It gets harder and harder to sleep
For there is fear within me
of waking up only to see
that last night was only a dream

I use to believe that
the only response to
"I love you"
was
"Oh, crap"
because apparently
me being in love
was such
an inconvenience
to you

So Maybe,
the next time
I fall in love,
she shall
never know
how much I do
for I only wish
to not be an
inconvenient
bafoon

Look into the garden
and you'll find something waiting
right there where you left it
lying on the grass bed
holding a single rose in full bloom
When you finally find it
you might see that it's fading
carnations and irises growing
in every single mark of it
know that's been there caring
in every marigold you've been planting
When you finally realize
there's nothing but daffodils and zinnias
I hope to see other things growing
as everything changes all around it
everything is still there
right where you left it.

The way I am in love with you
is like Quantum Mechanics

there's the uncertainty
of your feelings
the possibility that your
feelings are both true and false
the superposition of people
coming and going into your life
and the distance of light years
on how different our relative times are

It's like I'm an electron to you
in a quantum level
I don't understand where my orbit is
more how many electrons there are
It's like I'm in a constant series of leaps
passing through the double slits
and I cannot tell when I am a particle or a wave

Every second I move through space-time
I feel the constant bend and mend of it
and to the point that I am in a situation
where I exist and don't exist

Being the ears
that listens
than the mouth
that speaks
I find how insignificant
we are all to each other

I find not one worry
in any of the names
that they mention
just "Me, Myself, and I"
and every lie in between

I find it humorous
how the world revolves
in every one-upping
as everyone speaks
in competition
and I quietly sit there
with a smile
in every comment
just waiting for a turn
to be listened

There are times that
I don't want to believe
in kindness
cause that is a word
meant for fools who
believe that there is
such thing as good

We believe in such
existence as genuine
as it, but later on to
see that we were all just
mindless, spineless
and filled with ignorance

We are all but arrogant beings
who swore by such
codes and ethics
and despise such
despicable behavior
yet hypocritical,
ignoring our sickening
idiosyncrasies

And yet, why am I still
a fool who wants to believe
that the world isn't as
horrendous, as horrible
as the world claims itself
to be? as other claim
the world to be?

Why am I still a fool who
still wants to believe in kindness
when kind words and actions
seem meaningless to everyone?

It's hard to believe now
but I still want to
*I want to believe in kindness

and told my 5-year old self
what's been happening to me lately
I bet he would look into my eyes
jump out of that hospital bed
and cry with joy and laughter

I would've told him
that he finally made friends, the ones he has always dreamed of
That he was able to run and touch his toes
and try out all kinds of sports
That he was able to ride a bike, drive a car
and traveled to all sorts of places
That he was able to meet and talk to all sorts of people

That he was able to celebrate an unknown feeling to him called "Love"
That he was able to gaze upon such people and to feel and understand love
That he fell in love with someone who he'd never thought he'd be in love with
That he fell in love, fought, lost and loved again

If I were able to see my 5-year old self
I would look at him with teary eyes saying
"You will be happy"

I can only pray
that my patience
would never reach
it's peak
for as a man
who can only
take as much
as a human can
I'm almost at
threshold

I always believed
that I'm not allowed
to say a single rant
for there are things greater
than what I can imagine
I'm told that
I can't complain
I can't frown
I can't wonder
for that's what it means
to be selfless..
yet I still ponder

My mother always told me
"just be a little more patient"
how can I be, when
father always tells me
"YOU ARE NOT THINKING"
"ARE YOU BLIND!?"

I'm sorry, father
if I'm not up to the test
but know that
I follow every word
ever sentence for the best
For every spare moment
I had, I have given it to you
I did promise that
I would take care of you
be your "right" side
as I termed it

I'm sorry if
I have no idea
what the heck you're pointing at
whenever you want me to get
something for you
I'm sorry if
I have no idea
what you want to say and if I don't know
what you're thinking
I'm sorry if
I'm not the smartest guy you'll ever meet
cause I might never fully understand
what you really want from me

But please, Dad.. tell me
is it worth it to tell me
"YOU DON'T CARE"
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND"

I understand fully that your time on earth
runs by the shorter years, but please dad
please... your words hurt me more
than every beating that you have given me

I do understand that you want me to grow
but it always hurts me more
that you're willing to let go..

Dad, I'm almost at threshold

I'm afraid that I am possessed by a persistent beast
It crawls in my stomach
and makes my heart beat faster
It feeds on our encounters
and whenever our hands
would suddenly reach one another,
my lungs stop and
my mind would yearn more of it.

