You'll never know..
The emotions I choose not to show.

I can't tell you enough.

I just want to die

****** me tonight

Creating a character.
Its perfect dialogue.
Turn the page.
Find out what's next.
Read about his horrid past..
One that didn't last.
Find out that you were wrong all along.
That the hangovers don't last.
And sobriety comes fast.

You make my blood boil

We're like water and oil.

I'm seriously debating..
About ending my life.
One fiction story later.
I'm torn on what to do.
Will I lose?

*I'm sure

Death**

What if I died?

Just decided.. well..  
you all don't care..

And just took my last breath of air?

Would you miss me?

Probably not.

Do you ever look in the mirror,
and question what you're doing wrong?

I looked in the mirror today.
I thought nothing changed.

But, things changed.

I lost a teacher to cancer.
I lost my care.
I lost my compassion.

Did you ever wonder what's out there?

I did.

But, then I quit thinking.

Because it killed me.

I'm changing today.
You are in shock and dismay?
Well, that's great.
Because, I'll do whatever it takes.
I'm saying sorry.
And hoping you'll forgive.
Because, we all make mistakes.
And I'm not grey anymore.
I'm sorry, Jess.
I'm sorry, Laura.
And
I'm sorry, Kaitlin
I'm sorry, Elizabeth
You know what?
I'm sorry to anyone who has been hurt by me.
But this is what change means.

It's hard to fall asleep without you.
Guess I never thought this weekend
would be so hard..
It's dark and I'm alone..
And I'm thinking about you..
Yeah.. You know I love you?
With everything I have?
Every part of me craves you.
And Monday can not come soon enough.

Not like you'll see this..
Not sure I care.
As long as it's out there..
somewhere.

I'm sorry.

For everything.

Not that it matters

But, I'm sad I lost the light of you.

And, I'm not exactly sure what I did...

Besides trust you.

And care about you

But, it doesn't matter.

Because, I have to quit.

And give up on this ****.

Done with Luna.

Done with all of it.

So...

S
          O
                     R
                               R
                                          Y

For everything.

I hate that you hate me.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But, really?
I know I'm incapable of helping myself.
Because, I wouldn't know what to do.
Wouldn't know where to start.
But, all I know is you make it so obvious..
That
You
Are
Writing
Poems
About
*Me.­

I depend on you.
You get me through.
I don't know what I'd do...
without
*you.

Two days..
Too long to wait.
I may go insane..
Without your gorgeous face..
You kiss me..
Parting is such sweet sorrow..
Well that's what Romeo thought.
And their happily ever after didn't last forever.
But, I want to be in your arms for as long as I'm alive.
If you leave me, I'll die.
Just keep kissing me.
And I'll live happily..
ever
*after.

I love how every little poem is directed at me..
Although it feels like a stab..
I will just ignore it even though it hurts..
Just like a scab..
That continues to be picked..
But, I used to trust you.
Used to love you.
Now you see that I am done.
And that I'll stop bothering you.  
So understand..
I'll probably skip your class.
I won't pass.
But, it won't matter after awhile.
So just pretend everything is okay.
That's fine with me.

Apologies..
They don't mean a thing.
Even if they mean everything.
I do want to apologize..
For making you my realize my horrible side.

Yesterday* you passed away.
No matter what I say..
It doesn't take the pain away..
You were my teacher..
No matter how bad you were treated..
You still were amazing.
And I want to thank you..
Wherever you are.
And you are always in my heart.

I'm nothing but happy..
When I can kiss you..
Underneath the mist..
When you part those sultry lips..
I'm nothing but putty in your hands.
I love you..
You don't even know..
Be with me forever please?
I need you with me..

I've pushed everyone away.
Had enough today.
Can't take pain.

Sweet Honesty Elizabeth.
Oh what I want to tell you is..
That I love you so..
And you don't even know.
You make me think that I can be almost anything.
Believe
You need to hear a few things from me.
That things are crazy..
Be there for me?
I'll be there for you, too.
I know you get stressed..
But you NEVER fail to impress..
Your elegant beauty...
Just stuns me..
Just never stop believing...
*In yourself..

There's

A

Gap

In

Us.

Lost

In

No

Trust.


Y
  O
     U

A
   R
      E

M
    Y

E
   V
      E
         R
            Y
               T
                  H
                      ING.

If you thought I was okay..
You were wrong.
If I faked a smile...
Would you be gone?

Heartbeat racing.
Nerves shaking
We only have one day left..
Until I strum a few chords..
And read a few words.
My brain is filled to the brim with thoughts.
What will I have lost?
Nothing I thought.
So just practice.

Laying in the grass..
With my Barrett M82 on blast.
I walk by and I knife you in the back.
20 kills for the win.
On the top again.
I use my scope so I can get a long shot.
But I think one single thought.
I've got one in the chamber.
So please remember that I will...
I will **win

Row..
Doe..
I have to mow.
There's a crow on that show with a bow.
That's all I know.

