I was so stupid, why couldn't I see?
That she never, really ever loved me.

I was an idiot, I said 'I love you'
Because I kinda thought, she loved me too

I was so dumb, I was out of my mind
to think I could get her, she's one of a kind

I'm still an idiot, because I'm still in love
With an angel belonging, so far above.

But she never loved me.

I cannot be angry,
  for fear of hurting you.
I cannot be happy,
  for it won't be true.
    So here I am,
      beaten,
        broken and
  miserable too.

i am afraid of having to feel
this way towards you.
this is familiar,
it is a warning sign perched
on the edge of a cliff,
and i am the clueless traveler
blinded by the sunlight and
the colors of the sky.
you are the bottom of
the seemingly infinite cliff,
and i'm contemplating over
jumping or not,
because before, the others
have only let me crash
and never thought of catching me.
i'm not sure if you are
the water or the ground.
i feel all of this only for you,
and it happens as fast as a blink.
and love, i blink a million times a day.
and it scares me to death every time.

Now I'm not a hundred percent sure
if you still love me any more.
But I know that this much is true
I will always be loving you.
He even doesn't deserve your time,
but in the end you're his not mine.
I love you more than you'll ever see,
but you love him, more than me.

wishing on stars that only stare back
sitting on abandoned railroad tracks
staring at the blinding moonlight
wishing on the distant city lights
straying a bit too far away
talking with intensifying heart flames

a stomach filled with bitter things
hanging out at the abandoned swings
falling asleep with the tv on
knowing that he's already gone
sleeping on tear-soaked pillowcases
trying to feel the old embraces

looking at the infinite ceiling
nights spent with prayers, kneeling
creating conversations that work your way
watching your once red roses start to decay
ruffled book pages and messy photo albums
contemplating over living in an asylum

no matter how much different nights you spend
your heart still seems like it couldn't be mended
no matter how much you try to push these thoughts aside
you'll still be left with a broken chest and teary eyes
you only wish to bid these bitter things away
but no matter how much you try, these empty nights still stay

My sassy gay friend
Is not an accessory
When you go rooting through the closet and find him
Lacing straight ties into chains
Do not think that he will complete your outfit
Just because a rainbow holds the hues that you were looking for
Haven’t you seen that bruises also bloom in shades of purple and blue
Fading into green and yellow
With red far too often escaping veins that are supposed to hold it in
Haven’t you seen what marks us
And brings our identity to the surface of our skin
When closet doors are slammed too often against our hands
My sassy gay friend
Is not a decoration
You do not get to wear him at your hip
To flaunt your acceptance
And claim symbiosis
As if he needs you to navigate the streets of heteronormativity
Cutting short his words when communication is the best thing we have
And when speaking fails us we resort to spending an afternoon
Sending smoke signals into the sky
Waiting for security in the focus that it takes just to
Breathe
My sassy gay friend
Is not a collectible
You do not get to gather us up into a complete set
To line us neatly in an array
Of rarities and charities
And alternative identities
Until you feel sufficiently well rounded
In your attempted diversity
My sassy gay friend
Is not an icon
A token character
Or comic relief
My sassy gay friend
Is not meant to be romanticized
Idolized
Or fetishized
He is human
I am human
You are human
And if we see each other as sparkles and rhinestones
We're all going to lose all the value
That can't be found on price tags

I never blamed you.
Not now, not then, not ever.
You lifted me,
Brought me higher.
How could I lay blame on that?

The heart that ticks within my cavity,
It only ticks for you.
The searing pain that splits open my head,
When you tell me that I deserve better.
It is not a matter of "deserve".
It's what I "want".
It's what I "desire".
You have held that place since I ever told you those three words.

Now I'm being killed inside.
To have love-loss would almost ease the burdened pain I feel.
But the love is still there,
I know it is,
I can feel it!
But love was
Never the problem...

And now,
When I look at you,
Nothing has changed.
You're still the one that I love,
As I am still the one you do.
But this pain,
That explodes to the tips of my fingers,
Rings out to me,
For the hand of this love is one I can no longer hold.

My heart has sunk,
And I have no expectations of finding it.
I feel the faint murmurs,
A muffled beat here and there.
Only your presence makes the trace visible;
Makes the echo grow louder.

Even as I lay these words to page,
I stammer over the keys.
I know you will not read them,
Nor will you even know
Of their existence.
But they do,
I feel them every day that I draw breath.
And soon the days where I don't.

Time is the only remedy I have.
The cure to washing away all the **** that has collected,
Tearing away at me bit by bit.
Only when the last scrap of uncertainty has been wiped,
Will I be able to build anew.

You did what was needed,
You should feel no shame in that.
You did what I had done before,
And vowed to never do unto another again.
Not anger,
Hatred,
Betrayal,
Or vengeance seek claim in my mind.
You did what was best for us,
And in time I know we will rekindle what was put on hold.

And still yet,
Through all of this,
I always remember what you had told me.
"Tears are just returning water to the sea".