Fill me with your misplaced love.

Outsider, bystander

The smile of my closest friends still makes me sad

Feeling far away even though I’m sitting right here

The sound of car engines passing me by

The breeze caressing my face

The feeling of these tears leaving my eyes

Sitting, staring at my reflection in the screen of my computer

Who am I

What do I want

It feels like I’m trapped in a bucket and everything I love is pouring water in, drowning me

I am nothing

I am no one

I have nobody

I am alone, but oddly enough, I do not feel lonely

The clock keeps ticking

The final hour approaches quickly

But I am ready

This is what I’ve been waiting for

I am walking on a trail I am uncertain of
Reaching for the stars while hopelessly grasping for the ground underneath my broken feet
I am touching your tears afraid that if I do not wipe them away you’ll wipe me away
The thought of you in pain always makes me feel like throwing up
Someone as precious as you should never understand what it means to be hopelessly alone while surrounded by people who love you
I am afraid to understand the misery that lies beneath your more than somber smiles
I’m following a journey written out to me by the government
Spending money I don’t have
Hopelessly aiming for a future where I can provide for you and help everyone who’s ever helped me
This accumulative debt is a spark in my check book
Ruining my finances but helping me achieve something greater than myself
I could never write poems the way you write music
And every time I look in the mirror I see a missing piece of me and I cannot find it no matter where I look
I’m trying to find myself alongside you
Afraid that you’ll be another to leave me behind and achieve grand things without me
Even if I am a lowly writer
Even if I am a hopeful poet
Even if I am a hopeless person
I need a sense of fulfillment to keep me alive
I am a train and no one is filling my coal
I have stopped on the tracks of life and I do not know which way to go
There are storms rolling in and the thunder is so loud that I cannot hear myself scream
My heart beats at an exponential rate and I no longer know if I want it to finally explode
Or for it to just stop
The clickity clacking of my fingers typing away on my keyboard is music
So I am a musician just like you
Only my instrument of choice is my growing vocabulary and my lyrics don’t always make sense
But I am still walking
Sometimes I run to a destination I’m certain doesn’t exist

I am trapped
Caged in the dungeon of my mind, I cry along to the thump of the shades hitting the brick walls when the wind blows in cold air
I shiver
Afraid that I might die here and no one will know
This despair grows from my solitude
This anxiety will be my killer
A five minute panic becomes a twenty minute panic, and I can’t sleep for the night
Skipping classes, rocking back and forth in the early hours of the morning
How many times have I experienced this before
Ive lost count, or rather, I never wanted to keep track
Social interaction is hard when all it does is make you afraid
And I’d rather be isolated than make a fool of myself in front of people I barely know
My experience of a higher education is nothing more than years of disillusioned dreams, and endless days of self-loathing
When will it end
The panic, the paranoia, the depression and worthlessness keep getting stronger
I am alone
No one lays on the other side of my bed when I reach out for help
No one hears my whimpering as I try to reassure myself that everything will be okay
The only warmth I feel is that of a night light, and the microwave time
My forty dollar plush bunny has been my only saving grace
Who knew I would be paying thousands of dollars for my suicide

Pay no mind to me
I'm just an illusion of a person that will soon disappear and you won't even remember that there was someone to miss
I'll be like the thing at the tip of your tongue that you can never remember but feel you know exactly what it is
I'll be the feeling of walking into the room and forgetting what it was that you came looking for
That missing puzzle piece in a pile of thousands of missing memories that you'll never regain
Blind spots in your mind of times you didn't even know existed
Pay no mind to me
Strum your melodies and sing your melancholy songs about the girls you never got to kiss
I'll caress my head with my own hand i am strong enough to hold the weight of my stormy day sorrows
Don't say that you never heard the faucet dripping every time I called for you to be my plumber
Not hoping you would fix my problems,
Only hoping you would care enough to stick around and listen to the pitter of the leak

at the border and in cages
it’s the worst
in clouds of smog
it’s the worst
in prisons
it’s the worst
in foster care homes
it’s the worst
at the mall
at factories
at fundraisers for the poor
it’s the worst
at parties
at family gatherings
it’s the worst
at city hall meetings
at schools
at movie theaters
it’s the worst
in the morning
in the afternoon
in the evening
it’s he worst

going to bed
yellow balloons
that’s the best

looking at the starts
smelling food
watching the cow escape the slaughter
that’s the best

sparkling water
a bee pollinating a flower
that’s the best

swatting flies
fresh bed sheets
overcoming suffering
that’s the best

apposing the rich
unpopular opinions
fighting for minorities
that’s the best

vintage finds
forgotten promised
happy thoughts
that’s the best

answers
a still mind
understanding
hatred extinguished
that’s the best
for me.

