The words I speak aren't the words I mean
Only making whats on the inside sound like a dream
The actions I pursue are nothing else but a blessing and a curse
I make it seem like its all fun and games until it ends up getting worse
I struggle to show people the real me
So I separate myself and I like an apostrophe
I take leaps without the cord attached but I plunge futher and further to my death
With the way I act and the life I lead I feel like I might breathe my last breath
Don't mind the ******* you see on a day to day basis who keeps who he is lurking in the shadows
But try to look beyond that wall to see the determined young man who wants nothing more but to help those who continue to suffer and carry all those logos
Why is it that no one can look past the act and for once take me seriously when I ask for the chance
Because some day I'll just wanna sing like David sang and dance like David danced
I hide who I am because no one can comprehend whether I'm being delusional or the person they see in the end
I act stupid, but only to see a smile on the face of someone who couldn't take it anymore, for someone who couldn't turn to any other friend
I don't regret my actions but I either pity and own them or believe that this is something I want to continue
But now I realize I must make some changes to my schedule and create a new agenda so I can leave my venue
Don't get me wrong I still wanna have fun with all the fun and games but right now I'm just tired of feeling ashamed
Because each time it drives me further and further to becoming a young man who's lost the meaning of his name
If it were so easy I would show the person living on the inside and the person I aspire to be
I pray to God that I don't lose who I am because that's the one thing I hold dear and closest to me
I'd rather let out the person hiding on the inside trying to make who he really is known, but thats only if I could
Because I can't stay quiet, I want people to know that I'm tired of being Misunderstood

Everything is falling like rain around me
And all I can do is muster a smile and a
Hallelujah.

Everything is falling like rain around me
But my feet are stuck to the ground like concrete.

"You save me from myself."

Every time something goes wrong
I know I have You to count on.
This is more than beautiful words
This more than a beautiful song
This is more than just a day at church
More than speaking in tongues.
This is so much more than any act of
Prophesy
I hope you can see
That.

This more than life.
This is more than logic.
This is more than I can ever hope to
Articulate or explain
For how can I express Your glory
When my lips are not holy enough
And my mind not pure enough
To speak or know Your name?

How can I expect to be
Expect to do all that You have called me to?
How can I expect to be perfect like You?
How can I?
You have made everything anew
But once I get in the way of things
Everything goes askew.

Though I struggle and try
And most days simply succumb
How is it possible that You can
Save me from myself over and over again?
I never understood what a wretched man
That I am
Until I tried to live for You truly.

You knew me from before I was in my mother's
Womb
And you know exactly what day I will be
Laid to rest in a tomb.
Yet I still find it hard to trust You
When You take away certain people or things
Or when You instruct me.
I can't see past the pain or my desire
I can't see past my inherent need for control
For success
Yet
What is success without You?
What is love without You?
What is happiness without You?
What am I without You?

Sometimes I feel like abandoning You
But how can I after all You took me
Through?
How can I?
Two things am I sure of
Your love
And that I will die.
Yet why can't I allow myself to
Accept the love You give?
I just don't deserve it
But I need it.

You are the breath I breathe
How I stand when my knees
Buckle.
You are sunlight
You are bright
You are dazzling
You are my life.

Though I may run from that simple truth
I'll always find my way back to You.

What a paradox is this
An imperfect miss
With a perfect God
Called but uncalled to Him
Afraid to let a love
She craves and needs in.

You're so dreaaaamy baby.
Like really dreamy I wish you could
See me though.
I don't think you can in this huge crowd
But one day that smile on your face
Will be allllll mine.
You heard?

You're so dreaaaamy baby.
You still don't notice me
And it's so funny because you're all I see,
Think or speak about.
I saw you with your friends
Talking and walking.
You voice like silk
And words like spoiled milk
But you're so **** dreaaaamy baby.

You're so dreaaaamy baby.
I figured it out
You like girls with curly hair
Light skin
Voices like the ocean and
And skin so smooth
You wonder if it's a potion.
That's why you don't notice me baby.
I guess zigzag coils are out of style
And dark skin isn't cutting it for you
My voice is rusty and soft, it doesn't flow loudly and smoothly like the sea
And my skin; it's bumpy. But don't we all deal with acne?

You're so dreaaaamy baby
And I want to be your dream girl.
So I straighten my hair and curl it in loose waves, I stay out of the sun even on beach days
I talk louder, with eloquence and confidence
And I do everything possible for clear skin.
And you do notice me this time.
You fall headfirst in love
Yet I can't get out of my mind when you asked
If I was new at school
When I've been there, around you for 3 years
I can only chuckle and say "sort of. But not really."
And that's the real truth.
I sit with you and you friends for months
At lunch like I had been dying to for years.
You don't ask me many questions about myself
Other than "Are going to here or there."
You complement my processed hair
You compliment my silky skin
You compliment my personality 2.0
And it doesn't feel right
Being this
But I've lost who I was a long time ago
And it sorta feels like I'm lacking soul.

You were my dream baby.
But why do I feel like hell?

IT WAS THEN
She realized it then
When her heart hopped
Into her mouth screaming
Out ludicrous love songs
And her stomach started
To spin around like a cyclone
And she had this overwhelming urge to
***** and run
But he was her home
So she collapsed into his arms
And relished the feeling of just him being
There.

IT WAS THEN
She realized that she had
Fallen hopelessly in love
And she remembered that feeling
Seven months later
When she craved it so bad
That she fell to the floor and
Broke like glass
Bits and pieces of herself
Shattering
Everywhere and she had
Lost herself
Truly that time
Feeling like she was grasping at thin air
Or clouds
Trying to get a grip
To stop the falling
But every firm thing
Slipping through her grasp.

IT WAS THEN
She crashed down on the grasslands
Numb.
Her back ached from landing on the
Earth with such force
And her ears rang.
The broken bits had
Come back together
Forcefully, and it hurt to breathe
Because she was used to some places
Being empty
So it felt awkward now that they were full.
She lay there
For a while,
Looking up the sky
Watching him lead another girl up
Abysmally high
Waltzing on clouds
Her laughter innocent and sweet.

IT WAS THEN
She felt the sharp ache in her head.
She knew now.
All ludic childishness
A faint memory
She was back to normal now
Reality.
She wondered what love was
Blindness or foolishness.
She couldn't decide.
She got up
And walked away
Into the sunrise.