I'm afraid that I'm possessed by a very persistent beast
It haunts me day and night
with your image
your phantasm
The memories
that you are with me
and I with you,
both interlocked in the moment
They slither to my thoughts
every night I lay down to sleep
and I when I wake up,
I open my eyes
like I came from
sweet inebriation

I'm afraid that I'm possessed by a very persistent beast
that brings me to a perpetual state of anesthesia
that confuses me to believe
That the world
is a wonderful place
and no man, animal, or object can ever harm me
That the world is beautiful with it's own faults
and that every moment in the dark
is just another moment
to be shed brighter in the light

I'm afraid that I'm possessed by a very persistent beast
and I cower at the thought
that I might hurt myself knowingly
yet I promised you that wouldn't

Please tell me how
to tame this very persistent beast
this beast that everyone calls
"Love*"

Like the Sun
you shined
with every smile
you pulled
and I couldn't
bring myself to
look your way
as I was in a state that
my eyes could only
be for the earth
below
As much as
I wanted to see
the light of your being
my mind and body
did not dare to fathom
what kind of joy
is there in store for me
but
as my eyes grew curious
...
I looked
I looked at the sun
and like everyone
who dared to look
I was blinded
I was blinded too well
I looked past every burn
you gave me
and I just let myself
frolic
under the scalding humid
atmosphere
fooling myself that it was
your love
or something
was it?
was the warmth just
something that
I brought myself
to believe that it was?
Or.. was it real?

There's that sunset
Where you'd
Look
upon
The horizon
and watch the sky
pull a symphony of colors
Where the atmosphere and clouds
simply refract light;
creating an array of complex hues
the sky became emphatic
to show off it's beauty
That was today

There's that sunset
Where you'd
Look
Upon
The horizon
And see the clouds move
slowly and yet hastily
And despite the Coriolis,
the clouds form shapes
And represent
such figures to you
whether human, animal, or object
It reminds you of
memories, places, people
That was today

There's that sunset
Where you'd
Look
Upon
The horizon
And just look at the grandeur of it
Where you cannot tell where
The sky ends and the earth begins
no trace of the sun nor the moon
Like the earth felt God's redamancy
and God felt the Earth's
and our worlds finally became one
That was today

There's that sunset
Where you'd
Look
Upon
The horizon
And the moment you lay your eyes Upon it
all the questions, all the queries
finally become answered to
like quantum theory and "beauty"
ultimately became understood
like you now have an answer
to your most enigmatic problem
That was today

I looked upon that sunset
I have an answer
I finally have an answer
I now have an answer
That was today

Shortly after his departure from the King's palace, the Little Prince arrived at another world.
There were two halves. One; a field of sunflowers and the second; a city full of high rise buildings.

He played around the field. Walking, Jumping, and Smelling the flowers. As he jumped around, he suddenly bumped into a gargantuan object towering over the field.
Thump!. "Ouch!", he said, as he had one hand on, and leaned against it. "Amazing! Why didn't I see it as I went around?". The little prince was astonished at the object, as his head looked up to see the what the object was.
"Hello!? Anyone up there?" He then hears a soft hum and light plucking, and with ecstatic might, he looks around the object for the source of the sounds.
"Hello? Anyone here?" A loud rumbling came, as if an earthquake started. The object started to move. The little prince looked up and saw that it was a man, a giant! The giant had a serious look, and with him, had a basket full of sunflowers..
"What are the Sunflowers for?"
The giant looked straight into the city and seemed to not hear the the little prince's question.
"What are the Sunflowers for!?"
The little prince shouted, because he was unanswered.
The giant then looks at the little prince, smiled and silently gestured him to follow.
Annoyed and curious, the Little Prince follows.

The giant brought the Little Prince to the city, where it's bustling streets were crowded; and despite the noise of footsteps, car horns, and people on their phones, there is this eerie feeling of silence. The giant then stands eagerly on the sidewalk with his basket of sunflowers. He holds a sunflower from the basket and silently tries to hand one to the passing pedestrians. He tries and tries, but not one flower was given. "Why is everyone looking down?", The Little Prince asked, "Is everyone like that?" The giant looks at at The Little Prince, puts his finger over his lips. "shhh" the giant whispered, as he goes back to handing out flowers. The Little Prince slowly gets annoyed and furious at all his unanswered questions. "Why don't you say anything!?" The Little Prince asked.
The giant then looks at the Little Prince, smiled, and leaned over to whisper.
"I might disturb them", the giant said.