I wish to hide behind the photographs on my wall
To go back to the past and wear the smile I once wore
To hide behind the laughter of my friends
To seek new adventures with fraudulent enthusiasm

I wish to hide underneath my bed
Where I was told monsters emerged
But only musty socks lived there
To find my imagination in the place where child me would go

Finding myself behind closed doors
Muffled screams heard over my covered ears
A pounding in my chest that could only be expressed by a sense of fear and anxiety
Not knowing what would come next

Blink once and the tears begin to fall
Blink twice and your palms moisten
Blink thrice and you can only breathe in scattered rhythms

Do not remember the past
Do not remember the past
Do not remember the past
Do not think about the chances you have to ruin the present
Ruin the present
Ruin my future

Your chest begins to tighten
Everything is too loud but the screams you hear are the ones you’re yelling at yourself

Calm down
Calm down
Calm down

Irrationality consumes you
You cannot think about your sanity
Only think about the pressure on your chest
Being crushed under piles of rocks that are your thoughts
The feeling of being buried alive while still holding your head above the water

Rocking back and forth as if you were in a rocking chair
Pulling at your arms as if they had dry glue on them
Bang your head against the walls that keep closing in on you

Blink once and the tears begin to fall
Blink twice and your palms moisten
Blink thrice and you can only breathe in scattered rhythms

You’re making rhymes out of your pain
Clapping your hands to keep them from tearing your skin
All the while hoping you have enough courage to drive your car into the river

It feels empty.
It is a glass of water pushed off the table, it gushes from my eyes.
Vacantly, as I stare into the paper waiting for the words to express this kind of empty, this kind of feeling so much that I am simply, empty.
The kind of empty that feels lonely.
The kind that makes me feel like sitting and looking out the window.
The kind of empty lonely that makes me need to be alone so that I do not hurt others with my wicked tongue.
The kind of empty lonely that is not easily understood.
In the darkened basement I sit, shunned from the outside world, surrounded by hobbies and projects I have lost interest in.
My motivation has left me, I look for her everywhere, but she doesn’t want to be found.
In a way, I am jealous, I would like to disappear too. There are times when I feel stuck in my meaningless day-to-day routine.
I am always reaching for something, hoping that it will give me something to live for, something that will make this all worthwhile, something that will give me meaning.
But for now, there is meaning in my empty loneliness.

Take me back
Back to before any of this mattered  
Take me back to the summer of 2015
I wish i could’ve prevented this
This unnecessary development of attachment and heartbreak
This diagram I have of your body
The way it felt under my hands
The warmth you produced
This memory of every sound you made when I touched you
The way I tucked your hair behind your ear and ran my fingers along your jaw line and kissed you
The intimacy
The sensuality
The loneliness
Take me back to the time before you
The time before I knew I would come to love you
Back to before I knew what a sense of stability felt like
Back to when I was comfortable being alone, being lonely
Back to before this feeling of not wanting to lose you, but knowing it was time to let you go
This ending is not bittersweet
It is sour to the core
I hope I have not skewed your sense of love, of passion, of companionship
Take me back
To before I ruined you

It’s almost like floating
Repeating the same task each week
It is painful, waking up each day
It kind of feels like someone broke your heart, the subtle retraction of reality’s painful knife stabs you again this morning
And you let out a couple of tears before you sit up and rub your face and ask yourself again, why it is you are still here?
You are not invisible, but no one looks at you
In class you sit with a tightened chest, afraid, petrified, that is what anxiety feels like
You can’t ask for help, there is a sock in your mouth but even if you could yell, would anyone come?
Your body hates you,
It aches and starves but you just lay in bed
Nothing will change
You’ve said this is temporary for many years now I believe that this pain is permanent
No one can fix this
Isolation is like a thin film surrounding your body and mind
You know very well that human interaction is vital, but you cannot bring yourself to ask for companionship
There is a false tone of voice you switch to when your loved one asks you if you are alright, they are tired of hearing you weep.
Maybe the cold wind will wisp you away into oblivion

Partner, companion, friend.
My dear lover,
My beloved muse.
I understand now what I did not know before.
Things I could not have known, without you.
Our lives have become an expedition of searching the deepest parts of our minds.
Understanding the past, hoping for the future, and going with the present.
There is no rule book when it comes to caring for another person, no rule book for love.
It does not stand alone.
You cannot have love without sorrow,
Without anger,
Without joy.
It’s vulnerable.
Love is, vulnerable.
It’s showing all of your cards, hoping they accept.
It’s watching them blossom, sometimes, away from you.
It’s selfish, and selfless.
My dear lover,
My beloved muse.
Your tenderness, I will never forget.
There is warmth in my heart, where your name lays.
I love you.

Love is not about girl and boy
It's not about boy and boy or girl and girl
Love is not about gender or whether a person can shove something inside of you and call it love
Love is a four letter word more complex than the atoms and protons that make up the
universe
It's about compassion and the understanding that just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it's wrong
Love is playing hide and seek at the age of 21
Not caring if people find it stupid
It is the deep rooted sorrow in the eyes of someone who has lost their beloved
Love is holding onto someone's hand afraid to let them go
It is the changing of seasons
The leaves dancing with the wind and the wind tugging at your hair
Love is sharing moments with people you didn't even know existed
It is the unconditional sacrifice of parents
And the willingness of children to grow up and reciprocate the nurture
Yeah
Love is laying in bed aching because there is no one beside you
It is the realization that life is better spent with companions
Growing up is one step closer to the realization of what life really is
And although we may never really know
At least we have spent it
With a little bit of love