I listen to these songs
one after the other
playing on my playlist
But each of these songs
hold tags of memories
The memories I live everyday through them
Well, there is a memory of a boy
Not a man
whom I liked
Not loved
And that one song looks like him
The song I played
As I passed through those corridors
to get a glimpse of him
But here I am humming ' Heather '
As I see his girl
laughing by his side
I never imagined myself at 'her' place
But he looked beautiful from a distance
It gave that restless heart a kiss
It felt good...
So now I don't look at the boy I liked
But his lover
What 'she' wears
How 'she' talks
Her demeanor, that attracted him
I am not jealous
But 'she' makes me curious
And I feel like learning about 'her'
Turns out, Khaab was better than her
But still not in 'her' place...
I can't get jealous
I never had that right
Because I liked him
from a distance
He is not my moon
But he looked charming
'She' loves him
And sees his flaws
They love each other everyday...
And that can not be me
As loving is tiring
I do not love everyday
But I do hate this flesh everyday
How could I be 'her'?
When I don't love myself

And I get back to those songs
Where I feel like the protagonist
The unloved one
The one, some call ' The villain'.

I don't know what I am these days...
I lay in the dark room these evenings...
Trying to understand...
If it's the rain outside...
or the sound of my dream...?
But I know one thing...
I saw last night in the mirror...
There is a mask I wear...
There is a secret I hide....
But for how long?
For how long...will they stay in a mirage?
Will they care, once they know about it?
I don't know....
Or will I become a genius at hiding?
And this secret will burn away with me...
These days I tell myself...
That may be I am not an ocean
but a puddle on the street...
I am in a maze...trying to find
the purpose of this life...
It is annoying...
Why can't I go with the flow?
Why are these thoughts questioning everything?
These days I am living more through the dreams
Like walking around that empty library...
with wooden tables and shelves...
And listening to that unknown Korean song...
Hearing voices and not moving
as I sleep in the dream...
It has been weird lately...

Is there a meaning behind everything?
Or am I just squandered?

I remember being surrounded by those kids...
who had that shine of future in their eyes...
The eyes which looked like leaves holding raindrops...
They had a vibe of progress...
Their words had some unrealistic terms...
I never understood...and may be I still do not...
I remember how hard I tried to fit in...
among those futuristic kids...
But how could I?
When my eyes always carried a flame of past in them...
The past I would never want to leave behind...
There is always something in that basket...
It holds for me...something new...
I never think about me growing old...
I think the world would end by then...
But this past...
feels like that lost treasure in sand...
The mysteries of life have been solved...
at the stations of past...
where answers have waited for me...
to pick them up...
I have a past...a precious past...
There is something I can never leave behind.

Please be kind to me...
I am learning...
learning to suffocate the voice of my feelings...
I am learning ******* them slowly and steadily...
I had dug the first grave last night...
And today morning...I put them in the coffin...
My eyes were empty...as tears laughed at me...
I was told," expectations hurt..."
But why does it feel like this everytime?
I am there...always there...
prepared with my shoulders...
the shoulders, whom I have been teaching
that they are here just for others...
The shoulders I am trying to make stronger
with each coming day...
I want them to be so firm...
that no matter how heavy the head is...
they don't break down...
Then, where did I go wrong?
May be it's my tounge...who is to be blamed...
The words laying on it...may be hurt them...
But why can't they...for once...
understand the intentions of my soul
A soul which not tired...living behind this bark skeleton
This is where it is...
How can I even expect this ?
May be...I am the one to blame...
So...Please be kind to me
Because I am still learning...
learning to make the grounds of heart fertile...
Because a forest holding secrets is supposed
to grow there in the future.

I met a man like moonflower...
The air was filled with his vintage aroma
But the petals bloomed fresh....
I looked at him in an awe.
As I had a history of meeting sunflowers...
I told him with a smile...
I had never seen one like him before.
There were questions in my head for his town's soil
With some painful happiness in his eyes...
A satisfaction in his heart...
and a smile on his lips...
He said," We grew like wild vines...
My gardener forgot my location..."
Through his hazel eyes...I saw his seed soul...
standing all strong...
"How you turned out so well then?"
I asked him.
"I didn't have the sun, but the moon
never left me alone..."

