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Derrek Estrella Oct 2018
As I fly amongst all monsters and men
With the former being the common kind
I find my sanctum inside an oak tree
Quite tall to see a world, not too blind

In nations across, a nation below
Wars are waged, men are hung
As sinful a woman would wait and sow
For their husband in pieces, because I have sung

"What song do you speak?" asks the eager fool
Fair and serene, as my song's painted grey
Not black, nor white, nor prejudiced tool
I trickle innocence, fall asleep towards May

I don't move as leaves fall, dead bark will suffice
As a cold, bitter home, though not quite as your hearts
That would feel content when it treats one as mice
For now they are small, and thus chewed apart

For their colour? Their kin? Their wellness? Their faith?
I've flown above beauty in some diverse place
For naivety or luck, I cannot quite fathom
Why this nation of pastures should spit on one race

A race, so beautiful but starving
For food and water, in a time not so kind
But the poor in the pockets are so rich in the heart
To beg for acceptance, but justice is blind

Blind justice, you say, is blind to colour
Blind justice, I say, is blind to a heart
Of a land of the "free", of one democracy
But in which fair acceptance will indeed, never start

I flew in a town of monsters and men
I bother only with the former kind
The good men were hung, under soil or cement
My innocence, shot by metal led blind


Nature doesn't change, pastures stay green
Nature doesn't change, humans stay green

Fly, youth, Fly
Cry, innocence, Cry
Die, bird, Die
144 · Mar 2020
Bright Shy Night
Derrek Estrella Mar 2020
The shyness of the night
Laid still by fright
How lonely you must be
To crave that tired eternity
So impervious it is
That impermanence, bliss
Dots of haggard attitude
In place of solemn gratitude
Pray you are sick
For the hound’s wet lick
Will find you, haunt you
Until that emotion blue
Is uttered from your tooth
So rough, this youth
Which seeks beauty
In the light of shame
And vicarious fame
Through the network
Of many a hollow name
Engulfed in shallow flame
In light of the world's unfolding.
144 · Mar 2020
Master/Slave
Derrek Estrella Mar 2020
In every master, I see a slave to ambition.
142 · Feb 2020
Your Dreams May be Cruel
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
If your dreams bring you unrequited awe, do not cry.
For neither do they.
141 · Apr 2020
Manifestations
Derrek Estrella Apr 2020
This is not honest work.
We must lie, deceive, embellish, thieve.
But are they not all the more enchanted by it?
Do not fool yourself with this sense of honesty.
Instead, trade that in for earnesty.
140 · Feb 2020
Marabout
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
A Muslim hermit or monk.
- Also: a shrine marking the burial place of said Muslim hermit or monk.

How curious, to have your occupation and burial place share the same name. It provokes a sense of steadfast devotion to oneself and the One they serve. The painter’s grave, The Painter. You are your death, you are everything you touch. That is an idea to make amends with as the world loses its grip on the person; affirmation through reconciliation. Made by all that precedes you, all that succeeds you. There is no dread to be found on this note, realize that. your name will commemorate your life; your death will be given breath. A serendipitous thing. I would like to be a marabout to music, the world, all that can see me. To offer myself so that I may remember myself, and that they may be touched and inspired by me.
139 · May 2020
Cibel
Derrek Estrella May 2020
Cibel, the soft child
In my hands; small, still, lifeless
My son, my sorrow
My most paintful dream of recent memory.
138 · Feb 2019
Encumbrance
Derrek Estrella Feb 2019
My shoulders are so heavy
With overarching pain
All gone, far gone
Carnivorous memory
Bronze chandeliers in the old home
Foreign tea with the circus Baron
Seething with forgotten blood
Strained from anemic bones
138 · Mar 2019
Swallowed
Derrek Estrella Mar 2019
When you're small
You're hard to see and easy to swallow
Derrek Estrella May 2020
I forgot to learn your tongue
Before we sank into bed
I will learn your song well
By touching it instead
133 · Feb 2020
O, Fateless Chasseur
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
This man is a whirlwind, unwilling to be bent or crafted, instead shifting all by his vicious lonesome.
133 · Feb 2020
Reach the Method
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
Deprive oneself of common senses in favour of something beyond.
132 · Oct 2018
I Dread This Soil
Derrek Estrella Oct 2018
Oh, dread dread dread Drella dread
All I do is dread
This climate’s ******
Dread dread dread
I must only dread
And dread only for the human

