(Guilty Reminiscing)

POP
This bottle should do the trick,
Holding my nose tightly as I swim into this.
Thinking of all the moments that created who I am
Wondering if I can finally talk to you through this pen...
These walls are caving me, these chains are straining me
Give me all your love but understand there is no change in me
A leopards spots never change and my mind is so insane
"I Hate you" "I Hate you"
Every past woman looks at me to blame.
Where have I gone? Where do I stay?
Is the inability to be with one woman all part of my dooms day?
To play with a tarnished heart and simply forget a name
To say your "one of a kind" to every girl the same
I'm not a dog but I'm constantly on a short lease
And tell men to practice but never practice what I preach
HYPOCRITE!!
yes. Yes. I'm a hypocrite
But these are internal emotions that I'm dealing with
Cut my heart
Watch it bleed
I beg you girl
Just trust in me
The past is *****
Let's both make it clean
I see so much in you
Do you see anything in me?

(Dozing off)
(Her POV through spiritual thinking)

"She can't take the way I stare at her face and wishes she could understand why the love I show is fake as she stands up to speak but loses her breath and forgets her place, her place inside my heart where it's cold like graveyard stakes. She shakes and shakes as she steps slowly with caution and refuses to give her devotion as she slips into my soul and drowns in her tears of lost emotions. Terrified to repeat what it is lousy men seek...a stranded, lonely heart that savage men so reap. She stares into my eyes and softly starts to speak..."

But Silence.

(Falls asleep)

Baby, I can't hear you...
Come to me...walk to me...sing to me...talk to me!
I believe in you
Have faith in me.
I'll be right here
I'll change my ways
I'll cut off my ego
Release my chains
Watch a love grow
Nurture and care
We've both been hurt
Shall we compare?
My past still speaks
Hear it over my shoulder
All those memories
Promise are over.
Let's ring the bell
See you in a dress
Hand in hand
Chest to chest

I'm sorry.

Please forgive...

Life is nothing
Without you to live
Let's take our time
Watch things go slow
Throw up our affection
Look as it glows
Trickles down
Down to your nose

I'm sorry baby..

(Wakes up)

This was all an illusion
She made up her mind
Here is my conclusion
Be careful with actions
Re-RIGHT your wrongs
Because one day you'll wake up
And it'll all be gone.
I write this to you.
Not a poem nor song
I'm just writing to you
...

Because it's been so long.

Hope you're well.

1970
He sat next to me in Junior school
when I was just a little girl.
Always so sweet to me
I really liked him…
well ….
no much more than that.

1974
At middle school
he carried my books
home from school.
we became best friend's.

1979
At high school
I gave him my pin
he gave me
his friendship ring.
he was my date
for the prom.

1983
we both went away
to college together.
I was lonely and slipped
into his bed he held me safe.
we broke the chains of friendship.
And he became my lover.
my one and only lover.

1988
We married young.
Our  parents were
not surprised.
They were expecting it.

1994
we have three kids now
two girls and a boy.
Our son looks just like him.
when we first met
so long ago.

September 10 2001
He came home from work
just like any other day.
Put burgers on the barbeque.
We got the kids to bed
had a glass of wine.
And went to bed at Ten.
He wanted me
but I was exhausted
the kids had been terrors all day.

September 11 2001

he left early for work
with a cheek kiss
and a see you later Honey.
The kids went to school
I poured a coffee
the phone rang it was my
best friend.
Have you seen the news
she said.?
I put on the TV.
the towers fell to ashes
as did my life at that moment.
No tears came
All I could think was
I wish
I had made love to him last night.

September 11 2015
The kids are all grown now.
he would be so proud of them.
Our son looks just like him.
We all stand
at ground zero
and say a prayer.
I whisper
it was you honey
always you.
He answered me.
At that moment
a huge arc of a rainbow
circled the sky over NewYork.
And I know for sure.
It was for me.

Our bodies are poetry
from soft to smooth to hard
our bodies are poetry
freckled, shaped and scarred

Our mouths are dancers
unchoreographed, with memory
our fingers are virgins
gentle and trembling

Our eyes, are passerbys
our noses, cuddling cubs
our arms, reconnecting friends
our knees buckle with every touch

Our bodies are poetry
fitting into every groove
our bodies are poetry
from hard to soft to smooth

At one moment, your depression is telling you that you don't care what happens. Then the next moment, your anxiety is screaming and clawing at you to do something. Having depression and anxiety is a constant war inside of yourself. Though, there are no winners.

I've been avoiding writing
like your eyes on Saturday night,
because how do I tell you
that I'll miss you when you're gone
and admit to myself
that it might not be a big deal?

I am not scared
that my heart will stop beating
but that yours will seek
the warmth of someone else.

I cannot say this is what I want
even though I am certain
this is what you need.

This is not heartbreak.

No,
this is something different
and I'm not quite sure what it's called.

step into my office, take a seat
come talk to me
tell me about your disease
your anxiety and your shaky knees
your addiction to drugs
even in your dreams

I'm the best at what I do and I know it

i see
i hear
i mend you
help you heal
your pain and agony
but what if i told you
a secret
one guaranteed to lead you
straight back under black's blanket

                                                        i'm a fiend                
                               i get my fix all day for free
       in fact, i get checks made out in my name
                    the more i use, the more i'm paid

I am the best at what I do and I do know it

i do see
i do hear
i do mend you and
help you heal
but what i don’t do is
feel.
that's why once i help you and i see
you sober and well and clean

i will break you and watch you bleed
you will feed my sadistic disease

that could be you if you were
me
a sociopath
too smart for streets or pharmacies
so inhumane
enough so to fiend
for a scot-and-drug-free DOC
for
your pain and agony.

- end