i think i'm going to die soon.
dad, why am i waking up at four in the morning wanting to die?
is there something wrong with me?
for i'm taking the moonlight shining in my bedroom as a sign that i belong up there.
guilt, shame, and embarrassment filled my lungs and i breathed the breath you called me "strong" for.
i sure as hell don't feel strong.
i feel like the universe loosened the noose.
i think i'm going to die soon.
maybe physical,
maybe spiritual.
it felt my head was being banged up against walls made of steel as i tried to find my reason and worth again.
i feel like i won't be here anymore.

I have worked very hard at keeping
My shame hidden, and wrapped up
With a neat little bow.
I am a professional at
Sweeping things under the rug,
With 29 years of experience.

Sometimes, when I forget to be careful,
Someone will remember it for me,
And Ill hear them say the words.
Multiple stab wounds.
If I keep that box tied as tight as possible,
If I pretend the past is not a thing,
And that I was born only 7 and a half months ago,
They can't catch me off guard.
Thats when it hurts the most,
When it comes from behind. Unexpectedly.

I had a dream
A little while back,

But it's been gnawing
And aching
And beating itself
Against my swimming (drowning) head,

Because in this dream
We were fighting
     (Like usual)
And I told you to
     "Be worse"
So I could stop missing you,
And time could remember
How to tick again

And you looked me in my eyes,
Through my eyes
And you screamed,
You told me you were trying your best.

Its in my blood
In my veins
In my brain

Feels good to feel insane
Feels good to feel laughter
For once.

Its in my heart.

Those pills i once popped.
Those who i once trusted,betrayed.
Couldn't pay em bills
Couldn't feel sane again.
Didn't wanna repeat the same mistakes as those who couldn't get home before 1.

Mama told me i wasnt made for that life. I begged to differ.
Now im indifferent.
Couldn't tell who was better.
The society i was being dragged into or the family who said they would stay.

Liquor drowned me
People crowded me
Knowledge left my senses.

you were never an artist.
I tied your hands behind your back,
placed a paintbrush between your teeth
and forced you to paint us a picture perfect dream.
the colour was never rich enough
and the sun never cast gold beams
in the direction we wanted them,
or as bright as they could have
if I just learnt to paint on my own.

In a second
In a second
In a second
In a second
I will leave you
But never because I want to
Only because there is a world outside
A world where delusions like you
Might crash and collide
With me
Somewhat surprisingly
The real life version
Of an alias without a secret identity

Oh, but my sweet delusion
The ships get lost in your eyes
In your stormy seas
And albeit somewhat hesitantly
I won't let myself be lost

Then a lawyer said, "But what of our Laws, master?"
And he answered:

You delight in laying down laws,
Yet you delight more in breaking them.
Like children playing by the ocean who build sand-towers with
  constancy and then destroy them with laughter.
But while you build your sand-towers the ocean brings more sand to the shore,
And when you destroy them, the ocean laughs with you.
Verily the ocean laughs always with the innocent.

But what of those to whom life is not an ocean, and man-made laws are
  not sand-towers,
But to whom life is a rock, and the law a chisel with which they
  would carve it in their own likeness?
What of the ******* who hates dancers?
What of the ox who loves his yoke and deems the elk and deer of the
  forest stray and vagrant things?
What of the old serpent who cannot shed his skin, and calls all
  others naked and shameless?
And of him who comes early to the wedding-feast, and when over-fed
  and tired goes his way saying that all feasts are violation and all
  feasters law-breakers?

What shall I say of these save that they too stand in the sunlight,
  but with their backs to the sun?
They see only their shadows, and their shadows are their laws.
And what is the sun to them but a caster of shadows?
And what is it to acknowledge the laws but to stoop down and trace
  their shadows upon the earth?

But you who walk facing the sun, what images drawn on the earth can hold you?
You who travel with the wind, what weathervane shall direct your course?
What man's law shall bind you if you break your yoke but upon no
  man's prison door?
What laws shall you fear if you dance but stumble against no man's
  iron chains?
And who is he that shall bring you to judgment if you tear off your
  garment yet leave it in no man's path?
People of Orphalese, you can muffle the drum, and you can loosen the
  strings of the lyre, but who shall command the skylark not to sing?

I am a kind word uttered and repeated
By the voice of Nature;
I am a star fallen from the
Blue tent upon the green carpet.
I am the daughter of the elements
With whom Winter conceived;
To whom Spring gave birth; I was
Reared in the lap of Summer and I
Slept in the bed of Autumn.


At dawn I unite with the breeze
To announce the coming of light;
At eventide I join the birds
In bidding the light farewell.


The plains are decorated with
My beautiful colors, and the air
Is scented with my fragrance.


As I embrace Slumber the eyes of
Night watch over me, and as I
Awaken I stare at the sun, which is
The only eye of the day.


I drink dew for wine, and hearken to
The voices of the birds, and dance
To the rhythmic swaying of the grass.


I am the lover's gift; I am the wedding wreath;
I am the memory of a moment of happiness;
I am the last gift of the living to the dead;
I am a part of joy and a part of sorrow.


But I look up high to see only the light,
And never look down to see my shadow.
This is wisdom which man must learn.