I have hatred for  the way I FEEL
Yet without this towering misery over me, I wouldn't know how to HEAL.
I wouldn't have  searched out and brought light into finding myself, me.
I would have kept seeking for unconditional love in someone else, like yourself, you.
When really i need to stop loving myself conditionally, cause these wounds sting.
I need to devote to loving ME.
Yes me.
So yes, yes, I AGREE, I need to learn, but can't you SEE how this COULD BE distressing...
Like how the **** did SHE and how the hell did HE,
Belittling myself out of confidence,
and
Over thinking into depression.
yet I know I'm worth more than this, I get it, no im not a failure I get it. But as luck would HAVE IT, my mind has a go AT IT, and discovers a sensitive spot for it to pick at it.

**** this place.

I'm frozen from love here.

Yet if i hadn't come here,
I wouldn't have known i needed to grow.
Caving in to sadness, I get lost in feeling hopeless.
But I won't give up.
Because I'm not a failure,
even though I feel like one,
and I AM wonderful even though I don't feel like it.
I WILL have better days...
God teach me how to love me.
Teach me how to fall in love with me.
I want to grow.

I was swinging on this swing
Like a child from the past
And these thoughts swarmed me
As the bees do in the spring

The time slowed, but I was happy
A blissful moment I yearn for
When my mind was running wild
But my heart was sound and still

It's in these moments I feel again
The beauty that living delivers us
Like the touch of sun after winter
And your flesh begins to smile

But this has passed and here I am
Again in this pit that I've dug
Where I think myself into a whirlwind
As I sink deeper into the hell I've seen

And so life goes round and round
Like a Ferris wheel spins and spins
But there is no such joy in this
Rather an empty hollow space I know

I'm in the void I ran from long ago
Wishing I would have stayed
Wondering what would have been
If only I accepted the reality I was in

My human self filled with chaos
Has brought me to the false present
That is really the death I've chosen
The very fate I've longed to escape

Yet somewhere in me waits for you
I cling to a hope that circles are lies
And there is a way to end this
That I won't keep ending back here

So as these moments of sleep
Pass me by like the wind in the fall
I will float like a leaf until I land
On the grounds my desire's dream

(War Time)

There will come soft rains and the smell of the ground,
And swallows circling with their shimmering sound;

And frogs in the pools singing at night,
And wild plum-trees in tremulous white;

Robins will wear their feathery fire
Whistling their whims on a low fence-wire;

And not one will know of the war, not one
Will care at last when it is done.

Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree
If mankind perished utterly;

And Spring herself, when she woke at dawn,
Would scarcely know that we were gone.

you treat yourself like a wounded animal.
you’re drowning in your own blood,
demons rather.
your wounds fester & rot & your demons escape & drown you.
you don’t know why you got shot or why you deserve such pain.
you don’t know why you got caught in the headlights.
so you wallow in a pool of red, your demons.
as they taint your skin crimson
& leave your soul hollow.
you live life on the ground
because reality’s a hard pill to swallow.
you’re waiting to be put out of your misery.
you want to die, to end it all.
or you’re waiting for someone to come along & pick you up, poor wounded animal.
someone to stop the bleeding, fix up your wounds & make you okay again.
you’re waiting for someone to make you whole.
you’re waiting for someone to stop your demons from drowning you
but you’ll be waiting a lifetime drowning in your demons waiting for someone to throw you a life jacket.
we either wait or we die…
or we save ourselves. the lucky ones, i suppose…
it is said an animal would rather bite its own paw than die in an animal trap.
we who save ourselves, crawl away from the car that hit us. take out the arrow that hit us. bite off the leg that’s caught in the trap so we can survive.
we who wait for someone to save us end up bleeding to death.
& those of us that want to end our misery either do it, or live our entire lives wishing we had.
survival instinct… bite off your paw to save yourself from the animal trap for none can save us but ourselves.

Even though my heart
Is black and blue
The only one who lost
The game- is you.