you asked me, “how you’re doing?”
while pointing your gun on my head
when you could’ve brought some flowers
and said the same thing “you never felt like that”
i still would’ve forgiven you thinking,
you are still a kid figuring your feelings out
but you’re still in utter disbelief of my love
that crossed seas for you my love

now let me tell you how i am doing
tell you, “what your desertion brought me?”
summer went by without ‘summer love’
and fall full of depression
my eyes rained blood
and fog covered my whole world
with no place to call home

A month named after Maia
A transition from spring to summer
24 rotations on its axis
19 circles round the Sun
A boy born, his future uncertain
Years of hardship, keep enduring pain
Heart shattered at 16,
And haven’t recovered from the loss
Her body cremated and ashes in the river
Never got a chance to bid farewell
Turned 17, oh what a miserable life
School life turned to hell, full of rumors and lies
At 18, graduated from school
His efforts and work never came to ripe
I hope you’re okay on this fine Friday
Accept my regards as this poet turns 19
Cause I haven’t given up yet

oh my! oh my!
i always prayed for days like these
“when i would run late for the class
and someone saving me a spot”
though something it speaks to me
of truth i’m facing bigger than my dreams
“this ain’t your dream college
this ain’t what you worked for”

but something it speaks to me
“avenoir a great this desire, till you see the worst”
a savior in the war
a refuge from my demons
shelter till i fly again
my cold barren land
has already dug my grave
i’ll stay till the summer arrive

my firm belief in your words
that i believed it to be true
you played your games
but hid your troops
“i love you”, is what you said
but it lacked the feeling of you
memories i woven on a tangle thread
but you burnt it down with me and you

ashes from your fire reached my crown
and our ill fated love reached oblivion
i tried, you tried and we both screamed at the sky
now that you’re gone, my cries cannot reach to your sky
my friends seek pleasure in my pain
my lover died before the age
my eyes cried in longing of you
searching closure but pain is here to stay

yesterday august knocked at my door
today he is once again here
and asked me if I’m fine
with every week, month, year passing
the time continues to count days dear
since you sail on your ship to seek peace
leaving a part of you engraved in me behind

stole my peace,
pushed me into the storm
who once was oxygen
is now a poison pushing me to grave
never ever before my eyes punctured at night
never ever before i thought of goodbye
i knew the risk i was taking
i knew how it would end
yet i chose to love you for your words
i still do, i fear

winter knocked at my door
before it could bloom
staring into an abyss
i long for the days old good

deserted like embers from burning firewood
love took a huge rebound
still waiting for it to return
return in the best shade of blue

i saw the gray entering my periphery
the fog  covered my sense of insecurity
thought- the lost is for someone who are “us”
but my story didn’t even began

betwixt the chaos and happiness
i'm feeling something
in the tranquil nature of wind,
in the tranquil sounds of birds
in the tranquil calmness of the pond
i see a reflection of mine
and hope for the eternal peace
to put out the fire
to challenge the eldritch figure
who has destroyed my home

i've been vexed by my haunting dreams
i've been vexed by the actions i take
each step i take feels like dying
each breathe feels like perishing
each thought feels like confined
time to quell this nearer or beyond the horizon
clouds of uncertainty surrounds this question
all i know is a place in my mind
where tranquility takes over my soul

in my boat with a knife
floating on a silent, blue sea
what a serene beauty
bewitched by the cursed one
my boat is drowning
the moment's grace to draw the knife

climbing up high to touch the clouds
gray mountains are challenging me
my leg slipped, i'm falling down
the moment's grace to draw the knife

for me blue is a shade of gray
happiness is an illusion
always ending up in the same old cage
where death keeps a hold on my thoughts
an inner turmoil that is never at peace
poetry i write,
from every dying fragment of me

in my periphery
you arrived at my door
with your guns and cannons
i wondered why the uproar?
marched into my house with full force
and aimed your cannons at my door
to destroy my peace and drag me to the sea
the celosia in my garden still flourishing in the war
been through your drought, my undying love
i hate you to your face
but I love you behind your back
my friends called it a “a toxic affair meant to be crushed
either by fate or by your lover’s hand”

at the cemetery of dreams
buried but not achieved
their dead soul rises at night
to haunt my existence
and remind those good memories

something i added on the fabric
something i penned on the paper
remain unforgettable
and I find myself reeling and mourning
days turned to nights
and nights turned to days
with no sign of goodbye

the chains that hold on to me
i kept ‘hold on to the memories’
now screaming looking at the sky
beacon tell me will I survive?