The Little Prince was dumbfounded and confused at his response. "Adults are strange beings." he said, as he goes back to his ship and left for another planet.

In my restlessness
I
spiral
down into a deep
slumber
with your name;
the last memory
cast from the waking dream.
It was your name I'd always say
in a silent and solemn prayer
that'd I'd pray day and night
and night and day
til' I've run out of words to say
And even
as I find myself
in this
peculiar,
unfamiliar place,
it
is
Your
name
that I remember.

I spiraled down
deeper and deeper
Into the void
where no other voice
could reach me
and the only thing
to keep me sane
was your name
that I remember
It reminded me of
thunderstorms and
your silhouette dancing in the rain,
of words that love my beloved as they took away her pain.
of your smiles that glowed in rain or sunshine
and of the warm embraces and soft cries that were once mine.
And
in
the
deep dream
I
find
you
waiting
for me
with a warm embrace
and a smile on your face
so tender
its warmth filled
the entire room.
And with your arms
clasped onto me,
in that dream
I finally felt
your redamancy
the "you" I've always aspired
And my eyes open
to the break of dawn creeping slowly upon the windowsill.
with only your name embedded as always

I went out for a jog on a Wednesday night
I thought of taking my mind of some things
and... that's what I did
I jogged like Forrest Gump's lazier half brother
because, I simply can't run because of asthma

After a few rounds around the university,
I decided to go home with a quick trip to the convenience store for dinner
I had the usual.. a rice meal, and two cans of milk

I walked home, taking home a can cause
I cannot stand the stench of the store's second floor anymore
That's when I saw a particular beggar on the street

It was a old woman, probably on her 70s
She had lesions on her legs, so she couldn't walk...
She looked up to the sky like somehow, maybe today she'd breathe her last
I mustered whatever kindness I had in me, and with whatever I had left..
I gave her Php. 8.00 and can of milk

She had this lit up look with her eyes and with utmost fervor, she said "Salamat po" ("Thank you")

Days. Weeks. Months passed by since I've seen that lady again... and at some point that moment seemed like history to me...

Today, I've went out for a jog to take my mind off things.
and what luck did I have.. I did not have enough for my usual..

I decided to go home and with a heavy heart.. Tired and full of stressed out muscles..
On the street, a young girl with a plastic bag approached me.
She was apprehensive; shy even. She gave me the plastic bag and ran off...

And with what surprise I had when I opened the bag... You know what it had?

A rice meal and two cans of milk

It's not in your tears
that I've seen your pain
It's the fake smiles
that you bring out in
raindrops or sunshine

I've seen my fair share of
people putting up a face
to show others that they're okay
when in fact, they're in a craze

The kind of people who put on
such a fabricated smile
at the brontides and oblivions
when their tears fall inside than out

I've met too many of them
that I've lost fingers for counting
and with toes are not enough
to give you an exact number of people
I've met.. I've witnessed.. I've lost

Maybe, I cared because
I did not want to lose another
I did not want to lose a friend
I did not want to lose you

I've met many of them
young and old
sometimes, I believe that
I've seen more than my
"fair share" than what is actually
"fair"

Sad to say; I've lost another
though greatful; it's not you
Would you blame me if
I was scared to lose people?
when people get lost too much?

Please find your way back
back to where smiles didn't need
to be as fake as they are now

People don't really notice the little things with me
Well, despite being a big guy
Not a lot of people ever did

I'm your average nerdy guy
who happens to like classical music
and appreciates medicine and quantum theory
has weak lungs and sensitive ears
and possibly, an attention span of an apple

People notice the regular things
Me drawing, studying, science-ing out
(as you termed it)
But the one thing you changed in me
The one thing that not a lot of people see
the one thing that you and only you taught me
was how to smile

There were those nights where
I would sit and look on
how things are between us
and I would come to the conclusion that
times will come when we're not okay
and I'd always fear if I will still feel the same after

I'd delve at the thought, hoping I would see myself
as nothing more than an overthinker
But the universe, then again always proves me wrong
wrong in the most cruel, diabolic ways

The universe is cruel
but... you make me see otherwise
because cruelty can't make me smile..
driving you home on a Thursday afternoon
watching the sunset, and with our friends
looking back at the day, thinking..
The day was just right
cause it gave me a right reason to dance

Whenever those nights come back
I'd always tell myself in a lonesome chant
"Remember Yesterday"
because it was when we were okay

Out of all the things
I could ask from you
All I want is
to sit and talk with you again
with the both of us knowing that
we are okay with each other

You may lie constantly that
you are okay with me
but I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your look
that things are not okay

You may say that I would be
crazy to accuse you of this
but you would know better
than to lie to me again

All I want is for things to be okay
but apparently, I ask for journeys
that require me to cross stars and galaxies

People around me always ask those questions of
"Who do you love?"
"What do you love?"
"Where did you love"
"When did you love?"
"How do you love?"

