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Bartholomew Sep 2018
I smiled today....
I smiled today because I remembered your smile. How infectious it was like a plague but was able to cure a sickness, a smile that came with a glow in your eyez.
A smile that was contagious and was guaranteed to make me or others smile. A smile that was a sight for sore eyez.

I laughed today....
I laughed today because I remembered how your laugh sounded, how it was music to my ears in a uncontrollable hysterical sense.
To the point where our faces turned red while holding our sides so our ribs don't split.
How your laughter echoed in a room as the sound was intertwined with mine.
And how such laughter was filled with happiness and joy for that timeless moment in time.

I frowned today....
I frowned today because now all I have is the memory of your smile.
I time travel in my thoughts searching for that sight and realize how life is so fragile.
I don't see it physically, I can only see it with my eyez closed.
Hoping that I never forget how it looks as my memory fades when I grow old.

I cried today....
I cried today because your laughter can no longer beat my ear drum.
I can no longer hear the vibrations of your voice, I now have to imagine the sound of your laughter because you’re gone and no longer to hear from.
I cried today and those tears were lead from a frown.
Remembering how your laughter was hysterical made me cry hysterically cuz I can no longer hear that sound.

But..... Today, I smiled.
I smiled today because of you and it's been a while....
To my little brother Andre. I miss you everyday. It hasn’t gotten any easier. I cry most of the time but today I smiled. RestEazyDreezy
Bartholomew Sep 2018
My friends adore this fearlessness that I’ve acquired
Or is this a facade that I’ve mastered?
I may not have any phobias of flight or height nor am I afraid of monsters and demons in the closet or under the bed.

I fear that I may disappoint or fear that I cannot protect my loved ones.

I fear what I’m capable of and or doing.

But I’m afraid to love; whole heartedly.
I’m afraid to share my deepest darkest secrets then have them used against me.

But my biggest fear of all....
I’m afraid of someone loving me and finding me beautiful.....
I’m afraid that one day the inevitability will come thanks to time and that, that “someone” will hate me and see what they once thought was beautiful is now hideous in their eyez.

The beauty that they once gazed upon in my soul has now become ugly and that frightens me the most.

Fearless? Nah, I’m only human, wishing I had less fear or the ability to fear less....
Bartholomew Sep 2018
I have dreams of chaotic things, visions of blood and gore
Can’t seem to get this madness outside of my mind, afraid to close my eyes anymore.
The carnage that is produced from my imagination is somewhat related to my reality; because I’m living in hell.
The evils that men do motivates me to alwayz do the right thing well.
I’m supposed to be a protector, I run towards the chaos while others are fleein’
But who is supposed to help me with my demons?
I see ghost when I’m awake and monsters in this caged cell called my thoughts.
Even my day dreams aren’t safe to endure.
Paranoia has left me sick without a cough.
Insomnia seems to be the cure.
I have nightmares......
I wake up,
I’m shook up,
I look up,
I say “****!”
Drenched in cold sweat as I reach for my loaded arm for safety, my point forty five
The death I’ve seen comes back in my dreams at night........
It’s morning, time to shake it off because I have a duty to uphold to others....
Protect them from their nightmares
Inspiration: my dreams
  Sep 2018 Bartholomew
Renee
1.
I am drawn to you
stealing glances across rooms
Pray you notice me

2.
I’m drawn into you
You are staining me like ink
The stars brought us here

3.
I am drawn to you
like a curtain, blank-faced stares
all we’re sharing now
Bartholomew Sep 2018
Every morning I would hear the metal wheels grind against the rails as the garage door opened
Leave for school as you were under the hood staring at horse power repairing every engine that was broken

Returned home and now you’re underneath a different car, your face blackened from the dirt, oil and debris
And at night sometimes I’d hold the flashlight for you, pointing the light at the wrong spots of the engine, I’d help to some degree

Rarely spoke but wrenches clanked, ratchets ticked, screws and bolts rattled and power tools revved
It’s the language that I never understood but it’s the language I know you’ve said

The garage doors would close, I’d smell the scent of Mary Jane coming from your room, swear the odor was limitless
Then I would hear the rifts and solos from the guitar strings that were plucked by your fingertips

Life as a grease monkey and a rockstar but you loved every second of it, you love everything you do
I wish one day I could find my own love and become something just like you

I see why my mother loves you

You called me your son though we’re not blood I swear I miss you in every way
You’ve alwayz told me to look out for my sister and to protect her everyday

Happy birthday
To my step father; rock in paradise

09/21/64 - 01/01/18
Bartholomew Sep 2018
Started off Exchanging numbers we crossed paths like a X
Exactly when I Examined you, I knew you ain’t like the rest
Now shawty was so Exquisite, something I ain’t Expect
I thought girls like you Existed at the type of Expense
Can’t say our fires Extinguished, yet can’t deal with the stress
I can’t deal with Expulsion, I can’t deal with Exempt
Can’t Explain with Examples, no words to Express
Excuse my Explicit lyrics but I want you so **** all the rest
I wanted to Exceed my Excursion with you without no Excess
I Exclaimed “**** love!” Exactly when you left
Now I must Extricate, I must confess
Don’t show it Externally but I feel it up in my chest
And it ain’t even bout the ***, I could get it from the next
I just don’t wanna leave having something I will regret
Its just......
I’m still in love with my Ex
(Inspiration; To Audasha; this ones for you kid)
Bartholomew Sep 2018
Can anyone hear me?
No? Because I’m crying inside
Why does everyone fear me?
But in actuality I’m dying inside
My hearts holds a burden
Of trying to save everyone
I show strength but behind closed curtains
I bare weakness with no one to save me from

Does anyone hear me??
Can someone please answer me
My soul feels so weary
I’ve come to the state of panicking
I surround myself with people who don’t listen
but yet feel like I’m in isolation
Sometimes I feel like I’m in a prison
Though life is the one in violation

Is anyone there?
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