The wind had begun to whisper...
As I saw his white petals bloom
under the moonlight.

The ones you love the most...
will hurt you the most...
A stranger holds no power...
to even make you rethink...
But...now I am tired...
tired of waiting...for this winter
inside me to end...
I don't want to get hurt anymore...
I will make it till the end all alone...
But...this pain...I want this to leave...
Expectations hurt the most...
And I know myself...
A loser who daydreams...
spending days writing useless poems...
People like me...have no value in the real world...
So...I live in a world of my own...
I am tired of putting on playlists...
of all those songs...
to fill this vacuum...
But...I can't understand if it's inside me
or this place?
Something...in my throat...chokes me
I feel like puking...to get rid of it...
A pain underneath my heart...
A lot of my verses hold it's account...
They ask me to write something new...
But...this pain never ends...
I ask them with tears in my eyes...
"What should I do?"
I have no answers...to any question...
I am a useless being in this world of
brilliancy
Oh...I just realised...
I am lonely again.

Some days I do wonder about love
A poison people drink happily
They say the dopamine and oxytocin flood the brain
And a person goes all weird…
Well, is that true?
I hate love…and those kids of my generation
Acting all in love
How are they mature enough to name it love?

But I have seen love…
from the balcony of my dark room
Between that man and lady...
living in their own rainbow world...
The old man, above 6ft…
loves a lady, below 5ft…
Sharing the same room and life from past 50 years...
You see...they are not a necessity but a habit...
The radio plays...while he reads the newspaper...
and she knits a sweater...
Not even a single word is said...
But the air is filled with their love for each other...
There is something about the old lady that makes old man fall for her more every day…
The king himself...treats her like a queen...
It's funny to see the laws of physics come true...
As they said...opposites attract...
If he is an ocean filled with composure...
then she is the tide...
If she is the sun...
then he is the warmth...
As they sit together in their dazzling love...
The flowers they planted in name of each other...
Bloom fresh to this day...
The restlessness in his walk...the sadness in his eyes
when she is not around...says it all...
It was a gloomy November, when she got sick...
Only for him to get sick too in the coming week...
It felt like a connection of souls...
A fire burns in his heart...with a promise on his lips...
never to leave her side...

I wonder...the love I hate...
Can it really be this pure?
Nothing to expect...but just give endlessly...
A love so deep...that other's existence becomes a norm...
In this world of 14 billion faces...
Will I love someone this way?
The way my grandpa loves my granny.

The memory was hung there...
caught in a frame...
But, I looked at that smile...
A big curve stretched across my lips...
And eyes were smaller than normal...
As if couldn't let even a drop of happiness to fall...
I looked at myself in the mirror...
Where is it now?
I can't find it...
It's not that I didn't look for it...
But...a dumb like me...lost it...
Now the curve is not that big...
And the eyes....they are big and brown...
nothing to hold inside...
They do ask me about where I lost it?
But how long could I stay there looking for it?
I know...I was not worth it...
It traumatises me...how we change
The way we shed our pure skins at wrong places...
And then even forget those places...losing our skins forever...
Sometimes its 3 in the morning...or 12 in the noon...
Something hits me up...to get that old self back.
We are like an empty canvas,
And as we grow...we get painted in the colors of this world...
The childhood has it's own colors...
But this world...is like that bully...who wants to destroy the masterpiece...

However, the misery lies here...
the colors of this world are so dark...that the true masterpiece is lost forever!

There's this secret box under my bed...
It's for you...yes...for you
When you enter my room...
Please don't draw the curtains
The place holds my darkness and secrets...
It doesn't need the touch of light...
But the flame of the candle will support you...
Take the box and open it
You will find some stuff holding memories
of us from centuries...
Ignore them for a while
Take a look at that bundle of old yellow pages...
These are the poems I couldn't dare to complete
Do me a favor...complete them for me...please
I left spaces for your part
Write about yourself...
Write about us...
The typewriter is still on the table...
These pages do hold my soul and tears...
Do treasure it...it's the last of us
As for the secret box, take it or burn it
When you leave my place...with the poems, with our moments breathing alive in them...
Head towards that park with pink bougainvilleas...
which must be brown now...
Sit on that wooden bench under the banyan tree
And read all those poems containing us...
You will find me alive in those verses...
Give those pages your soul and tears too...
At least we'll be together there
Do not forget taking the last stroll in that park
Because...I have left the town forever.

