Ive never saw the world as more then black and grey Maybe I Never will
What's important is that
Im
still
Here
I'm still here
I don't know Why Nor how 
But I am and 
its for you that I will Fight 
Yes 
I will Fight to stay 
When I once fought to leave 
I would never force Upon you 
the dull view 
that shall always plage My eyes 
instead I hope to fill yours
with Color 
Love 
and Maybe most of all 
Understanding 
in a Universe of so Little 
I hope to help You find Grace even if I,
Myself,
shall never see her Shining face.
I'll lay you down at her ivory white Lace,
before the goddess
and
I will Plead 
and 
I will hope
she take pity
for even Grace,
herself,
is Blind.

When you look at the stars
Or the things i have given you over the years
Know that i love you

I know i left
And promised to bring you here
At least once a year
But i didnt expect to have a child

Money's tight im sorry
I'm not replacing you with him
Your both my babies
You were my first.
When mom wasnt home i always cared for you
I taught you
I loved you
I still do

Im sorry we cant talk as much
As id like.
My sister
My baby
My bug

Itll take a while but ill be back for you
Hes my baby yes
But you'll always be my first.

Why do i cry?
Is because i'm scared you'll leave?
Is it because I'm scared you'll take him?
Because i,
myself,
am imbalanced?
Imperfect?
Or am i just insane?
Anxious?
So many options.
Could all be the answer?
My fear of abandonment
My fear of loss
Of everything that can and could
Potentially
Go wrong?
Whatever the reason
Couldnt you respond with understanding
Instead of ridicule?
If not understanding
Maybe just reassurance
Thats all i need
I may need much
Of that one thing
But its only one
I do not wish to push all my doubts and issues upon you
I only wish for you to understand
Understand that i don't cry to anger you
I cry from frustration and fear
Fear you may leave
Frustrated that you don't get that
I'm not trying to blame you
Or inprison you
Or to manipulate you
I am just shedding tears for the unknown
If you cannot understand
At least let me be
Till my eyes are dry
And i can be me again
Let me hide in the restroom
With the fan on
So you don't hear my sobs
For as long as i live
The fear will
Most likely
Remain.

Dear child
I'm sorry
Sorry for downing smokes
While you depended on me for life
Sorry for drinking the little I did
While you needed me
Sorry for anything I did to lose you
Before i knew you existed

I'm sorry for all the things I did wrong
That may have made me lose you

I don't know what you were going to be
Son
Daughter
But I knew
No
I know one thing
Even though your gone
Your still my baby

I'm sorry you never got a proper name
Only shartbait
But I love you just the same.

I remember when I first saw you
Unfortunately you never saw me
You looked off too me
But I still loved you the same

Im sorry you didn't get a proper send off.
I didn't know what to do with you
You didn't even have legs
I wish I'd done more then flush you.
I regret it everyday.
But just know I still love you
And I still cry some days for you.

I hope wherever you are
You can forgive me.
Cuz I'll always love you.

It was only 2 short months
But I'll always love you

Regretfully
Your mother

Sing along
With the sirens song
Let it not take you
Don't let your will weaken so
Think of all the things
This song leaves unsaid
It tells of paradise
But you can't have adventure
And true understanding
In this world of perfection
The sirens' sweet song portrays

Now stop.
Stop singing along
Start your own tune
Your own beat
One of daring
And of bravery
Sing your song louder
And stronger
Sing a song
A song of things they not dare
A song of truth

Don't be fooled by their false tales
Of perfection
For perfection is what you make of it.

Don't listen to the young.
Listen to the old.
The ones who never exlored life
Listen to their regrets
Listen to the ones who took a chance
Hear their joy.

Forget the enchanting vision
Sung by sirens
Instead listen to drunken sailors
Singing of things past and real

Join reality
Not silly fanstiy

My friends don't like me.
I know
I heard.
Guess they ain't my friends
After all

But that's okay
No matter how it hurts
I understand.

Maybe it's cuz I ***
Cigarettes too much
Maybe cuz I have too much
Ache on my face.
Like a never ending game
Of connect the dots.

Maybe it's cuz I try to be happy
And uplifting
Because I don't want others
Feeling as low as I do.

I'm not too surprised
It's been this way my whole life

I've been the scrape goat
For even my own family

I have issues may of them
Will never know
Because I would never
Burden anyone
With the knowledge
That I hold inside

Still it hurts.

And still
If they ask it of me
I will listen to their trival problems
Even though if they knew
They'd say I had it worse.