the chains of the past
and the pain stuck under my skin
the blood moon is on the rise
and something buried will come out at night

in chains of blood
in chains of memories
i try to survive
but haunting midnights comes after

your ghosts keep you awake at night
you hate the nights but are forced to be a nyctophile
night is supposed to be an hour of peace
but something burned rises from the ashes

goodbye came as if it’s always by your side
your eyes rained turning red in pain
but like a warrior, you keep that mask
hiding the painful truth behind that smile

you see yourself as a grown-up version
always trying to bring daylight into the dark
but what can you do in daylight with daylight
when in both hours, demons rule your mind

you carry a dagger stabbed in your heart
but suppress the tears full of guilt and pain
You’re a child of the moon
Light your own world for once

our long lost love in depths of time
our story like a folk tale
started with a kiss and ended in a torturous goodbye
will passed down in time
to be recited for generations
was never too pure and dark

in my wistoragic periphery,
i saw you come and leaving
i wonder,
what if our mondegreen conversations
never led us to different places?
what if you would've been the one?
the one i would dance with
the one i would host parties with
the one i would sing my songs to
the greatest love of all time in our own movie?

everyone flying high above the clouds
a gasp and i fell on the ground,
my blue ink is now red, glittering with tears
their blue ink fought the great war, the real winners
pain for evermore caused by the dagger,
a dream so grand, an epic defeat
a search party sent into the woods,
i pray now & then to rise
a latibule to reverse the augury
ended up in a chimera
someone set fire to the woods
suffering from asphyxiation
learnt about the twinkling lights in the sky
learnt about the script that was never mine
i dreamed to be so high, stargazer is just a word now
my dream shattered, i cried
an excruciating pain

Staring at the sky, pink-blue
That just cried its eyes out, dark-maroon
Emptiness from the inside, don’t know what to do
Close my eyes or hide inside my room
I cry in veil
As the man cut my wings
The defeat led to my feet
His actions, his words
Still haunts my existence
Should I stay or die?

Arrival of fall, rustling of leaves
Strangers walking down the alley
Far reaches from the city grounds
A girl, a charmer arrived in the fall
The planet on its tiptoes danced 16 times
To welcome new chapters in her life
In the trouvaille, I found a friend in a stranger
A friend I never knew I needed,
In my journey to love myself
The courage flowed like river from her words
Her aura that outshines moonlight
In longing of someone, she counts the stars
A hidden sadness behind the beaming smile
A hidden pain behind those eyes
In her happiness, the gunnen rises on me
Went through ups and down
She always fought the demons in her mind
A figure who loves “tea”, to be debutante in her prime
Have friends like poison ivy
But she knows how to live life

in the woods
dances a devil named hope
that is out to get you
it holds a power, so divine
it can set your life in flames
or grow daisies on your grave

do not step on the same steps
do not walk on the safe grounds
it will as you to take risk
give you poison or love potion
to see what it makes of you

on a little evening walk
lost in my thoughts
wondering what others are up to
while i'm left behind,
crushed with my own thoughts

the sky turned dark
cool breeze begins to flow
peacocks are singing
trees are dancing
clouds are weeping

i'm completely soaked,
not moving at all
dark clouds that heal
i want to drown
to come out alive

in search of closure,
I kneel on the ground
and pray to the god of sky
and ask him to take back gray
give me my blue sky
In search of solace,
I met a lot of travelers
With stories of unrequited love and
Hope for love in their eyes

