was a question I did not ever expect;
"So... Are you a lesbian because you are disabled and you cannot get a boyfriend?"
I was speechless,
looking at the wall,
stunned. *******,
she did not just stereotype every single disabled homosexual to have ever existed.
I stammered no,
and I tried to explain that I have had boyfriends before,
it just wasn't my thing.
Looking back now I realise that,
I should not have explained anything because I don't ever need to explain anything about the people I love.
I have had a thing for girls,
since I was three,
and when I was three years old I did not notice my disability,
the way it's being noticed today.
And the absolute most heartbreaking thing about both my sexuality and my disability is,
that I still do not notice it as much as everybody else seems to do.
I can be the best girlfriend ever,
no matter what my sexuality is,
no matter how my body looks.
And don't get me wrong;
I like guys too. I think guys are wonderful.
If God had created Eve and Ava,
who would have brought me into this World?
I can get a boyfriend if I want one,
maybe someday I find the most amazing guy ever,
and I will not let my sexuality stand in my way.
But for now,
I am a disabled homosexual,
who decided to tell you about it.
And dear physical therapist:
I have never judged you,
not even when you told me you fell for a fat guy,
and now you're married.
So don't ask me if I'm only a lesbian,
due to the fact that I have a disability,
because guess what?
I'll have my disability no matter if,
the person I'm dating,
has a ***** or a ******.

(e.k.j.)