They complain about their parents
While I knew what my father's **** looked like
By four.
While I knew what it looked like
To see your mother get thrown at the wall.
While I know my mom blames me
For everything.
I still listen.
For why should my problems be of anymore value then theirs?

They complain about their siblings
When I'm sure mine
Inherited our fathers sick mind?
But just can't prove it yet
Or maybe I can
But am to afraid to put the math
Together in fear
Of what the truth is.

I say I don't care and ignore
The brokenness that is inside
My mind.

Because I believe I am strong
When in fact I am weak.

Yet I heard them say
They don't like me.
Complaining about me

Why is my instinct telling me
To listen and to agree?
To these foul words they say bout me?

They are mearly children
Talking gossip
Yet my 8 year old sis
Seems to agree...

There will be no uprising
In this story.
No lesson learned
Only me
Still realizing
How much people don't care.

Only the same pattern
Of disappointment.
And failure to connect to someone.

They don't like me
And who can blame them?
No one ever has

Let me paint a picture for you
No I can not move a brush
As beautiful as others
In fact if I try
You'd laugh

So instead
Let me paint one for you
With the only tool I can use
A little well

Walk with me
In my gallery
Words on the wall

Looks boring I know
But look closer you'll see
What each one is
And how it relates to me

The first stop
A rose
Or something else?
I can't tell
And neither can you
The petals are gone
What it was before
Has been long forgotten
Worn by time
But there's still beauty if you dare to search

Stop 2
Ah I remember this one fondly
A ship at sea
A brave and loyal crew
The sea
She's untameable
But they still try
See the sweat upon their brows?
See them struggle to keep
Their worn ship afloat
Ah to live such a life.
Of adventure and daring

Stop 3
You go on and look
I'll stay back here
For I remember this one
In my worse of nightmares.
This ones a story look close
See the shadows?
Above that sleeping girl?
Each one is a nightmare she will endure
She looks innocent
And she is for now
Now my friend
Back to the shadows
Do you see?
Each like constellations on the wall
A woman flying through the air
A car with a woman holding to the window
That girl hiding in the bend of the wall
If you look close you can see her fear

Last stop for today
I call this one
The brightest day
Its simple.
A girl and a boy.
With their entire future ahead
I only hope that this one
Isn't just an illusion
I've made.

I'm useless
I'm ugly
But he still loves me.

I hurt him
Because of my own insecurities
But he still loves me.

I'm fat
Have many flaws
But he still loves me.

I'm broken
Been hurt a lot
But he still loves me.

I'm tired
Of pretty much everything
But he still loves me.

I've given up
On many things
But he won't give up on me

He still loves me

When I say
Stupid things
He still loves me

When I act a fool
He still loves me

When I'm being a dork
He still loves me

When I cry
For small things
He still loves me

When I sing
Way off key
He still tells me
It's beautiful

He still loves me

He still loves me

And I will always love him.

My friend got to see you
Just not too long ago.
Told me
Your not as handsome
And amazing
As I said.

I stared at her
A million reasons
Why you where all those things
And more
Shot through my brain.
But all I could say is.
"I love him"

How can I tell her
That I see the stars in your eyes
And they keep me in place when I feel as though I may fall?

How can I possibly explain
The feeling of delight I feel hearing your voice
The pull on my heart I feel
Seeing your face.

How can I say
"He's my best friend"
When you're so much more.

If I said
"he's my reason for breathing,
For getting up in the morning
For not giving up.
He's my everything."
It'd be the truth
But very little of it.

There's so much I wanna say.
Many are just fragments I can't fit together just yet.
But I like the feeling of speechlessness
You've given me.

Till then just know.
My friend thinks you're ugly
But to me your everything but.

last night
i came home late
to my mother yelling

i tried to reason
to no avail
she didn't believe any of my words

her hand on my arm
her voice high and loud
she tried to push me inside
she wouldn't listen

tired and angry
i walked away
she followed

then i ran
and ran
and ran
and ran

till i could no longer hear the flopping
of her shoes
behind me.

