As I sit here consuming the evenings last few conscious thoughts,
It occurs to me that the thoughts in my heart do not match the way I talk.

I talk of kindness, care, and of love, And of putting everyone around me way above.

I think and feel that I could ****, at the slightest drop of a hat.
Normal people do not think like that.

Knowing what I am is the scariest of thoughts.
Knowing I’m undeserving is a feeling that I’ve caught.

The darkness that resides within me, consumes my every thought.
Yet I have the audacity to walk a kindly talk.
I have the bare faced cheek to ignore my darkest thoughts.

They are part of me I know, but I must not put them on show.
The darkness is my failing, nobody else needs to know.

Every morning I wake up early.
I hate getting up, but a lay in is just not for me.
While the others in the home sleep, my mind starts to race.
Out of this warm and cosy bed I get, and around the house I pace.
Before much time has passed boredom gets up and takes it’s terrible place.
The silence of the house is deafening, almost like its screaming in my face.
Every moment that passes by has all gone to waste.
If only I stayed in bed this morning, rather than evacuating with haste.
Maybe then I’d be less bored, or at least no longer be awake.
But here I am awake again, like the sun and I are in a race.
One day I’ll get to sleep in, and wouldn’t that be great?
To have a restful nights sleep may be just what I need.
But the universe has other ideas when it comes to me.
It wants anything and everything for me.
That is, of course, with the exception a good nights sleep.

The day I lost you, I also lost myself.
You and I stood on the edge of the abyss, and together we looked over.
With your hand in mine we fell in and never stopped falling.
Further and further into the infinite darkness we go.
On the day you died, I died too, I’ll never be able to let you go.
That moment consumes my every thought, it taints my every feeling.
We are forever falling into the darkness of the universe.
Destined to be swallowed up and never return.
Your hand in mine for eternity, my son and I indefinitely lost together.

We are all fallen,
For we are all weak.
As we travel through the ages,
It is wisdom we seek.
In ignorance we bathe,
And in darkness we stay.
We allow our blindness to mislead on this day.
For we are no better than we ever once were,
The illusion is comfort on this blue and green earth.
But fear not and rejoice, for all is not as it seems.
Because to change your own world, you just open your eyes and see.

If I told you my truths you’d run a mile
I’d be left feeling empty all the while
The truth about me is plain to see
For those interested in me.
I am what I am,
I feel what I feel
And I think what I think.
Do you really want to know?
Or is this just another attempt to feign care?
Do you really just want my attention?
Instead of my love and affection?
Do you know me?
I mean the real me, not just my outward facade?
Do you want to feel me?
Or do you just want me to feel you?
Am I really the monster I think I am?

Between you and I
There has been pain and struggle.
You say hurtful things but think I live in a bubble.
You run to him with your lies and expect me to accept it.
It hurts my feelings, it cuts me deep.
But nonetheless I try my best to provide you with what you need.
You need love and I give it in spades.
You need support and I hold it up like atlas.
You need consistency and I make sure that I remain unchanged.
But no matter what you still run to him.
You tell him lies about me to make home like you.
He’s your dad, I’d never get in the way of that.
But I love you kid, surely you know that?
I tell you my feelings don’t matter but really they do.
Every time you do this it cuts me in two.
But still you expect unwavering support.
He picks you up and drops you whenever it suits,
But still you insist on cutting me in two.

There are times in life when we all change
Nobody is born then stays the same.
Every single moment of every single day brings its own engine of change.
Who you are today is not the same as who your were yesterday.
Why fear change when it’s the only constant in your life?
Why fear difference when it’s the only thing we have in common in life?
Embrace the change,
Try not to stay the same.
Because the effort alone will drive you insane.
Constantly fighting the change will drive those you love away
And you’ll be left wondering why everyone changed.