My ancestors can scream
They, being right in doing so
Are stroked and adored
Everybody dreads in shades of blue
What can I be if I dread too?
The idea is sore, oh so sore

Dread dread dread
This era dreads and is dreaded
I see life, I don’t taste it
Dread dread dread
All we may do is dread
Nothing to be said

But words of the fed
The led
The wed
The dead
Dread
131 · May 2020
One Lucid Night
Derrek Estrella May 2020
In one breath, now
Lucidity takes hold
As the night in all its restless soul
Awakens from wicked slumber
And I, privy to the noise of nothing
Where every muted moan reaches out
And leaves scars on the skin
I dream of the car screeches
Stopping, loading a magazine
Releasing itself unto me
A burst of harsh light
And the noise of bullets
That could so easily meet me
As I sit, on the porch
Breathing in- letting out smoke
With my pants suffocating the waist
Purple the *****
Stiff the finger
I hear that violent, quiet thing
Sounds like a ringing tingle
Reverberate so cold
From some placeless footstep
A new kind of constriction
In the night's endless fiction
125 · Apr 2020
The Narrow Scope
Derrek Estrella Apr 2020
To seek the narrow scope
Of ancient tongue
And forlorn script
Wherein beauty held science
And love conquered skin
In spite of dismal truth
That senile surrender
Let the stars be swallowed
Whole by the sun
Let that awe surround
And in time, confound
The sons and daughters
Of logic unknown yet
For fear of forgetting
The marvellous, vacuous beauty
That encircled your eye
122 · May 2019
Near
Derrek Estrella May 2019
That wasn't as painful as I thought it'd be
It all came quite easily
Nice to lie here
On the cusp of oblivion
Simplicity
This doesn't hurt
I don't believe it
Liberation
I feel young and naive again
If only, if only
I'll relapse, surely
I'll feel this again
I'll hurt someone new
Bound to, bound to
But currently, there is no pain
What a shame
120 · Feb 2020
Only Intertwined
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
When staring at my skin
From your soft distance
Be sure to ask yourself this:
How much life do we have left between us?
119 · Oct 2018
Reciprocance
Derrek Estrella Oct 2018
Breathe again
We want you to breathe again
Acquiesce into our please for life
Your life

Never regress
Into the sick and standard mind
Breathe again
We want you to see again

Breathe again
Spark your mind on dopamine sticks
Just look and taste the eye
And rest to find the sky

Do not be sure
Of the temporal gust of life
Touch your brow
And withdraw from your grievances

Cry again
Learn to be human for a time
Love again
We just want you to function

Lead our way
Ignore your birthing days
114 · Apr 2020
The Damned Call
Derrek Estrella Apr 2020
I will not take any paltry substitute for the life I wish to lead. Should I be engulfed in the flame of ire and filth, I will immerse myself in it and let it resound in my ill craft.

Through thought and folly, all of my being is true.
Within this year, my crimes will be of my own volition.
Of dire essence, I will serve and be filled by misfortune.
113 · Jul 2019
Our Memento
Derrek Estrella Jul 2019
Farewell!
We’ve tried all we can
Now, it’s time to go
The sky is grainy
The clouds
Impenetrable
Don’t worry
We can’t be stopped
On this hill
Until we tumble down
Again and again
Like boulders
Small kings
Restless queens
May we be redeemed
Amen
And no sooner had we ceased than this breath was finished.
112 · Feb 2020
Little Crooked Lola
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
O, Lola, where did you go?
What has time done to us?
Where did the lust find itself,
Be it our skull or vines
All this useless ambition
Suppose I am a simple fool
For you have escaped me
And yourself
All well and fast
Between our hollow hands
Cruelty remains
The abuse of such blessed love
And crooked ire
Now, sorry devotion
And ill fornication
Delouse our forgotten beds
In agonizing honey
As the finite pain
And debauchery befalls us
Could we die together
Slowly, once again?
112 · Mar 2020
A Dream About Father
Derrek Estrella Mar 2020
Father
Glass eyes, brass tongue
He told me the truth
That I am
Sniveling
Unkind
Weak
Foolish
Frail
Callous
Complacent
Conceit­ed
Hideous
Inadequate
Useless