i had to return later
but the feeling of that run
of disobeying
of my heart beating fast
of my small lasted freedom
is still in my mind
causing me
to want to run once more
and never stop
till i'm so far away
even her in her sliver car
can't find me

i want to run
and run
and run
and run
and i don't wanna ever stop

Please don't go.
You're my best friend.
My sister.
I don't wanna lose you

Please don't leave me
Alone with out a friend

i love you
don't you know?
more then she could ever love you

and i know its just a short thing
you and her
but it still hurts to think
of you and her
together
while I'm sitting here alone
thinking of you in her arms
while I'm all alone
without you
and it hurts
and it hurts
and it hurts
and its hurts

i should have said no
should have said no
no
no
no
no
it hurts thinking of
you and her together
while I'm alone

god I'm so stupid
and I've made mistakes
but I've been here for you
I'd never heard her name before
yet you say shes one of your closest friends

and i know its just a short thing
you and her
but it still hurts to think
of you and her
together
while I'm sitting here alone
thinking of you in her arms
while I'm all alone
without you
and it hurts
and it hurts
and it hurts
and its hurts

i should have said no
should have said no
no
no
no
no
it hurts thinking of
you and her together
while I'm alone

but i can't tell you no
i love you too much to tell you know
so I'll be quiet
because when you're happy
I'm happy too

i just wanna go home.
i hate this place.
and i don't like these people.

i miss the people i love
i miss being treated like a human
i miss him
i miss his smell
his voice
him

i hate the way this place looks
the trees  are too tall
the grass too green

i miss home
the cactus
the dust
the brown grass
the tiny trees

i hate how seagulls sound
and miss crows
and sparrows

i hate this cramped apartment
i hate being trapped
i hate the way i can't escape
i hate the fact
i have another year
i didn't expect

i miss knowing i'd be out soon
i miss knowing she trusted me
i miss her being proud of me
or at least faking it

i despise the very air it's self
smelling the way it does
it doesn't smell right

i hate it here

i just wanna go home

today my mother told me i had a ****** outlook on life,
and maybe,
she's right.

i believe that we all die
each and every one of us
nothing matters
we all go at some point

she says i once had dreams and goals
i responded with
yes
but
is it worth the stress?
i could be just as happy leading a simple life
with the man i love
maybe some kids
and pets
and even knowing that its all in my head
i could be happy

or i could spend hours worrying bout homework
staying up late
till i graduate
only to do it all over in a collage
and put myself up to my neck in student loans
who'd want that?
maybe you
maybe my mother
but not me

I'd rather watch my shows
laugh with my friends
drink with friends who are now as family
have a cigarette as i watch my smoke fade in the star light
**** my man till we pass out

of course i only ask my mother
if it's worth the stress

i can't tell her why
not now anyways
for she stills sees me an ignorant child
who thinks she knows all

but in reality
its quite the oppose
i know nothing
nothing of what tomorrow will bring
i rather live my life
today
then die fearing it
then die fearing a supreme power
then die feeling i didn't fulfill my goals
no
hell no
i rather die with both my middle fingers in the air
a bottle of whiskey on my side
a smoke in my right hand
and a joint in my left
my favorite show playing on the TV.
friends laughing around me
my love by my side
and children and pets playing
without a care in the freaking world

so mother
you can think
my outlook on life's ******
you can call me a child

but really
if nothing matters
and nobody belongs anywhere
then we can do whatever we want
and be truly free

so dear mother
stop stressing
just for today
and come watch tv

This morning i woke up to
My sister's alarm
6:30

I turned it off so fast
She didn't hear​ it.

I layed awake till 7
Just thinking about how
Fat I am
How useless I am
How cold the room is
Day dreaming about a TV show
Trying to distract myself
From the toxic thoughts
Spinning in my brain.

My alarm rings
And I jump out of bed.
I tell my sister that she slept in.
She's pissy.
Telling me to wake my littlest sister
Cuz she can't
Because she screams her awake.
Because she treats her like ****.
And my 8 year old sister replys
With a temper.

Who can blame her?
Having a huge 15 year old wake you
By screaming in your ear
To hurry the **** up.
Isn't cause for a calm rise.

In her room,
She sleeps like a little angel
You'd never guess
That her mouth is worse then our mothers
I crawl in beside her
Wishing I could just let her sleep.

I slowly shake her awake.
She's angry I ate ice cream without her.
"Finish your dinner next time"
I tell her
Before leaving to go to the restroom.

Shoving my fingers down my throat.
The least favorite part of my day.
But you grow used
To the burning and the choking.
I've dropped a lot this way.

Wiping my mouth
I think back
To when I first got to Portland.

My step dad hadn't seen me
In a little under a year.
Without him making me feel worthless
And the man I love telling me
That I'm beautiful
I had forgotten how ugly
How fat I truly am
Till we arrived at his garage
And he whispered
Laughing to my mother
"She got Chunky"
My mom laughing too.
I covered my fat,
Ugly
Stupid stomach
With my jacket.

