I only write letters to you when the leaves change colors,
My mood starts to bend as the winter wind blows in.
The gardens are wilting but I'm steadily growing,
Rising higher as the sunset comes earlier.
Do you think the snow will come this year?
Will it feel like home used to?
Upwards on the map where winter is a battle between the sun and the moon;
Winds chill bones, rattle teeth, and shake hands.
Will the paved streets sparkle with ice as the midnight hour creeps across the sky?
Think of me when you sit by the bonfires
Friends will laugh along and music will dance in the smoke,
But will it still feel like fall without me there?

The sky crackles and I feel the most alone.

Just like that day in the woods.

My special place was off the trail, but he couldn't have known me,

I was so young and such an idiot,

Not everyone is genuine but I was so trusting,

I can still smell the sickening mixture of fresh-fallen rain,his sweat, the mud around the creek and salt from my tears.

With every atmospheric collision from the sky
my stomach churns tasting the blood in my mouth from his fist thundering against my tear stained cheeks.

When the wind blows  
I can still feel his callous hands bruising and exploring my unwilling body, and scraping against
the most intimate parts of me.

The lightning is when I remember the rock that found my desperate palms and crashing against his temple

The wind howls and the rain finally starts to fall then, near my belly button burns just like it did when the blade he swung wildly cut me before I could run and the water is my heartbeat pounding  in my ears,
but I can hear him behind me
The rush If my blood reminding me I’m still alive mind begging me to stay that way, his threats pushing me further

Head pounding ,body burning,
I burst through my front door

And then I start to cry

I should not be allowed
to have feelings
because they make me suffer
from the moment i wake up
until i go to sleep at 2 a.m

i get sad when i text you
(you're too far away)
and i miss you
when you're not talking to me,
it physically hurts

i wanna cry every time
i see pictures of the two of us together,
and when my friends ask me
how am I doing in love
i don't know what to say

how am I supposed to explain
that when you tell me to
dream about you as a joke,
i actually do?

maybe (probably)
you're sweet because it is
in your nature,
it's just the way you treat your friends,
but every compliment
that comes out of your mouth
means a lot to me

i crave the attention
(only if it's from you),
it's not normal
(at least for me)

i cannot (refuse to)
accept that

I have written countless poems for you,
That your eyes will never reach.
I have novels of you,
Countless volumes of skin
I've ripped from my fragile bones,  
Pressed into millions  of pages With only your name covering them.

Everyone has a first love and you just happen to be mine. All you want to be is friends. But I can't help loving you. So I'm sitting here crying, telling myself that I have to move on. I don't know how to move on so
I guess I'll just be a *****.