You are like shards
Of broken glass
That I am still picking out of my skin.

Everytime I think you're gone,
I shift a little
And feel more pieces of you
Working their way in.

I'm either clinging to you
Like velcro
Or farther away sitting next to you
Than if I were on the other side of the planet.

I'm either rambling on
About nothing but also everything
Or I don't utter a single word
Sitting in the background chewing my fingers.

I either want you to know me,
My every thought and whim
Or to know absolutely nothing of me
Like I nevee even existed.

I'm all in
Or you never really had me.

You are either god
Or you are the devil.

There is nothing in between.

I never really grasped what grey meant.

The only part of my day
That I look forward to
Is when I go to bed
And lay there making up scenarios
In my head.

I think of comebacks
To 8th grade bullies.
I think of witty retorts
To my mother's snide comments.
I think of intelligent things to add
To conversations I had months ago.

I think of all the things
I was too scared to say.

And in my mind
I say them.
And pretend how things would be different
If only I had the courage to speak.

I don't want you
But I want you to want me
To be stuck in a grey limbo
Pineing for me for all eternity.

I don't want you
But I want to haunt you
Like a wraith
Constantly reminding you of every last touch.

I don't want you
But I want to be the voice in your head
Whispering reminisions
Of everything you will never have again.

I don't want you
But I sure as hell don't want
Anyone else to have you.

And one day,
Things didnt seem
So bad anymore.

Nothing really changed,
But there was a sparkle of light
Peaking through the perpetual gray clouds.

The silver linings
Were surrounding the darkness.

My whole world,
A little less dark
A little less gloomy.

But if nothing really changed,
How could anything get better?

Maybe I just got used to it.

I will always regret
Not knowing better
When I was young.

I should have spent
More time
Creating myself.

Instead, I learned
To define myself
Through other people.

Now, in my old age
I have finally gained the wisdom
To know I wasted my life.

I wasted my life not creating a life
And I'll never be a real person.

Sometimes, it is just too late.