I look into the mirror
I rased my shirt.
I lost a bit.
But I'm still fat.
I'm still ugly.

I feel too broken to cry.

I clean myself up

In the kitchen
I find the coffee has been on all night
Black burnt stuff covers the bottom.
So ugly
Gross

I start my coffee.
Just enough for a cup
And a travel mug for my friend and myself.
The more I drink
The more I'll ****
The more I can become somewhat better.
Skinnyer

I leave it to brew.
And get dressed.
All my jeans are *****.
My sister yells at me
For not washing them
I tell her
"I forgot"
She seems unconvenceed.
"Also I don't care."
That's a lie
I do.
I just didn't wanna get up.

Instead of jeans I wear black dress pants
And a black shirt.
I look plain.
I grab my cat ears.
They make me feel good.

My sister is wearing my shirt.
I tell her to leave it alone.
I don't want it to smell or feel like her.
She scares me.
She couldn't win a fight against me I know.
But something
Something about her
Makes me uneasy.

I feel guilty to think this
About the girl who lived in
The same womb I did.

I shake the thought.

She's yelling at the 8 year old.
Their gonna be late.
I watch them leave.
Hearing her yell all down the street.
Worried that maybe
Stuff happens on the way.

The dogs been following me
All around the house waiting for me
To take him to ***.
I take him and watch
As he runs down the stairs.

He ****** on a lawn.

I'm late.

I grab my coffee and drink a cup
In under a minute.
I hope this makes me lose my fat.
I grab my bag.
It's heavy
But not as heavy as my thoughts.

Ugly *****.

I need a smoke.

Oh ****. My bus passes me.

I run.
Aware of my bouncing stomach.
My ugly face.

I make it and smile at the driver.
Flashing her my school ID.
Covering my picture.
With my ugly face.

I don't find a cigarette anywhere before my train pulls up.
On the train.
I tell my mother I'm going to work force after school.
She says ok.

I need to get a job if I wanna go home.
I think about my man
And how I need this money
To get back to him
To get back to a happy place.

Or at least to gets some ******* ****.

I don't wanna think.
So I open my book.
An old friend.
"The Angel's command"

I read till I get to my spot.
Laughing at a joke.
I close it and turn on acdc.
Got no headphones
But the music makes me forget
How much I don't deserve him
For a bit.

I'm only a few minutes late.
A rare thing for me.
I normally miss half of class
And come in ******.

My Friend isn't here.
My other friend has no ****.
My English teacher talks about the play
Fences.
It was werid to hear these people talking
Like me.
As they read.
Though I'd been told
That I can't talk that way cuz I'm white.

My second class.
Current events.
I listen to stories of human stupidity

And I write this poem.

While I'm sober.

I hope at lunch
Someone has something to make me forget
About how useless I am.
About everything.

And at my third period
I hope my teacher
Doesn't make another joke
About my home.


And when I go to work force
I hope I find a job.

And when I go home.
I hope I ***** myself small.
I hope my sister isn't home.
I hope my mom's in a good mood.
I hope my ex step dad calls.
I hope my mom's boyfriend cooks dinner
Just so I can eat a lil and lose it right after.
I hope my shower doesn't end in crying.
I hope I add another chapter to my fan fic.
I hope my man calls and tells me he loves me.
I hope that I sleep without crying.
I hope that I don't see myself in the mirror.

It's gonna be a long day.

You laugh at the girl
With the ****** up clothes
And books on voodoo
Yes you do

And you know
Her mom's on shrooms
And her father's a deadbeat
But what you don't know
Is you don't wanna **** with this little lulu

Oh she knows tricks
You'll never know
Like how to shoot fire
Out her nose!
And how to turn your ****
Into a fire hose
Whoo

Watch it fall from the sky
And fly
As she puts her knife back in her pocket,
Locks her lips
And laughs from this little blue dummy
Yummy
Well ain't that funny?
You thought I was lieing
But now your **** is flying

And you'll probably never
See it again
Watch your lips
And don't talk smack
To a voodoo lulu
When you don't know ****
About the voodoo of a lunatic!

My eyes itch,
My throat burns
The coffee in the pots burnt
And my mugs cold

The TV's on in the backroom,
Someone's been skinned-
Stripped of all fleash-
Screaming,
Screaming,
Silence.

