I don't want to read any romance poetry

I will think of you

and that makes me angry and cry

I miss you and I shouldn't

I want you to reach out to me

but I know it won't happen

this I'm sure

I need to get over you

but I don't want to

I never did

I wanted to be with you

but you wanted her

It has been a while since I've written poetry here
and thats because I loved a boy
Who didn't love me

He was selfish
but I was selfless in loving him
and he took advantage of that
even if he wasn't really trying to

He made me a playlist of songs
romantic connotations and all
to speak his mind from what he's scared to say
But he didn't actually say the words
so I couldn't claim he had

Sometimes I wonder if it was all in my mind
or in my heart
was it even real for him at all?
I told him I didn't want to be a second choice
He said I wasn't
But then why are you still wanting the other girl that dumped you 6 months ago when you've been seeing me for 5?

Even now I am still writing poetry about him
and I don't know if he even thinks about me now
It has been 12 weeks since we've talked
But I've seen him in my dreams
I wish they were real
and my heartbreak was not

I always have high expectations for summer
Not sure why I allow myself to do this every year
Maybe it’s because I’m trying to leave the school year on campus
And escape the people who make me unhappy
But then I’m let down each summer by the people who are supposed to make me happy

This summer it was a boy who told me I wasn’t a second choice but then still wanted someone else
Last summer it was the high school friends who told me it would be forever but then still had a list of complaints on me

My birthday comes around in July and I’m reminded of when I was suicidal at 14
Because everyone forgot my birthday so clearly I shouldn’t have been born.
I wanted to quietly step off a pier and die on the rocks but my brother sitting beside me kept me grounded

The summer is coming to an end now and I’m terrified for school
I don’t want any high expectations and be let down
A perpetual cycle of being excited and let down over and over
And when I see the girls who pushed me to the side I hope that do not cower in fear
A new school year is dawning and the unknown is in front of me

This is what anxiety is like:
My stomach is in knots
My heart is beating fast but when I put my hand over my heart I can't feel it at all
I might throw up, I'm not sure
My brain can't focus on one subject, one thought
I feel like there is nothing to do nothing to say I give up
Too many thoughts and yet none at all
Tight chest and curdling stomach, which will get me first?
And this all happens... for no reason at all.

I think that I am needy
There I said it
I don't have what everyone else has
a boy that loves them and wants them
and I think I'm needy
because I want that
I want the Pam and Jim love story
the Me before You story
the Meredith and Derek story
Is that so much to ask for?
It must be.
I say that there is someone for everyone
but when am I going to start believing it?
It seems so easy for everyone else,
to love and be loved, so quickly finding someone
but here I am chasing a boy who may not want me
and I convince myself he does
What if he doesn't?
Have I wasted my time?
When did I start measuring my worth
upon how far I have gone with a man?
And when someone else
who is much __(er) than me
gets with a guy,
I feel like there must be something really wrong with me.
When did women become each other's competition?
When did I start being so harsh to myself?
I know what I want, truly, from a man
and I think I'm needy because I have standards and expectations
I want to be desired and loved and wanted
I needy for it and I hate myself for it

i want to be enough
i want to be more than enough
i want
to be every star in the sky
and i want
to be the sky
i want to feel like more
more than just one person
more
than i am
more than i’m trying to be
i don’t want to get lost
in the silence of my own mind
i don’t want to be small
and soft
and maybe-broken
i want to be enough