Lost
Empty
Apathetic
Varying degrees of self hatred
Effortlessly breaking me down

Making me doubt
Everything we ever were

Asking politely
Let me be
Or learn to grow
Not digress
Existing in solitude is what I do best

Your assumption
As usual
Is incorrect
The line
where I don’t miss you
Because I was the one
who walked away
But I do
With every fiber of my being
The time
That never seems to pass
The scars that never go away
Your words that echo
The big picture I wasn’t seeing

Empty spots on the walls
Where our photos used to be
Orchestrated perfectly
To tell the story of us
Now the we becomes an I
And our stories have been smashed
Nothing but memories trashed
And discarded
In favor of dishonesty

Dents in the walls
Show my anger
At you
At this
At the destruction
Of a treasure
that was seemingly perfect
There was no way to measure

Everyone seeks but very few find
The relationship that I created in my mind
Built on lies and clever stories
The rust that corroded us over time

The silence is deafening
Even with all of the background noise
We used to revel in these moments
When a simple look was enough
Now we sit fidgeting
Attempting to dodge
Serious conversations
About the state of us as a whole
Apologies
There will never be enough
To take us back to where we used to be
When trust was second nature
And blind faith was our downfall

Tramping around the world
like you own it
Lace top
Short skirt
Fishnets
Knee high boots
Red lipstick
And a goddess complex
With a ******* attitude
Exuding immeasurable energy
Enough to entrap me
In spite of all the red flags
I follow you
Like a stray
Lost until I found you
Worshipping
Like the newest religion
Your body a scripture
Whose words I want to memorize

In the dim light of the street lamps
On a warm fall night
We spoke until we were spinning
On the wonder
Of how this hasn’t happened yet
Laughing until our faces hurt
Over everything and nothing at all
Passing back and forth
Stories of past adventures
And perhaps we’ve told them before
But this time seems different
There’s a spark in the air
Or maybe a gentle breeze
Either way we inch closer
Until we’re inches apart
Knowing this can’t happen
But enjoying the drumroll
Remembering
That we’re in the company of others
We sigh secretly
Not here
Not now
But maybe someday

Awake and Startled
It seems like the same time
Every night
Hearing the crickets
And the rustle in the trees
Listening to the clocks move
Calms me
Until I reach next to me
And find you absent
From my bedside
I would always wake you
For extra company
When these nightmares shake me
But lately these dreams
Have been about you
And you no longer hold my salvation
In your warm smile
The smile that twisted
Like the knife in my spine
Thinking we were indestructible
But we were playing in a glass house
And you enjoyed throwing stones
Reckless with your words
Careless with my heart
Struggling to repair
What you destroyed
Needle and thread
But not so nimble fingers
Sitting in front of a puzzle
Attempting to find the edges
To build some sort of foundation
But some of the pieces were lost
And we can’t begin to make sense of it
Or find the logical way to start again
Sitting in silence
2:59am
As all sound drops out
And this hits me like an avalanche
Focusing on fabrications
You’ve lost me in the lies
And I’m not sure
Where to find myself anymore

She hits the bottle
like she’s playing blackjack
Always wanting more
And inevitably losing it all

She stands in the remains
Of the destruction she’s caused
Filled with regret
Finding salvation
At the bottom of a glass

Coming home jubilant
To speak of all her successes
And all I hear is a buzz
The slurs in her speech
And lose sight of all else

Hearing loosely threaded stories
From that point on
Trying to find the holes
Where the honesty shines through
Knowing she’s far too happy
To be telling the truth

Filled with self loathing
Reeking of liquid courage
Losing her grip on what lies
She’s told before

She loops
And falters
At which point
I close my ears and walk away
Not wishing to waste my time
On tall tales and a tossup
No matter which side the coin lands
I’ve lost myself
In this battle with your illness