My computer screen stares back at me
And my eyes water at the light.
They try to close

My heart beats
Ba boom
Ba Boom
BA BOOM
Each thump hurts more and more

Typing, typing, typing

I love you

My mouth turns upright
And I feel my heart settle a bit

I love you too

Night

Night

Nicotine and coffee

I wiggle and scream
Much like the TV did
Only to wake to lonely silence

Shower and reheat the dark muddy drink
One quick cigarette
And

**Good morning my love,
       I've missed you.

My friends,
when you die,
go to hell,
I'll meet you there
and welcome you home.
For we belong down here.
We curse and we yell
And we howl all night.
Tis always night here
With bonfires
and such huge flames
In camps of the sinners
Here we're all winning
Oh it's never boring here
We drink
We rob
We love
We hate
Discord is our favorite thing

A lot like a firery prison
We will punish those we see fit
Not all who don't fit gods approval list
Beware our anger

When you die
My friends
Go to hell
And I welcome you there.

to donate
people need a reward
a shirt
a gift card
to give to someone

to do the right thing
it must benefit them
never mind the other people it'll help
only you matter

to give a cigarette
"give me 50 cents"
never mind this woman has 3 kids
and works all night
and just needs something to chill

people disgust me
they don't care
unless they get something

selfish creatures
deserve hell  
we all know that quite well

Let me out!
Let me out!
i scream and scream
yet, this mindless drone
continues to talk aimlessly
about finding Y's X
just let me go

i began to see
numbers flying through the air
with plus signs and graphs
everyone around me
laughs, laughs, laughs
and
that mindless, soulless drone
starts reciting binary code!

oh let me go!
let me go!
the graphs have teamed up
with the X's and zeros!
and the imagery numbers
became the allies
of symbols i don't remember!

Y's chasing the X
and Zero's ignoring all the rules

Let me go!
Let me go!
they've trapped me
in problem 92
i can't escape
my work is due

Oh let me go!
Let me go!
i scream and scream
behind my eyes
and this heartless, merciless drone
KEEPS RECITING
THIS **** BINARY CODE!

a ringing sound
and my eyes un-haze
class is over
i made it
i escaped
till tomorrow i say
to the mindless drone
i wish to slay.

Why did I push you away?
I didn't know
it would case me
so much pain
I don't wanna say
I want you back
cuz how horrible would I be
to tell you I love you
after I pushed you away
I think you were right in saying
I'm scared of love
maybe because it's hurt me
my soul
my being
I'm afraid that one day
you'll hate me
so I decided to cut ties
I try not to fall
so to avoid the struggle of standing back up

I miss you through
but I won't let myself tell you
why?
because I'm a stubborn fool
so stubborn
I hate people seeing me
my pain
my tears
me.
but I'm scared of losing you completely
so that's why
right now
I'm staring at you
so intensely
looking for even a hint of longing
for a hint that you've noticed
that I'm fighting myself
over you

A meeting taking place
the head screams
we need order
a dozen or so nod in agreement
others howl in disapproval
in the end though
some thing
will be regretted
because you can't win them all
no matter how much it hurts

more screaming
more rage
more yelling

now would be when I should insert a sigh
I guess
but what's the point?

sigh

just another meeting
in my mind's conference room

shock
anger
regret
guilt
pain
sorrow
happiness
peace
dark

*good bye see you on the morrow

What if I spoke my mind?
What if I just let it all out?
Would it make me feel better
Or worse
Worrying that your lips ain't as tight as you claim

What if I had never been hurt
What if my heart hadn't been so dumb
So much
Maybe I'd be stronger

What if when you ask what I want to be
I told the truth
Not the regular bull
Would you look at me oddly
Or the same

What if my sisters never grew so far from me
What if that knife never hit my back
Would I be happy

What if I learned to love
On the outside
Instead than on the inside
Think I'd be any less messed up?

What if I spoke my mind?
Would you ever understand my way of thinking?

What if I stopped pushing people away
What if I tore down my wall?

What if I said my mind?
What if I gave you a map to my heart?
Would you make it?
Probably not
Given I'd change the path before you could take five steps.