I remember...falling from the giant sequoia...
I was falling from a height...I knew I couldn't survive...
My heart sank...not even a single beat to be felt
But...why didn't it feel like the apathetic ground?
How could I not die in my own blood?
How could the heart still beat?
It felt like falling on a cloud...or feathers...
It felt like...drinking a lukewarm tea...
full of love and worries...just for me...
I opened my eyes...only to find...it was them...
They picked me up with their hands...
placed me on the ground delicately...as if I was something precious...
Their faces were full of fear...
as if not even a scar on me...was bearable to them...
What was that moment?
May be a moment full of my worth...
"I didn't expect you to come..."I laughed
And they looked at me in disbelief...
"Where were we supposed to be?"
Laughter echoed in that sequoia forest...
As we returned back home...
I returned...with a spirit to reach new heights...
but this time...without a fear of falling down.

They say," You learn from your mistakes..."
But, what to do if mistakes are done on every edge...
I packed my bags...and went back to my island...
once I saw how crowded the city was...
filled with bright faces and black hearts...
I completely reject...that my heart is all red...
But not all black...
I gave them my treasure...for them to feel good...
But...look at them...trying to crush me with their heels...
They think...they know it all...
and I won't deny...
They know me...but they don't know me...
I am always at that same place...
They call me out as...boring...lazy...the list goes on...
Giving me...advices...on socializing
But do they really know?
Where I go...or where I went...
There are millions of secrets inside me...
With the fire burning higher and higher...
My heart turns darker...
But there is a difference between us...
I am my own treasure...
I am my own graveyard...
And yes...I do have a black heart...with a red door...
behind which...I save the love...for the handful...I trust...
They tell me...things about myself as if they own me...
A smile comes on my lips...
A smile full of pity... for them
as they continue to think...they know me...

It would come for me...
When all the sand of my hourglass would
be completely on the other side...
May be...it would have a reason...may be not
Because...it doesn't need one to arrive.
Last night...when a pain arose in my chest
And my heartbeat was all I could hear...
My breath was like a storm...
and my mind was surrounded by agony.
I realised...it doesn't matter...if I leave.
What will happen when I die?
A funeral comes in my mind
Some people called the closed ones...would cry
But ask them...not to shed tears
It doesn't matter...as Rumi said," Death has nothing to do with going away..."
But would I be a hero or a villain...when it arrives?
Would Hades send Thanatos to take me or would I reach the Elysium fields of Zeus?

But still here I am...not able to welcome it warmly...
There are people I have hurt...I have to put aid on...
There are places I have to reach...
There is someone I have to meet...
And there are verses I have to write...
there are verses I have to write...

It feels like a graveyard inside...
Everything is dead...
But the demons...were still in hunger...
So, they dug up the graves...
They were feeding on my dead...
But these graveyards are good for nothing
So they are...on their way
to the forest...
But...here...I am...
I don't know...when I lost my way?
And ended up...in the middle of the ocean...
Everyone knows...I don't know how to swim...
I am drowning deeper and deeper...
But...it's been a while here...
so it's fine...to be breathless...
I have memories of the radio in my dark room...
It doesn't work any more...broken...
I thought...it would be safe in here...
deep down in the ocean...nobody would come...
But the spiders are everywhere....
Just like...they were across my room...the garden...everywhere!
They live all over my head...
Digging up...my mind...eating every piece of it...
I guess...the demons couldn't reach down here...
So these spiders make my mind rotten...
I don't know...where I am?
I just float around...deep down in the dark ocean...
with the my eyes wide open...
I can see the light disappearing.