So, I
Laid him down
On the cherry floor
And proceeded to
Stomp his neck
Gouge his eyes
Gnaw his ear
Slam his head
Until both men were left
Very dead, dead, dead
I am left shocked and repulsed
By my most recent dream
111 · Nov 2018
Remainders of Love's Table
Derrek Estrella Nov 2018
My thoughts have become excruciatingly apparent, achingly transparent. The soil-scanned pores are presented in all their vainglory. To my eyes, I am left stifled and cruel, undeserving of the fruits of my godless labour.

Don’t have a laugh now, ******. This is no entry of any sort, nor am I looking for divine affirmation in the ink that I lay down. My umbilical cord to the heavens is severe  and grotesque, buried under the soot of history’s accords (abandoned scripts, all they are).

This room is cold but I am not, you see? I used to be the stoic; the unabashed abuser of generosity. My shoulder used to hold seven reigns by its lonesome. I should do so well to be fragile, much like I am now. Is it not easier to love this way? Parsimonious as my kindness may be, is it not so pure at the moment? I believe I love, greater than I ever have before.

I should. I shall not sacrifice the gilded mechanisms inside my head for love, no. Perhaps I will love, though superficially. However facetious my care is, is that not what love is portrayed to be? A lover is soon made a loser, for their misfortune or complacence. Stay my hand, dear. Do not let me morph into that lover for you. We do not deserve such a prognosis, not even the thought of one.
110 · Mar 2020
The Blank Tomorrow
Derrek Estrella Mar 2020
One day
I'd like to become that brief flash in the image
A visage, so cloud-like
The fleeting document of motion
That unmistakeable force
Of pure devotion
Where my hair, lit ablaze
By the eyes of hazy light
Painted by hard trails
Of smoke within the night
The Macedonian head
That had the nerve
This uncompromising nerve
To step on the shoulders of others
While whittling his own
I will be a figure
That stands loud, not tall
And allows the pangs of life
To coil around his neck
And throw him far
Into the lawless salvation
Of the blank tomorrow
109 · Oct 2018
Tree Thatcher
Derrek Estrella Oct 2018
No one to take heed
Just wait, for I’m too far along
My time is fleeting
In a cascade that longs
No one’s up here anymore
There’s no leaves to hide the storm
Everyone here has their hides
I never had the time to grow mine

Don’t leave man, don’t leave ma
I’m not obliged to act my best
Don’t leave man, don’t go ma
I’m not ready for your God’s test

No one here that thinks
Perhaps I’m far too low
Indulging in my stature
Yet forced into a thatcher
No one offers a coat
I must know myself by rote
I mean, I really do believe
That I’m almost sure to stay

Perhaps there’s a choice
Too high to see the way

Don’t leave man, don’t leave ma
I’m not ready to act my best
Don’t leave man, don’t leave ma
I’m not ready for God’s test

I think I’m awful cruel
To choose who I can love
I’m the greatest fool
I’ve never seen what lingers above

Someone ought to be
Farther gone than me
Perhaps they can show me
What’s yet to be seen

God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
God ought to help
109 · Oct 2018
A Fundamental Grasping
Derrek Estrella Oct 2018
What would I be without my face?
Beautiful
What would I be if I was suspended in the air?
Free
What if I am bound by a noose?
I am of the people
What if I cannot move?
I am a monument
What of my father, my mother?
They will remember me
What of my riches?
They will crumble into human hands
What resides within this house?
Support beams
What resides within this mind?
A self-mutilating home
Where is the concrete in the eye?
Evaporated within an institution
Where is the adhesive in the hand?
Eviscerated by intuition
Who is the soul that carries this paper?
That holds no weight, like the act of breathing
105 · Feb 2020
Three Sturdy Notes
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
The fool wastes none of their time when they speak their nonsense. It is the suit who hides their head in anger and shame for the minutes they had wasted. Be like the fool; know what interests you, speak freely of your desires, and treat your attention as a commodity.