Boxed in
I stare around the cell that holds me
my beating heart quickens
every moment I spend here
locked inside my cell

Sunlight streams through the bared window
I remember how you looked through it
I rise to my feet sighing heavily
remembering how I came to my senses
wishing that I hadn't

I'm still rebuilding
from your invasion
I halfway wish
I'd let you break my heart
instead of me cutting ties
before I got hurt

I'm not lazy
when it comes to my cell
I cover every crack
and continue to search for another
yet I feel I'm still missing some

Every stone
Every brick
Every crack
has a past
a reason
some are so old
I have forgotten their meaning

I plaster the cracks and holes
still left from you
for some reason my walls are still tumbling
more so when I think of you

I haven't had anyone damage my wall
this much
ever
in all the time
it's stood strong
but its crumbling
at the slightest glance from you
and I fear
the end of my cell
might be near

The hawk can't see
The hawk flies-
                 through the raging storm
Her golden brown feathers-
                 poetry in motion
Her status is the highest-
                 top of the food chain
Eye sight sharper than mine-
                 yet even she can't see-
.                               the words in your brain

Oh god,
tell me,
if thou is truly real,
is love just another internal hell?

oh devil,
tell me,
if thou is also indeed real,
is love just another paradisiacal reel

I sat in my bed to hear.
we wrote a letter in the sand.
Someone was quoted,
I was told he calculated life.
small girl
large spider
a house traveled.
Argument unraveled,
at dawn
at the red light
equals
hair on our heads

Dear mother,
did you know?
do not sit on the edge of the open moon roof
don't ever say
"not by the quiet running river"

Forty years ago i examined
the old wooded basin

a life gone away

in love with this bus

keep an eye on that boy
I can't wait to be free
I don't really mind

i hope Friday dances
I played ninja with the boys til i fell
i used to fake what a crow crowed
"if your mind had been larger"
I'm not me
in some places
in the diner
it wasn't so

at sunset
leave the car
light up the yard

may i explain the context
people are a mystery
my sister
my friend
my hundred-year-old neighbor told me:
my older days will be like no other
and i speak a language so foreign
that my uncle must come from India
    
no cats
run to me
even when i plead

always walking
in a land of wind

say "thanks"
poke shovels in our grave

she sits in the living room
trying to show

pack the puppet
sitting, chasing
begin at the center
won't help

land waits for rain
little girl
the bakery
they said
a truck heaped with newspaper
was born wrong.

do you see me
or has my time in the underworld turned me invisible?
i am stuck with this man
you would think
taking me from my mother would be enough
But no, i had to marry this cold dark man

i guess its my fault though
i had to eat the seeds
but the fruit was so sweet looking
the seeds so inviting

why am i rambling
you humans don't really know me
only as "Hade's wife"  
i'm so minasual
that Zeus let me be kidnapped

mother was furious
everything grew cold
just like me

Persephone
remember it for me
in case i forget it

*Persephone

I couldn't keep myself away
couldn't keep myself from kissing you
your arm draped over me
just made my mind go numb
couldn't think about anything
but your heart beat
your breathing
how warm and inviting your mouth would be
if I kissed you again
couldn't think
couldn't tell myself no
I just leaned over
and started kissing you
realized what I was doing
but still couldn't stop
because your kiss was what I needed
your lips over mine
the way your tongue slipped perfectly in-between my teeth
how you put so much into a single touch of lips
and I couldn't pull away

Love, I believe
is not what you say
but how you say it

Love, I believe
is when the other says something
they mean something beautiful

Love, I believe
is not just a fairy tale
but it is indeed very rare

Love, I believe
can be a hell of everlasting torture
or a heaven of undying adoration

Love, I believe
is a mysterious force
unexplainable.

Love, I believe
is power
and weakness

Love, I believe
is the best medicine
along with laughter

Love, I believe
can move a mountain
can withstand all of hell without running short of breath

Love, I believe
is the feeling you get
when you look or think about that special someone in your life

Singing birds
can't lift me higher than yours
their songs so simple
yet yours enters my temple
into my mind
your words sweep
I am yours and you are mine
I think I may lose my mind
gentle rumble of a voice
I think I have no choice
but to listen hard and close
listening to your rhythm
makes my heart stop its beat in time

Say my name in the dark
I will hear you whisper in the dark
say my name to the air
and I will remember fair
say my name in your room
trust me when I say I'll hear your boom
say my name to the wall
I can hear you across the hall
say my name in your mind
I will hear you in mine
say my name when your falling down
I will hear you across the town
say my name in my ear
so I know you're near
say my name
and I'll say yours
say my name
it's not much of a chore
you don't have to adore
but I'll adore yours

I come to tell you
I've seen
a thousand morrows
a thousand humming bird dead
upon my front porch
a thousand numbers crying
divided
a thousand pieces of hair
cut away
a thousand lovers pulled away
never reunited
a thousand weddings bringing joy
as well as pain

I come to tell you
I've heard
a thousand heartbeats
a thousand sighs
quick intakes of breath
a thousand breaking plates
hit the floor
a thousand wolfs howling in pain
the alpha, I think, was shot
a thousand drops hitting the floor
tears of salt
a thousand footsteps creeping
across a thousand nails
a thousand screams
on ripping wind