Walking all scared alone at night
Getting harassed on internet
Increasing no. of rapes and assaults
And the never ending sagas
This gender - men
has made life hell! for many of us...  
But...how can I say all of them?
I cannot insult my father...and thousand other men
Whom I have seen giving regard to the women
I still remember that night...
when my father saved that lady from a creep...
I feel so proud to be such man's daughter
And there are...yes there are...thousands of proud daughters and sons like me...
Men who are raising men...
to make this society better...safer for everyone...yes they are there.
It's us women...being preyed by patriarchy...
What about men? who have been crushed by this system...
Why was his tear not that valuable?
They laughed at him as if a clown
And now I know...why clowns are portrayed deadly
His emotions are considered trash
I wonder when was this equation made
that emotions = 10 x weakness
Just hold on like that...with a straight numb face
or you won't be 'man' enough
All sizes are not beautiful...when it comes to him
As his short height is not acceptable!
He will be the 'man' of the house...with every one's happiness on his shoulders
Even if...he is tired or broken inside
He couldn't talk about his depression...why?
Suicides eating these beautiful men...
because this society can't see them opening up!
See...how far we have come...forgetting about him
He is not metal...he is human too...
with a little heart beating...that aches the same when broken
He needs to be loved and pampered
He won't be less man...when asks for help
Society says," we are losing gentlemen..."
But who is to be blamed then?

Black is all I can see
Vacuum is all I can feel
This place feels like the universe
And I am...just floating around
Hiding away from the truths of the world
Going deaf...by increasing the volume of the music
So that I can't hear them
Going blind...by pretending to sleep
So that I can't see them...
Just trying to survive in this world of science and logic
Where I can see artists losing their worth
where poetry or painting should be taken just as a hobby
                                         O really!?
How will you survive with that empty bucket of emotions...
that lays inside your heart?
I am just tired!!
This world is nothing more...but a race
Where is the peace?
They ask you to feel...
'Peace!' (smirks)
Ask the kids who survived the war...
who still see missiles in their dreams...
the family who lost their son...why?
the dumb police officer couldn't stand his color...HIS LIFE MATTERED!!!
That depressed kid in the corner of the classroom...
Ask them about the peace...
and it would be a bird they heard centuries ago
Where is the love?
They write about....
Look at the ****! we are calling love these days
Teary eyes, broken hearts but smiling lips...
This is my generation...nothing more but just
SAD HEARTS WITH HAPPY PICTURES.
Where is the freedom?
when they say...follow your heart!
As they have got problems...serious problems
with your faith, color, body, sexuality and what not!
That they do not even hesitate once...while crossing limits!

No...no...no...it won't happen!
The doors to peace, love and freedom are locked
in this world...
But...today...I heard it...I saw it...
And may be...you did too.
So...let's just find the lost keys...to open these doors...
I will begin first.

I realised....
Our heart is just like a strong wall of bricks
protecting our infant like soul...
protecting it from all the wars outside...
But was anything ever safe?
People hit you with their stone like actions...rock like thoughts
Sometimes they become brutal...

Cracks begin to appear in that wall
But...that's where the light enters and feeds the soul to grow...
'cause the infant has to grow....to protect itself...
to stand strong for that one day...when everything would be broken!

The D-day comes...when the dams break...
eyes are flooded with tears...and the wall breaks.
The light just like a mother...nourishes the soul to grow...
Because now it has to protect itself...

It's tough for everyone...and till the time you're broken
You hide it really well...behind the thick curtains of your smile
Nobody knows...what's behind that smile
The soul works hard...to put everythings back together
Trying to get back those millions of broken pieces...
But we forget that if the creator of stars...
sends someone to break...there is someone to put it back together....

Finally...the time comes...when you meet that one person...
the one who changes your reality...
the one makes you question things...
the one who makes you a better person...
the one they call 'a soulmate'.

Hey...hope you are doing great
Because the last we met...it was the eighth
I remember...that august starry night
when we had a fight!
You said...I had a smile on my lips...but sadness in my eyes
You knew all about my secrets and lies
My anxiety was all over my head
There were voices living...I wanted dead
It was easy to say for you
But...it was me who was all blue
I said," You won't get it!"
You said," Being fake...is not worth it!"
I ran inside with tears in my eyes
Leaving you alone...for the coming starry nights
But these days, poets are writing about you
How mesmerizing you are, but sometimes sad too...
I got kinda jealous... as I thought it was only between us
But...then I realized...you were outside everyone's window on dark nights
It was just me...who had closed mine...right?
I came across you last night
You looked so beautiful...dressed all white
Your glow...spread all across the sky
That I had to stop to say a hi!
I remembered my childhood...how you followed me everywhere
whether it was the ice cream store or granny's home..
we went together here and there
It feels kinda sad to share you with million
As you had and have many secrets to listen
The nights feel complete with your curves
whether it's Sun, me or the ocean
Dear moon, you are everyone's first love♥