Listening to Therapy by All Time Low
I used to be cool.
Well, that's not true..
"The experts say I'm delirious."
Well, that's true for all of us.
You're lucky if your memory remains,
like grains in the sand.
I'm smiling at everything.
Just trying to be okay with these changes.
Like nothing made us any different.
But, what?
Was it all just love?
You lie.
So do I.
Just kiss me goodbye..
I'll dream happily if you do.
Just know I love you.

We've all been called names.
Fighting every single game.
With nothing to gain.

Today I heard the word "gay"..
Of course it was being used in the wrong way..

I also heard "******."
What gives you the right to say that?

I heard multiple people call themselves fat..
What sense is that?

Do you honestly think that?

You are truly beautiful the way you are. And don't let anyone tell you that you aren't.

******* society.

Today I am in search of something.
Something I'll never find.

Today I decided I'll try to change..
Forget about you in exchange for words on this paper.

I've decided to live my life.
To just fly.

Soar until I reach the sky.

Today I have decided my goal in life.
And the journey starts here.

Please take me seriously.
I will end myself.
Maybe I just need some help.
But, where do I look?
Just take the life out of me.
And put it into someone else.
I'm done.
I'll give everything to take my life away.
So goodbye.
And don't ever wonder why.

I thought I mattered to someone. Somewhere.
Thought I was alright.
But I'm not.
I'm searching for a soul.
Someone who cares.
One that will help me win this battle against myself.
I think today is the day.
Where I say I've had enough of this pain.
Take the pills to feel again.
Enough of slant rhymes..
Enough of Luna.
Enough of everything I had made.    
Are you gonna care?
I'm just gonna try to take my life.
Try to find light elsewhere.
Dear god, take the air from my lungs.
Because, honestly I've had enough.

You are my mom.
You are supposed to accept me
Respect who I can be.
Your words feel like knives in my back.
But, watch as I fade to black.
I've lost all trust in the mother I once loved.
Will I ever be enough?
Why can't you do what mothers do?
Be there to help me through?
You are so unreliable.
Always in denial.
Your boyfriend is crazy.
Did you ever once think, that maybe he'd hurt you?
Or me too?
He's a fool.
And guess what?

You are too.

How many cuts could I count?
How many could I place in time and context?
I had to admit that I couldn't remember the occasion of almost any of them, their catalysts, whether epic or mundane, completely obscured by time.
So many moments of supposedly unendurable pain, now utterly forgotten.
You start to think, maybe I don't need this anymore.
Maybe I never did.
I was trying to get equilibrium from two extremes: either I was so upset that I had to cut myself to relieve it, or I was so numb that I had to cut myself to get back to being there.

I'll leap into darkness.
Lost myself today.
You don't know me anymore.
Don't tell me it'll be okay, because you aren't the one going insane.

To be loved to madness - such was her great desire..
Love was to her the one cordial that could drive away the eating loneliness of her days.
As she sat, we all watched from a distance.
As she broke the silence.
The tears rolled down her face.
We knew..
She lost him..

This is true.

It's like I realized that way down inside, I've always been lonely for something.
But, I don't know what for.
It's like everybody in the world wants something.
Only they never really know exactly what it is - they just keep finding out what it's not.
You know how, when you turn the TV off or you come out of some concert, and everything feels empty?
Like you thought that it'd be what you wanted then wasn't?

Today I sat down..
And thought aloud.
What am I doing in this life?
Did I serve a purpose?
Was it worth it?
Am I worth it?

Today I talked with an old friend.
She warned me that this isn't the end.
I wonder in my mind if there's honestly time.


Today I lost my best friend.
May his body rest until the end.


Today... I am a new soul.
A new butterfly.. In a group of moths.
And like moths to flames.

I will be new again.

I feel so worthless.
I feel so alone.
I'm on my own.
Nobody can see
how bad I hurt.
But, you'll see
when I'm buried
six feet in the dirt.
I slash my own arms.
Try to run away
from all the mistakes that I have made.
Trying to stay sober
trying to take all the pain
trying to keep myself in this game.
I hear the voices in my head.
So many things that I would like to understand.
Pain, oh, pain, why do you have to bother me today?
I have my mom telling me, it's only the things that I hear,
but, mom why do you drink so many beers?
It's apparently an ancient joke.
So, just let me take one small ****.
I feel like a joke.
There's no hope.

I'm feelin' a bit bubbly,
not a single bit sober.
Tryin' to recover the things I have told her.
I don't mean to be a bother but have you seen this girl?
She's been running through my dreams.
It seems like she's the one I need.
She's got beautiful brown eyes.
If she died, I'd die too inside.
She understands my life is an inaudible melody.
There is always three parts to life.
A beginning, a middle,
and coming soon, the end.