The drought ended after 50 days
For to be back at my door in 5 days
A friendship built on love bond
The bond broke, I’ve nowhere to run
I turned into a ghost, never slept through the night
Cried all day long, a never ending torture
Without getting sight with tears in my eyes

i came across a case like historians
who failed to decipher scripts of old age
i failed to read his mind
who through his actions had put it on display
i failed to read his actions

kept his life locked behind the doors
never letting me in
and knowing
what he was going through
i foolishly
               tagged him
               blamed him
“for ruining our friendship”

the mizpah, the bond that kept us close
broke in an instant
bringing my world to an
“blackout”
my nights turned haunted again
the savior absquatulated me again
my ghosts began to rule over me again
leaving me in a state of despair

darkness that once I befriended
is pulling its strings and laid down it’s plans
the tales I recited following the shadows
of his and her, my and their life
are being used as a canon
to shatter decomposed walls
who plead me to say “yes”

with every single breeze,
with every single breathe,
i refuse to kneel before defeat
in my cold barren land,
every season feels colder
but I’m looking at horizon
waiting for that summer
to let the dear readers know
“i’m trying not to dissolve in the darkness,
that eternal excruciating peace”

sacrificed on the name of joke
became laughing stock of the group
my friends reflection in the mirror
appears rather dull than bright

rust entered in the open wounds
scars that cover my whole body
friend is a word to use with care
growing ivy does not make them rose

in a corner of my mind
the shattered me sits in utter silence
unable to carry and fly with wind’s pace
the weight on my chest drags me down to same place

even the pills can’t help me calm down
the screams get louder with harrowing memories
the daggers in my chest are hard to remove
every task i face, a mountain hard to move

death accompanied her and me
but i was the one brought back from the sleep
only to sit discomposed in utter silence
stream leaked from my eyes,
like river from a cold glacier
hundreds of wolves eyes,
staring at mine
the leak is old but strong
i cry now and then
as flood of memories
sweeps into my head

Walking back home, I take my time
To feel that summer evening
The birds returning to their nests
The sun is glowing red
And the night is one step ahead
The sun’s beautiful reflection in the pond
And the cold breeze that hit me and down to my soul
I stand there in peace and hear the voices of crickets
The serenity I feel in the euphonious tracks of nature
Walking back home, I take my time to
Feel that summer evening

sound of burning fire crackers reminds me of a day
light from burning fire crackers reminds me of a day
when you were her, joining the group with joy
i watched you from the sideline when your face light up pink
the smile that never faded till you were here
but the feeling engraved within me tells me to cry
i meet you in my dreams and always try to tell you
“i love you mother, you were so blue”

on a ship wandering on seas
a sea of peoples seeking for peace
i asked them,
“if the ship went down, which flower should they use at my funeral?”
he said lotus
but I said lavender
she said peony
but I said sunflower
out of the crowd someone screamed out,
“use a bouquet”
i asked ‘why?’
he rephrased it and said,
“idiot they all mean recovering and peace”

midnight and,
far from my town's bright light
in darkness of sky i find solace
in darkness of sky i seek freedom
i look at the glittery trail of stars
the satellites moving as if stars are racing
the Pleiades looking like a small ursa major
i lay my head on the grass
before fog comes to obscure my view
before its grayness takes all over me
i look at the stars, spot constellations
wishing if i could fly through them
wishing if i could go and visit a planet
wishing if a planet that can carry the weight
the weight of my emotions,
the weight that pulls me down on the ground
there's a freedom in the night sky
meant for dreamers, meant for believers
i want to dream, i want to believe
that i will be fine
midnight, and i run away from the town
to seek freedom in the starry night

standing on altar
they said “greatest lovers united”
bejeweled in ‘shiny stones’
later to be thrown back
at me in courtroom

my obscured vision of love
i’m stripped off your ‘lover’ title
how did we get here? My love
from singing together at our wedding
to you playing at my funeral

trying to put back the bricks
that you once threw at me?