They call me cruel and cold
But all wicked things start from the innocence
After the hell...that I lived in for years...all alone
I fell in love with you
I was a queen living in the world of monsters
You were just a prince living in a dreamy world of yours
I decided to **** those...who wanted you dead
All your enemies...obstacles...were mine
But...despite that...you decided to **** me in the end...
Because...you were in love with the princess...her voice...her beauty...her everything
I could be her...but your eyes were perfectly blind to see my beauty
Being kind to animals and sing for them was not that of a big deal..
But I asked myself  what kind of love it was...?
if you wanted me to change...
I realized I couldn't sacrifice myself for your happily ever after
I am not a princess...you could find wandering in your kingdom's jungle
I am a queen....ruling her kingdom
So...how dare you...decide to **** me...
to please your princess...to mark my death as a symbol of your bravery?
I got it.... I am a Queen...I deserved a King
Not a mere prince
And after living in hell for years
Dear, believe me...I am use to the beautiful screams
So I couldn't care more...and I killed you and your princess...
Remember...I was always a Queen...it was you who said me evil...
'The Evil Queen'...well...it flatters me!
But...when centuries will pass...they will narrate our tale...
They would **** me in the end...as you wanted...
And you'll be the brave prince!
And this was all because...
I couldn't sacrifice myself for your happily ever after...

She said,"Write about me..."
And I began to think about the most beautiful words ever in this world....
I went on a quest to search for them...
Across the clouds...
Behind the shine of stars...
On the wings of a butterfly...
Lava falling into the water...
And on the secret path behind the waterfall...
I couldn't find even a single word...
All tired, when I returned home...to her
She greeted me with a smile on her lips
a warmth in her hug...and love in her eyes...
And there I knew...what a fool I was!?
Universe's most beautiful creation was just next to me...
And a ***** like me...was lost...running behind butterflies...
on secret paths...from one cloud to other...asking stars for help
And still...couldn't choose anything to define her...
She is so beautiful...that even the moon doesn't greet me...
when she is next to me on the starry nights...
She makes the moon doubt it's own existence...
You see those pearls in the ocean...that's the shine in her eyes...
You hear Ganga flowing...that's the strength of her voice...
You see that honey in the jar...that's her words...
You see the Jasmines bloom...that's the love in her heart...
You see that patient Cheetah preparing her kids for the survival...
that's how she teaches me day and night...
And now...can you see her feet...that's where my heaven is.

They say I am the wrong size...
And have things to say about my body...
They say it...and leave...
But do their words leave?
"Can't you see your clothes don't fit in anymore!"
" Oh! you are eating that..."
"Umm...you look fat today!"
It seems funny to them to compare me to different animals...
What do they want!?
I don't get it...should I stop eating?
Should I get insecure about my body like thousands of other girls of my age?
Should I throw up...and then one day end up in a hospital?

They say I am the wrong size...
Then what is the right size?
A thin waist...a lean figure...
They even say ,"everyone is different."
                        smirks
But...do they really mean it?
Words are said to insult my body...
Every single word attacks like poisonous arrows...
they let out of their bows.
And it kills something inside me.

They say I am the wrong size...
Then...what's up with that!? huh!
I love the way I am...
I appreciate my curves...as they are mine...
And today...all I wanna do is-
Appreciate my little heart...
For taking all of that
As I can't let myself down.

I feel like...
Blue whales are gods and goddesses of the ocean
As they make the ocean...complete as a heaven.
They harmonise in the ocean...singing their songs
And their heartbeat fills the void.
These huge peaceful mammals
make this world a better place.
They sprinkle out rainbows when breathe
And the flip of tail...makes the ocean dance.
I feel like...bowing down to them
And at night...giving them a goodnight hug.

The blue whale sat in a cornor of the ocean
As she had seen centuries change
Everyone came...evolved....and then withered away
But she was still there...
Her daughters were bigger than her
She couldn't believe her tiny whalies
had become responsible mother whales...just like her.
Did her mother feel the same way?
As she saw centuries change...as she saw her grow
As she saw her playing and singing songs across the ocean.
Did she feel the same?
The blue whale missed her mother
As I heard her singing supermarket flowers
sitting in my boat...counting stars.

