Righty loosely
Lefty tightly
Oh no, wait!
That's not righty

So I sit in the bathtub,
as the shower head above me
sends water hitting up against
my back
my shoulders
my long brown hair...
it occurs to me
that the water
that was once trickling
down my spine
is now circling the drain;
flowing so effortlessly away.
It reminds me
that everything is temporary.
That soon one day
the pain,
the hurt,
the agony,
and the sadness
that I am feeling
will circle the drain too;
and I will be
okay again.

I'm sick of pretending like everything's okay,
with the war going on inside my head.
I'm tired of  trying,
to be normal.
While things are falling apart.
I'm tired of hoping,
you see behind my smiles and laughter.
And just once see my broken spirit and lost soul.
I'm tired of coping,
with something I can't.
When every thought and every breath is a war,
a war I'm not winning anymore.
I'm tired of existing,
can't I just disappear.
Take a break from the loneliness and pain.
I'm tired of breathing,
when actually I'm drowning.
While everyone else around me isn't.
I'm tired of living,
when I'm already dead on the inside.
Maybe life isn't for everyone.

I've painted with insomnia,
with love, heartache, and worry.
I've brushed strokes with infectious apathy,
or at least what I believed it to be.
But my eyes are out of color now,
scraped blank with shaking hands.
Wilted with dusty jaded cries,
empty paint cans stare, blinking, at the sky,
Wandering, waiting
for anything to ignite the stars again.