Speak not with your mind but instead, with your mouth. Learn to tether the two and treat the mouth as the anvil and the mind as the arm. No iron will be molded by that arm, but no contact will be made without it.
Your mouth is your tool.
Your mind, the weapon.
Know the difference.


Hold back the urge, but don’t close your eyes. Anything but that void, do not sink into it. You must learn how to maintain yourself. Know what must be oiled, what must be strained, what must be loved, what must be left well alone.
99 · Jun 2019
Universal Tree
Derrek Estrella Jun 2019
I'm like a flea
Over a pigsty
Or a barge
Over the starsea
I'd weep to be
Found in a grapevine
Instead, I'll merge
With a universal tree
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
Suppose that everlasting door will not wait; that it will pack its bags and don a new license plate.
What then?
Derrek Estrella Mar 2020
I miss the happiest things
From the worst of people
And there, suffering
From a terrible delight

Day, oh die
So idle, I
Live in stranger shoes
In another caboose

So soft, they are
Yet never feeble
I dream to lay
With the kindred people
And you will not listen, for you cannot hear me.
89 · Feb 2020
My Virile Hour
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
Carnal love
Take me now!
I am fit for duty
And purpose most high
To be made use of
In my virile hour
My glorious light
For I, useless otherwise
A trembling husk
Of unkempt desire
88 · Feb 2020
Well Said
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
Remember this: if it has been forgotten, then it was well said and is now well dead.
86 · Feb 2020
Regarding Your Work
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
If it comes from nowhere in particular, let that be good enough.
85 · Nov 2018
Transparent Adjustments
Derrek Estrella Nov 2018
Wish I had glowing skin
Wish I had eyes-a-blue
Wish to be an Aryan
Do you want to love me too?
You

Wish I had growing pains
Wish I had sulfur gowns
Wish I could feel the same
As others all around
Me
83 · Feb 2020
An Empty Space for You
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
There's always an empty space somewhere
For your mind and your tongue
Untouched and ******
Waiting to be sung
80 · Oct 2018
Pond of Devotees
Derrek Estrella Oct 2018
Govern me, Lily
Covet me slowly
I have nothing to uphold
Just my own soles

It’s better to never believe
In improvidence
I sit on the cusp of eternity
And lost parlance
78 · Feb 2020
Bound Blind
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
One day, there will be nothing left to find
And you will rest uneasy 'till the end of time
73 · Feb 2020
It is Time
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
It is time to move past what made you, most of the time.
73 · Feb 2020
Euphoric?
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
And ripped from immaculate dreams
Are the abhorrent beasts that haunt me
And they grossly linger far longer
Than the euphoria that taunts me
64 · Jan 2020
Age the Ailing Favour
Derrek Estrella Jan 2020
Age does no one any favours
So why not refuse it?
Why not denounce your saviour
As sound and music?
For the end promises nothing more than hate
And bitter, ornate grapes
Forced onto cascading tongues with tape
What encumbered apes we are
To drive our cars
Into the stalls of beauty
Thinking they are complete
While we are replete
With that hollow feeling
Frothing, frothing
63 · Oct 2018
Plaques
Derrek Estrella Oct 2018
The plaques have realized
That degrees aren’t built for learning
They’re pleased to be earning
There’s no point in yearning
If your mind’s quickly burning
63 · Feb 2020
In My Terrible Light
Derrek Estrella Feb 2020
As the rage builds
And froths and bubbles
It meets a point or two
A threshold of guilt
Of ever holding it in
And for the release
It is sighed as sadnees
And nothing more
And is so much less
Than its primal state
I am left diluted
And neutered
So useless
Even in my most terrible light

— The End —