But not so often do I hear someone ask
"Why do you love?"
I guess it's because every one of us
will never get a satisfactory answer
I mean, I guess it's true for me
because a reason why is never
greater than reasons why

Well, for the sake of sharing
I will tell you one of mine

"Because I can't afford to hate"

As cliched as it sounds
it seems a reason good enough for me

As a person who has seen more than
his fair share of death firsthand
You'd get to see stories of people
who died never seeing what love was
who died never experiencing love
who died never knowing love
who died never seeing their love again
who died never experiencing love again
who died never knowing love again

and for a chronically sick person like me
I can't afford my life spent on hate on anyone
I can't afford hate more than what is human

Maybe, it's just being positive, but..
Love while you can still love

I couldn't count
the number of times
it rained
it shined
today.
but all of that
did not matter
because we were
all there together
we held to ourselves
the moments we
were together under
that same roof
under that same sun
that shined above us

seeing all of them
with a smile on their faces
made me realize that
we each give each other
a reason to dance

I'm 5'11
She's 5'1

I lean over to her speak
She tiptoes to speak

I lean over to talk
She tiptoes to listen

I lean over to vending machine
She tiptoes to it

I lean over to hear her speak
She tiptoes to speak

I lean over to tell her
She tiptoed to listen

I lean over to hear her say something
She tiptoed...

She embraced me

If you thought you've met the clumsiest girl
you still haven't met her

No one can be as clumsy as her
because no one else had
accidental sprains
accidental bruises
accidental bumps
accidental cuts
like she had

You'd wonder why she's so clumsy
because every moment you'd see her
she has a new story that comes with a new injury
and everytime she'd talk about it
you'd see the perfect mixture of
giggly, embarrased, and happy
all at the same time

She'd smile and laugh about it
and you'd be there listening
being the perfect mixture of
worried, frustrated, and happy
all at the same time

You'd wonder at her wonderous nature
of how to smile when the injury hurts
Oh, how you'd wish
that you could be there
to tell her off and pick her up
wrap up her bruises
wipe of her tears
but thing is she won't let you
all you could do is
silently wail with her
for all she ever did was smile

I am cursed with words
for words were never mine to begin with
I am knowledgeable of words
but never the knowledge itself
words are not the language I speak
Words are a curse for me

You*
You have a gift with the words I don't speak
Cause words are in love with you
I fathom at the heart of your soul
For that is where words reside

I cannot speak truly of what I have in mind
For I have said before,
words are a curse to me
Because I have no words to speak
I only have my mind and soul to listen

I question why I have no gift with words
Because with words, I cannot speak
For I wish to ask the God almighty
To give me the words I seek

I could only wish for words
as sweet as yours
Because your words seem to breathe
I wish to speak the words
that go beyond dreams
The words that stay in
somnambulistic silence

No one uses them as well as you
It's like you dwell in another realm
I could only wish to have words like yours
But alas, *my curse is silence

All I ask from you now is to pray.
Keep praying til I want what you want
If what you want is for me to stop loving you
If what you want is for me to give up on you
Please pray harder if that's what you want
Cause everyday, I'd love you longer and longer
Everyday, I'd have fallen for you
over and over and over again
Pray til I want what you want
If that is what you really and truly want

It'd be selfish for me to ask you love me
the same way that I love you
So here I ask, pray
*Pray til I want what you want

I'm but a Dante Allighieri
watching his Beatrice
fall from his hands
Watching her fall for another man
Leaving me to insanity
and all I could do is watch
watch her be well and happy
making our existences never meet

All I could do is watch
and think about her

I still remember how your hand held mine
How your smile would just stop time
I remember how you'd blush
How you'd just amaze me too much
I remember how you'd make me shy
It'd be crazy for me to say "hi"
Sadly, these are just memories of mine
Don't worry, I'll be just fine

I'll just close my eyes and remember your smile