What do I do now?
How do I move on?
My ideal doesn't want me
If it was a physical ideal
I'd be fine
Looks are just looks
No reason to dwell too long on those
My ideal though
My dream person
The person I always hoped for
Doesn't want me
I never thought of that
Not that I'm a great catch
And that the thought of rejection never occurred
It's just that I never thought
Not once
That my ideal would reject me
Would love some one else
Or pursue others
And tell me about it
My ideal tells me about their ideals
And I'm not them
If that wasn't enough
No, its never enough
My ideal keeps pushing
Keeps wanting to be closer
Wants to know more about me
About the person who never opens up
About the person who it hurts to do so
They want to know everything
And I want to tell them
Oh god how I do
But I can't
I always imagined the personI would open up to
The person I could give myself to
The person who would accept the good
The bad
The broken
Just me
I imagined
Oh I imagined
In my darkest days
This person who would be My Person
I imagined we would just fit
We would click for some reason
I imagined they would hold me close when I was feeling sad
Answer whenever I called in case something happened
Bicker with me just for fun
Tell me what was wrong so that I could make it better
Would make me laugh just because they could
Cuddle with me because I went through something tough
Kiss my head just to show they cared
Hold my waist or hand as we walked because we just wanted to contact
Let me be there for them because they knew I always would be
Tell me what they need so I can try to be there like they've been for me
I always imagined this person would love me
And I would love them
I imagined this person would be My Person
And I would be theirs
Yes, we would have other people we were close to
We would have best friends
And friends who were like family
But we'd be the closest
We'd be each other's support
When I imagined My Person
They were the only one
I promised myself I would find this person
I promised we'd have our struggles but would always end up happy together
I guess it's silly to think like that
It's silly to think this ideal would exist
But it helped me through the bad days
Helped me not do something I would regret
Or have others regret for me
When the dark days broke to lighter ones
I let my ideal go
Not that I didn't ponder about them
I just didn't dwell as I did
I didn't look for them as I would in the past
When I stopped looking
I found them
Or rather we happened upon each other
When I met my ideal
I didn't know at first
How could I?
I mean we clicked like I'd always dreamed
But that doesn't mean anything, right?
Until it does
Until it did
When I realized my ideal
When I found who I thought was My Person
I was over the moon!
I was surprised they existed
Surprised that I found them
My ideal person was real
I had a chance to be with My Person
But the stars were not aligned
Luck was not on my side
Fate had not favored me
I know this because though they are all I ever wanted
All I ever needed
They don't want me
They love me
They said they do
But I'm not their ideal
Their Person
And while I understand
It's still hard
Hard to be so close yet do so far
To be together yet a part
To have them take so much pain away but to give much more without knowing
I always imagined my ideal and I would be together for a long time if not forever
I just never imagined that it'd be as friends
Or that it would hurt this much
I imagined they would take the pain away
Not give a new kind
The worst part of it
The absolute worst
Is that it's not their fault
There's nothing they can do to make it better
No matter what we do
We can't separate because we can't abandon each other
And we can't be more if one of us doesn't feel that way
We're stuck
More actually
I'm stuck
I'm stuck with my ideal that will never become My Person
With a best friend I can't get over
With pain I can't stop
With a situation I can't rationalize my way out of
In all my days of imagining
Of dreaming
This ideal
My Person
I never once
Not in my darkest nightmares
Thought I would find them
Only to have them not want me
Never did I think I'd find myself having to get over this
Having to deal
To think
To know
My ideal doesn't want me

You have had me
Myself,
In the most
Raw, pure, honest
Portrait of myself.
You
Changed that
To a person
Stranger
To both of us.

Water seeping through the cracks of the hull,
Creeping ever so insidiously.
Filling the voids, but my fate is sealed.
I sink.
Resentment floods my thoughts,
Quenching my thirst for vindication,
And I feel that time will cure all, yet…
I sink.
I’m clinging on to flotsam and jetsam
Drifting by, remnants of my pride.
But the waves keep battering, and
I sink.
Seventy times seven is too large of a
Number, or so I think.
How to rid of the anchor tethered to
My heel?
I sink.
Letting go of that anchor, a painful process.
You may have skinned me alive,
But I forgive you.
For if I don’t, I’ll sink to the depths
Of misery…. alone.

I feared to feel
My soul too young to resolve
Cold as snow,the tale of my heart
Bitterness and anguish the tune of my music

Then paths crossed with Him
A teacher to my heart, a new rythm born
A wave of the most pure
Yet happiness braced with fright
The freedom too unreal

A deadly  ring in mind, was i playing too naive?
Mama's story, Cousin's story
Where they felt solitude when love ran out
I couldnt, I shouldnt
Forced to forget

Sorry doesnt mend this
I was a fool to believe
The story unfinished
Maybe we will meet and make history
When the heart is brave
Brave for love.

You stand there waiting
For someone to come
Or something
To take you away
You stand there secluded
Lost in your own little world
Thinking through the days behind
And ahead
Dreaming of what could be
Lost in a world
Of what if’s
And this could happen
Bad things
Good things
Anything you could come up with
Then you hear the sound
Of the bus getting closer
And your ripped out of your
Comfortable little world
And pulled back into reality.