realization struck you
when I’m gone
your efforts will go waste
but dear you succeeded in saving your face
your tears of regret won’t dry any sooner
my love wasn’t an illusion
you will share my tears
but I wish you well
and someone who will share those tears

there’s a ghost in my glitter filled room
that reminds me of you
and says, “you are my only muse”

night is the hour of peace
but once the clock strikes at midnight
the ghost comes out to take me to hell

loving you was never a crime
but when i’m trying to move on
your memories still lingering around this time

Dear readers,
i now recite a tale, a poem,

aviothic wishes, made from the glass
to hang in the hall, where peoples dance
if i rephrase it, i'm a mirroball
i carry the weight of my emotions and thoughts

the moon dancing around blue earth,
a mirroball in the space
shinning bright till the eclipse hit it
i'm fine till the mirroball breaks

i know i'm in pain but i'll still smile
shine like a star that never turns dark
you know,
the star has a work to do,
because down there somebody is looking for
something to look at
to calm their inner storm & be at rest

on my desk
lays a plan grand
to escape from my town
and live in the valley

waking up to the sound of birds chirping
ending my day with a walk in the evening
at night, sipping tea by the fire
to falling asleep in the arms of my lover

i’ll watch, “trees shedding a part of them in fall”
i’ll watch, fog cover my ground”
i’ll watch, “rain pouring down”
i’ll watch, “green take over again”
and
i’ll watch my inner child heal

words from them won’t hurt anymore
looks from them won’t scare anymore
scars from them will stitch up this time
and they won’t be there anymore

i’m still at the same place
sitting by the same old lamp
where we penned
a tale, a poem, a song for the ages
while listening to same old music

in void of your voice
and the letters you used to fly
from your place
i’m wishing on every star
for a force to come by and tell me
is it over now or is it an illusion?

my mind is my graveyard
a death place of my happiness
that keeps stabbing daggers
by bringing back memories

i looked up your name
not once, twice or thrice
but thousands of time with my each cry
i see you’re doing good
by locking me in a cage
and throwing away in the sea with the key
leaving me to drown and die

standing on a cliff, waving at the ship
drought hit eyes, a sorrow ending
happiness in goodbye, never destined
lessons learned, pages turned
a new chapter waiting for his return
five steps back and five steps forward
amorous story and remergence

my world surrounded by gray clouds
a moment’s happiness is all i seek
my heart covered in magoa
a affectionate touch is all I need
i want his life
not jealous but rather envious
judged by the divine power
my latibule lies in his world

in quiet of the nights
his demons comes out
and begin to rule over his mind
attacks are made
wounds re-open
and bleeding doesn’t stop
as he confront his demons
with his head high but knees on the ground

memories, promises
failed dreams, enemies
and 19 years of life
flash before his yes
everything start to pull his nerve
with screams so loud, a cursed man’s curse
his house is his grave
and there are cries in his silence
begging for help and lord’s forgiveness

the clock pointing to midnight
the walls are coming closer and closer
i’m going mad
my biggest fears begins to rule over my mind

scared of my own thoughts
scared of voices that tells me to die
i would put my hands on ears
and close my eyes

the paper says “i’m depressed”
stuck between haunting midnights
a fight between life and death
have no clue where i shall seek shelter

verses dipped in gray ink
his blue sky failed to turn pink
color changed faster than light
love in gray his soul screams
moon obscured by the fog
he dreamed of anastolic dreams

tattoos are hard to get off
his mind made him a slave
refused to burn in that fire
he decided to stay at same place
wishing on that wishful star
he burned his pride and let his tears rain

picked like a flower in the storm
by tyrant monsters like it's a fun game
hurt his pride, and took his crown
his days never saw daylight
in that dark haze brought by the storm
search for a beacon came to an end

live as an alien in his own town
in void of someone,  he couldn't lift up his quill
blood moon and screams in his head
pain and bruises stuck under his skin
parted ways when times were rough
his quietude and joy's eclipse

