I wake up and eat some eggs, a yogurt, and a few slices of melon
in an attempt to change my life
after all it is that or death
I won't hold my breath

It's a beautiful day to head to the mall
with a friend
I really know where this is going

Hmm
I like that shirt
Oops, this store doesn't offer plus size
On to the next..
I really like these jeans..
Forty five dollars for sizes sixteen and up
What a mess!

Since I refuse to let Lane Bryant **** my wallet in the ***
I decide to head to Barnes and Noble instead
I accidentally bumped into a lady and her baby stroller as I walked past and she mumbled
"Fat *****" under her breath
Yes that's what she said
I didn't even turn my head
Because that's what the lady said
and that's what society says
and instead of trying to explain it's just
easier to walk away
it's the self hatred after I dread

So I buy a whole pizza and eat the entire ******* thing
and it is beyond delicious
though the guilt I feel afterwards wasn't worth it
and vomitting that **** up was viscous

Even when I was a little girl I dreamed of being thin
I dreamed of being a model
I dreamed of having a flat tummy
Just to fit in
I didn't like the belly I had
or the fat in my cheeks
I was the only kid in gym that could never climb the rope
and that began a string of anxiety attacks
that would last for weeks

The doctor calls it insulin resistance
which leaves me with the inability to lose weight
but I shouldn't have to explain to anyone my condition
I just shouldn't have to explain
not to mention the ovarian disease that cripples me to my knees
which so happens to be genetic
and mimics the blood of a diabetic
leaving me incurable
a medical mystery
not to mention infertility
so for me
children are just a dream

Although I tell myself
that I am beautiful
and that I am intelligent
and that I am funny
and that I am a hard worker
and that I am successful
and that I am caring
and that I am loving
and that I am daring
and that I am the best **** friend a person could ever have
To a stranger I'm just a "fat *****"
and you know what?
That makes me really ******* sad

Insane?
Hallucinations and voices.
I think I’m seeing
Something now.
Look! There it is.
What?
You can’t see it?
No, I swear
I’m not insane.
It’s right there!
A little girl,
Black hair,
Victorian dress.
She’s looking at us,
From across the hall.
She’s mumbling something.
As she walks closer.
Where is she going?
I think she’s coming,
Towards us.
Wait!
Where did you go?
Please don’t leave!
Oh no,
The little girl.
She has a knife.
Please come back!
I need your help!
Where did you go?
You just disappeared.
The girl,
I can hear her now.
She’s mumbling about
Death
She’s lifting the knife.
Where are you?
I need you now.
She’s attacking me.
Now, everything’s growing
Blurry and dark.
All I feel is a searing pain
All over my body
You left though.
To save yourself.
You let her attack me.
I can’t stay awake
Any longer.
Why are the lights so bright?
I only closed my eyes for a minute
They claim I’m in the hospital
They think I tried to **** myself
I told them about you
And the girl
But they don’t believe me
Instead, they sent me away.
To a white rubber room
I have a special jacket
It lets me hug myself
They claim I’m insane.
Beyond repair.
They say you aren’t real
Nor, is the girl.
They say I have
Schizophrenia
But, you can prove them wrong.
Just introduce yourself.
I’ve tried to introduce you.
But, they all look at me,
With pity covering their features.
Please, just say hello.
Then, they’ll know, that you’re real.