I want to be available
to the people who love me.
I want to be there
emotionally, physically, financially.
I want to be their shoulder
their crutch, their solace.
The person who does not drop anything.
I want to give the feeling
of lightness to every being walking this earth.
Every human, creature, and plant
as they grow up fast.
I want to be nutrition,
a steadfast superhuman
so unfazed, so cool-headed.

It infuriates me
that I'm not this person.
It should be so easy to give.
If I just get my **** together,
I've repeated on and off again
the last five years.
But somehow, I always manage
to waste enough time
to get there,
but late.
When I have nothing
left, a hollow person
someone gave too
many tries.

Still, the people I love
tell me I'm wise,
an angel body.
Like they must justify,
who I am,
the imposter
the transient,
always planning,
for when she can
run away again.

to me,
you are
an art

                              to you,
                              I was
                              a tragedy

when you're up there
standing, proud
they'll be there too

oh, they'll hear you alright
they'll see you
they'll know you

but in the glare of the spotlight,
remember this:

Make sure they listen.
Make sure they look.
Make them understand.

One more time,
I let you in,
We were perfect
We fit perfectly,
But if only.

But if only,,
I hadn't outgrew,
If only you,
You hadn't made me,
A cold heartless creature

All the heartbreaks,
You thought I survived,
You never asked,
Every time,
A sliver of my soul left

I'm only filled with revenge,
Hate,
For what you did to me

If only for that we would still be together.