you’re so majestic, I don’t deserve you
you’re so grand, I don’t deserve you
your heart is nothing but pure
and I fear my gray one will infect yours too
my love can cross border’s but yours can cross universes
i hope the sun smiles at the brightest for you
you’re kind, I don’t deserve you
you’re the muse I don’t want to hurt, I don’t deserve you

clouds cried in pain
and turned purple-pink
ataraxia is on the rise
the savior has arrived
to turn the blood moon
back to gray

was it all an illusion, a dream?
i opened my eyes
they are nowhere to be found
certainly a beautiful place to visit
to take away my pain
even if its just in a dream

in the serene countryside,
he found himself on a cliff
caught in chains of blood
pushed to the edge by his father will
who wished he never existed

too depressed to scream it out
even the nature can't help him out
alive but hushed into a confinement
only to live scared of  new dawn

in denial
but pacing while room is on fire
motion capture fail to paint his emotions
"I'm fine"- a product of his illusion

litany of reasons but pain stuck under his skin
too afraid to pen about, too afraid to scream it out
demons are his rulers, will demons be the winners?
help! he is drowning he can't put out this fire

Some days, I want to be left alone,
while on others, I want someone to hold my hand.
Either I walk out of the woods alone,
or I need a light to guide me through this pain.

My ghosts feed upon my thoughts,
even when I assure myself I'll be just fine.
My sighs never forget their true self,
and my heart continues to beat like a drum.

In a pitch-dark room, I sit, broken and unaware.
The future seems too harsh to live in,
and my present doesn't even care.
Either way, I long for the light that can save me.

dear gentle reader’s, go out and have fun
the summer is here, go visit a bookstore
feel the zephyr as it touches your face
when sun is up high and
swan’s playful game in the lake
sit by the lake with poetry in one hand
watch ladybug climb up your hand
lay down your head on the green grass
watch the paintings that tree shadow paints
forget your tiring efforts, make new memories

my muse
my unspoken words
our antithetical stories
your charm
your goodbye before the dawn

i traced the lines of our fate
never aligned
the red string woven around
which seems too weak
your presence lingers around me
like a shadow

rain poured down before
before we became alive
before i let it out
before i could hold on
before you screamed it out
i watched you being washed away from my shore

i watch the rain
blurring edges of my side of the world
as i wait for it to cleanse my wounds
as i wait for it to blur my memory
as i wait to let go

adrenaline rush through his veins
beat like a drum races on a highway
shadow dissolved in dark corner of his room
his thoughts has consumed his refuge

lost in the battle against his own fate
lying on the ground, wounded but can’t say
his cry for help never goes out of tower
held captive in cell of his brain

lurking in the shadow
to hunt her down
to put all the blame on her
there’s a man dressed as clown

was it that “her clothes too short”?
was it that “she was too easy”?
reasons circled around
there’s a man dressed as clown

clown is unapologetic
clown is a predator
clown is a hypocrite
there’s a man dressed as clown

memories blending with the melodies
melodies i hear that bleed memories
memories that are covered in gray
melodies make me relive the pain
wind up in the circle with nowhere to escape
nostalgia is a sin to commit, melodies are my bane
memories holds a grip on me, don't associate song with your pain
cadence is a song that nature hums
after goodbyes, never meant to happen
live or die, the world moves on
i'm too weary to play this tortured game

drops full of anger, guilt and betrayal pouring down
from my eyes like rain in a sleepless night
soaked in blood and it’s stains on my gray shirt
two daggers stabbed at the same spot
their existence in my words and work
but for them I’m just a mirage,
a pseudo reflection of life in a dead desert
a hand to pull them out of it, a toy to be pushed into it
a ecosystem flourishing in peace but burnt down by fire one night
my quill, my papers untouched for a time,
lived in an illusion, a lie, that unforgivable sin

our inimical truths
our baleful words
have torn us apart
i stood for myself
you stood for yourself
i gave you signs
you gave me signs
but fate had other plans
now dark heart is all we have
with all its chambers full of detest
if I come to your door
you won’t open
if you come to my door
i won’t open
so we lost our love
to the hands of our fears
never to come back
never to be same