I come to tell you
I've touched
a thousand faces
a thousand falls
painful as it was
a thousand blankets holding back
fears
a thousand sun rays
warming me
a thousand cold winds
never stopping
a thousand furs of animals
gone dead away
a thousand rushing gallons of water
colder than ice

I come to tell you
I've tasted
a thousand sweet strawberries
a thousand sweet kisses
sweeter than sugar
a thousand sour flavors
hit my taste buds
a thousand stakes of cows long past
I taste salt
a thousand tears
hidden
a thousand cheeses
cut into a thousand pieces
a thousand screams of animals eaten

I come to tell you
I've seen
I've heard
I've touched
I've tasted
therefore I am human

there's a banging
a banging in my head!
it hurts so much
i can hardly breathe

there's a yelling
a yelling in my head
its screaming
screaming
at me
for you

all i hear is it yelling
banging
screaming
crying
as it runs around in my skull
like a mad man in a locked room

its head hits my eye
and it goes black
feels as if
my eye will certainly fall out of its socket!

it crawls down my throat
and tries to escape from my mouth
but i refuse to open my lips
so it crawls down to my chest
and cuts off my lung
forcing me to gasp and choke

out it escapes
into the open air
one long agonizing howl
so long
so loud
that even the dead can hear it
and it's echo
bounced off the lady moon
into your ear
and quite shortly after which
I heard my own name
echo back to my own ear
to began
that awful banging
once again

when I'm quiet
I need to speak my mind.
When I speak my mind
I'm being a typical teen.

When I get emotional about anything,
I'm being a hormonal girl teen.
When I act like
I feel nothing
I need to open up.

When I open up
I'm lieing or
making something
outta nothing.

When I try to write,
they take it
and start thinking I mean
things I don't
and get mad I hid it.
When I show them
they never wanna look at it.
When they do look,
they don't approve

When they tell me to go out more, I'm not home enough.
When I stay home,
I'm lazy.

When I talk like an adult,
I'm just a teen
what do I know. When I talk like a kid,
act my age.

***.
There's no winning here no matter how I act
Yet I'm told to deal with it
That's life
And I'm told to change it.

We fall into your stereotype,
BECAUSE you believe everything
We do
Is a typical teen phase

But if you were treated as such,
Wouldn't you be just as confused?

say with me
America is doomed

well Trump's an ongoing joke
and Hillary's lies are painfully easy to perceive.
Bernie's polles speak of certain failure.

say it with me
America is doomed

Once more the simpsons tell us
how america will fall.
“I will build a great wall –
and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me –
and I’ll build them very inexpensively.
I will build a great,
great wall on our southern border,
and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
This is the man
45 percent of Texas is voting for
I've never been more ashamed of my home

Say it with me
America is doomed.

Hillary can’t get through a speech
without falling apart
In a coughing fit.
Needed help just going up some stairs.
Laughed about helping
a cockroach
Get away with ****.
“Of course he claimed he didn’t.
All this stuff.
He took a lie detector test.
I had him take a polygraph,
which he passed,
which forever destroyed my faith in polygraphs.”
And she dares to claim she’s for women?

Say it with me
America is doomed

Someone tell Trump
He’s fired.
Before he destroys this country.
Someone tell Hillary
She needs to go home
Before she dies on the job.

Someone tell Bernie
That he won
Before the orange man and old ****
Ruins us all.

Say it with me
America is doomed.

Oregon apparently  has the right idea.
And will mainly vote for Bernie.

Say what you will
About Obama
But tears will be shed when he goes
Especially after the roasting he gave
He earned his mic drop
“Obama out”

Say it with me
America is doomed

Say it loud
Cry unproud
America is doomed.

Say it with me
Spread it across our failing country
Write it
Scream it
Cry it
Whisper it
Know it
Remember it
And lose your american pride
As you repeat it over and over
*AMERICA IS DOOMED

Every day
It screams over the noise
And sobs silently in my mind.
Every night,
It quietly echos through my head
And I whisper it in tears.
I cry it out loudly
When I find myself alone.
I hold myself tightly
As I whimper it into the empty air.
I let it softly repeat
As I feel my self growing colder.
I smile sadly
As your face fades.
But your name will always remain.

I wiped your tears,
And cried alone.
Isn't this backwards?

