To this day,
your name
still hurts my tongue
but I still say it anyway.
Sometimes I like to
hear my soul
gently tear itself
apart.

Maybe, just maybe I can finally be me
Maybe, just maybe they'll let me be free
And maybe, just maybe I won't be judged
And maybe, just maybe...
I'll finally feel loved

i feel weak
everyday another piece of me folds in
slowly
im becoming the thing you never wanted to see
im becoming to reach the point you hoped i would never

im the piece of paper in the bottom of your bag
the one you needed
you lost it and spent ages looking for it
but by the time you found it
it was torn to shreds
it was no longer useful
and you groaned and complained
but then you got another
and you were thankful that there were others
to replace the one you forgot about
until it was too late

but i couldn't forget
i laid there in pieces wondering what happened
you cared
but you realized it got bad
and then you realized it was too late
and you moved onto the next person to care about
until it was too late for them too.

i'm extremely okay with my life and me.
i feel comforted by the fact that one day i'll be owning my own bakery and coffee shop.
i'll be surrounded by the people i love and
i know that they'll love me back too.
i thank the univer for the good and the bad times,
for i know that they'll only do good in the end.

On Christmas Eve I was talking to my brother

It was 2:30 in the morning

We had both been drinking.

I read him one of my poems.

That one about surviving myself.

It sparked a conversation.

The tough kind.

About suicide.

I told him I truly believed most people

Dont WANT to die

They just want the pain to stop

I told him it was a cry for help.

He told me my first attempt was not.

He said with tears rolling down his cheeks

"You were done that night."

With tears now streaming down my cheeks I replied

"I can't talk about this. Not tonight."

"I know." He cried

"Did you ever get help after that night? After seeing me like that? Did you talk to someone?"

"I couldnt talk about it. It was too hard."

At this point we're both bawling.

I wrapped my arms around him.

I apologized.

See that's the thing about attempting suicide and surviving.

If you're lucky enough

To survive

You have to witness the pain everyone around you feels.

Because of you.

I never use to think it was selfish.

Not until Christmas Eve.

I broke my brother.

6 years ago.

And he's still haunted.

i cannot
keep going on
please forgive me.