It's getting difficult day by day
To cope up with this species
Even though I am one of them
I still don't want to be the one
I feel like being the dust or a blue whale...
Rather than being a human.

The reality is lost under the masks
Masks that cover evil smiles
Smiles that can break you...
into millions and millions of  pieces.

It was another day...and my room pushed me out!
I had nowhere to go
So I decided to visit the park
where we went for morning walks
My hands were in my pocket
And music had taken over...
The wind was welcoming...
As it bowed and blowed...making me feel like a Queen.
I couldn't stop smiling under my mask
As I saw the park was all broken...they were reconstructing it!
I didn't know...you were so disgusting
that not only the hearts...but also the paths
You passed by...were being made stronger and better.

This world is full of some people
who hide away from the truth like cowards
Do not have the guts to accept the reality.

She fell in the clutches of food disorder
because she wanted to be like the flawless instagram model.
He did not cry after the break up
because this world is in love with bad boys.
The mother did not complain about the backache
because this world believes in supermoms.
He didn't open up about liking his neighbour
because his love interest was not according to this world.

Unrealistic expectations are kept
from a person made of blood and flesh.
As they consider themselves to be in an application
where they can add filters and photoshop all the flaws.
But this world...is a flawed one!
Here people are full of imperfections
they laugh at wrong times
they wear same socks for many days
they are not pretty all the time
they are not strong all the time
and they do not smile all the time.
They cry...suffer from anxiety...
they fall...but get up!
Get up everyday to fight their battle.
So please...let us breathe
Let us embrace all our flaws...
because that's how we will fall in love with ourselves.

The church bells toll twelve
And it's time for me to sleep...but do I?
As soon as I lay my head on my pillow...
My mind sits in the Past express
And moves from one station to the other
Suprisingly... the train travels back...instead of going ahead.
I reach stations that were left behind
Stations...I never wanted to reach.

There's this Pain...that lives beneath my heart
And it eats it up like a termite...every night
I can't define it...I don't know
This sinking feeling is normal
As I lost my peace years ago...
But it meets me secretly on stormy afternoons
And I feel overwhelmed...

But after all this...I still wonder
When will I sleep?
Sleep with dreams in my eyes
And Pain gone away.

An unconventional fear takes over my heart
As I think about growing old...
They say nothing is more powerful than the death
All the discomposure drifts away.
And it's as calm as a
quill felling from above.

But the fact that
A day when my voice won't echo in my room
A day when my books and diaries would be abandoned
A day when me and my family won't be together
A day when I won't exist...
scares me.

I begin to knit myself in the wool of promises
Promises of a life...valuable
But then...I see people around me
Whether old or young, who met death like lost friends
And there again...I am left in a dilemma.

Is there a promise for tomorrow?

The snow storm had struck the world outside
And there she was sitting inside....in the dark
With a body full of bruises
Her arm was fractured
And her knees went weak
That she couldn't even stand.
The eye was all blue...as if punched brutally
Some wounds were deep...and they were still bleeding
It was hard to move....as it hurt really bad.

But then a gentle touch was felt
A touch full of love...by a loved one
The love was so warm...that it sat their like a bonfire
And it lightened up the whole place!
So much love...that it could heal every wound
So much love...that it melt her frozen heart.

And in the end...
The fire of love healed her
And she rose again like a phoenix.

Some people are used to goodbyes
And I am one of them...
Believe me! I know it really well.

But some of them did not even say a goodbye
They just banged the door while leaving
And messed up my home.
By breaking all those moments in frames...
Painting my red door black...
And smashing the radio...
Now I have these walls
Really long blue walls...around my home
Allowing noone to enter.

It was an idle evening
And I was sitting in the lap of Past
Resting my head on her chest
As she slightly moved her hands through my hair.

I told her about....when I painted
With colours and brushes....a colourful world of mine
When canvas and sheets were drenched with bright colours
Bright colours like red, yellow, green, orange and so on.

But now...I can't even recognize them
They are lost in some dusty drawers
Somewhere I can't even remember
Now I live in a world of black and white
White pages drenched with black ink...

Did I lose my bright colours?
Or am I just homing in this black and white world of mine?