A mother's supposed to
Clean the puke,
When your sick.
Make you tea with honey and lemon.
And give you medicine.
I'm doing all of that for
you and them
And I clean my own *****.
Isn't this backwards?

I've stood up for you
and them
Isn't this backwards?

I've stayed up late,
feeding her.
Isn't this backwards?

I've kissed their wounds,
Taught them,
Loved them
Isn't this backwards?

I was there when he left
Telling you it'd be okay
Isn't this backwards?

I was the one who fought
For you
Isn't this backwards?

I've held in so much
And you've trusted in me.
Isn't this backwards?

Mom.
I love you.
But when you came back
I was like a kid
You adopted
Someone you didn't know.

Mom I love you
But you haven't been a mother.
Not really.
So do me a favor?
Pretty please.
Everything I've done for you?
Take note.
And do it for my sisters.

Have you ever hit that point
where you want to cry
every time you think,
when you see something familiar,
when you see a picture.
When little things get to you.
When you can't hear certain phrases
without remembering everything
your trying to forget.
you have to breath
before your okay again,
but your not okay.

Your breaking inside
you can feel your heart shatter
in your chest everytime.
You remember them.
All the people you miss.
All your mistakes.
All the times you should have said
I love you.
Maybe they would have stayed.
Maybe they would have lived.

All those times you should have
fought harder.
Maybe they wouldn't have hurt you. Maybe they would have
Left you alone

If not, then don't tell me to be happy.
You don't know.

If so, then don't tell me to be happy.
You know

I'm surprised











my eyes haven't ran dry.







I'm surprised




I still have tears to cry.

I feel so empty
So sad
Everyone has left
Promises have been broken
I failed her
I hurt him
I disappointed them
I wish I had a way
To feel better about this
A little green plant
To make me feel okay.
But I'm all out.
I wish I had a way to fix
Everything.
But I can't
And I cry and cry
But it just doesn't seem to leave
This feeling.

I fought for you.
I've protected you.
I've encouraged you.
I've been there for you.
I've argued for you.
I've gotten hurt for you.
I've done things I'm not proud of

For you.

And I didn't want anything in return.
I didn’t want you to hurt for me.
To fight. To suffer.
I didn’t expect anything.
But I sure as hell didn’t think
You'd hurt me like this.

I love you
And good bye hurts
But I'm just hurting you
I'm dragging you down.
You say you'll die
Without me.
But I know that's a lie
I'm not that important
You'll forget me soon
And move on with your own life
Your better off
Believe it or not

Don't tell me you know what happened.
Don't tell me you believe her lies.
Her *******.
You tell me I'm wrong to hate her
But your wrong
You don't know what she did to us
You don't understand
And I'll keep warning you
Because once I was like you
I believed her lies
I hope to God
You never find out the truth
The way I did
But maybe if you did
You'd finally see
What I've seen,
What I see

Your better off without me
I'll just ruin you.
So I'm letting you go
It may hurt for awhile
But this good bye
Is for the best.
I hope you find happiness.

Hello Darkness,
I'm here again.
I left the light
For you.
For while the light is fleeting
You are forever lasting.
Always a reminder
that it is forbidden
To love
For who I love
I will hurt.
I've got nothing left to give.
Please fill my cracks and holes
With your loneliness
And bitterness
Speaker of my soul
And Whisperings of self hatred
Surround me with the voices
And remain with me
Like no one can.

I'm wasting away in my mind.
All I hear are the voices calling me
To the deeps of my lies,
To the ocean ties
Pulling me under
Drowning with screams consuming me
Whisperings in my ear
Their saying
Die you ******* Die
You ain't fit for this word.
And it's okay
Hells just a short distance from here.
I'll see you there.
I see the mirror and I see a mask
You see me and you see smiles.
But do you ever think that maybe
You don't really know
Who I am?

She stands in the circle of friends
Laughing
He walks down the hallways
Smiling

They go to lunch
And she pokes at the cardboard pizza
As she laughs at a joke made about her
And he pokes at his sandwich
As he smiles towards his friends teasing

They ride home on the bus
Keeping an eye on one another
While sharing goodbyes with friends

They exist the bus together
And excange the words
They had spoken only once before.
today?
today

Bro and sister walked towards their own personal hell
That no one knew of but them.

Later that night
Two souls made their way to freedom
Hand and hand
With the sound of gun shots.

the flowing tears of a screaming-
a screaming that binds your soul
unable to move
pinned to the spot
with heart tearing horror
the drops fall from opened wounds
eyes turned glassy
as if turned to mirrors-
mirrors that reflect back:
nothing