All my life I've been told
How to act and how to think
What to do and who to be

"Don't use those words"
"Don't stay out late"
"You should have fun!
Just not that way"
"Keep your grades up"
"Keep your laugh down"
"But whoever told you
you should frown?"

I've always been good
I did as I was told
I never misbehaved
But now I'm growing old
My youth is passing by me
And how have I spent it?
Obedient - I'm seeing it
Never the miscreant
But always the misfit

"Don't talk back"
"Don't disagree"
Can't you see
your words are hurting me?
"Honey, I always wanted the best for you"
Then why don't you let my real self
shine on through?

Never had any friends
and you ask me why?
How am I supposed to blend
when you never even let me try?
But that doesn't matter
it's not what I want
What I want is out there
and you keep me locked up
But it all ends now
though you still ask how -
how did this happen?
Why did I change?
Well now I'm here to tell you
I broke out from my cage
All these
Obligations
Frustrations
Condemnations
Aggravations
Your fixations
and my deprivations
They're done now cause can't you see?
From this day on
I'm doing me.

They all went and they passed.
They were my blessings,
lessons
saviors
and my downfalls too.
They gave me
calmness and happiness,
before putting me straight in
the eye of the hurricane.
They gave me a lot to remember,
those who came before you.
They were a lot of things,
but there's one thing
they never were.

And now, you are my heart,
my soul,
my peace,
a part of my dreams.
You are my laughter
and my tears.
You are the songs that I sing
and the words that I bleed.
You are my weakness
and my greatest strength.
But the most important thing
that you are,
that no one ever was before -

You are my home.

Today is better than last night for now the delicate cords held within my throat do not refuse air its  passage through them for anything more than the oxygen it carries even though all I was wanting to do was scream.

Today is better than last night for now my sight is clear - free of the tears which could not fall due to the dam I built too high and too well who's retribution was to refract my guiding lights into nonsensical shapes which could offer no comfort.
                                                        ­  
Today is better than last night for now the sharp daggers of keratin are not biting at my skin frantically trying to purify me of this rotting flesh which coats my bones,  and my mind is past   not being able to wrap its tendrils about the idea of people possibly loving this wretched creature I have become... Or perhaps it did wrap around that fragile concept but instead of absorbing it those vines of the rose garden of my mind stayed true to form and grew thorns to pierce and tear at the idea like my nails once did to this alabaster canvas while holding as tightly as doubt sometimes holds my lungs keeping me from breathing,  but this concept is more breakable then my lungs... And so it was crushed into stardust.  The same stardust that comprises or bodies because every element of our bodies is created within our guiding lights we wish upon. And I see that sparkle of stardust every day in each of your eyes. I see it in everyone's eyes.. except my own... And  it makes me wonder if maybe dad was right and some people are just made of a different type of dust.  A dust comprised from the ashes of hell itself which will forever smolder but never more catch aflame... The ashes filed with the agonies of those souls which lost themselves in the madness and feel into the eternal night.

Day after day
I find myself wasting away.
I never wanted to be back here..
Here. Living in constant fear
Of the blade that draws blood
And the steaming water that sears.

I promised to leave them behind,
But sometimes it just seems the more kind.
Because at least that way I stay silent
At least this way I don't become violent
And hurt those I love..
It's time to begin praying again for the stars to fall into alignment.

It's time to start praying to a god that doesn't exist
That I will stop finding a blade pressed to my wrist.
I miss the days where everything wasn't wrong.
I miss the days where I was actually strong.
Those days were a salve to all the open wounds
But now those days are once again gone and all I can do is lose myself in a song...

So please if you're somewhere that is full of light.
Never let that place go even if you have to fight.
I lost sight of my haven a long time ago..
And found myself lost in this dark place of woe.
And every day I keep fighting not to sink into that dim place,
But more times then not I find myself just wanting to let go.