I had a dream
A little while back,

But it's been gnawing
And aching
And beating itself
Against my swimming (drowning) head,

Because in this dream
We were fighting
     (Like usual)
And I told you to
     "Be worse"
So I could stop missing you,
And time could remember
How to tick again

And you looked me in my eyes,
Through my eyes
And you screamed,
You told me you were trying your best.

And here comes the flood.

Let's live together
     Like a poem
Written from our frosty breath
    Dancing in the cool moonlit air.

My body is frozen,
     My ribs are icicles
Threatening to pierce
     My hollow shell
Made from whisper-thin skin,

And it may be
     The dead of summer,
But I need warmth.

Oh,
     Won't someone light
          A fire in me?

I so often
Convince my thoughts
That I lose my soul
Among the unknowing
And empty, drifting space
Of whatever it means
To be alive
Because I like the
"Adventure" of it,

But only here,
In the murmuring
Hum of a bedside
Lamp glowing against
The ache of
So-late-it's-early,

Only now,
From behind the safety of
My flimsy bedsheets
Covered in lint
Will I admit

I don't know what I'm doing.

And I'm t͢e͢r͢r͢i͢f͢i͢e͢d͢
     I'm doing it all wrong.

Nothing good
Ever lasts forever,
Because everything good
Gets lost eventually,
And everything forever
Will succumb to the fading
Of never good enough.

I've always known
That I'd die in a car accident
Someway
Somehow,

And beneath the
Silent flicks of lightning
Stretching across
A plaster sealed sky,

The world stood still,
Molded out of clay
And gasping for air
Like a drizzled flower petal
Suspended in time,

For a moment so fleeting
It nearly escaped me,
I hoped some drunken
Speeding car
Would smash right into me,

For once not because of the
Complexity and dismemberment of it all,

But because I was okay with dying
In some moment where it all made sense.