Did You Think I Wanted To Write This?
by nobody you know about

it cost only the love i had for the blood in my body
the respect i had for humanity and for every caring soul
the stupid trust i had in mommy and daddy
the promise of heaven for the blind and the righteous
and the swift release that only sleep and death provide
to collapse this diary into shards that you could choke down
and somehow still have a lying tongue to say “you are perfect.”

what idiocy possessed my blackened mind to share with you
the hellfire consuming every minute that Beauty allows me to live?

goodnight, to the pounding rain
and tear stained skin
everlasting dreams left paper-thin

I cannot
shed my
skin

the ***** cells
are clinging
to me

they are
supposed
to become
dust

but they
have decided
to remain

and build up
and weigh
me down

so I don’t
feel like
doing

anything

they are
supposed
to leave me

at least
daily

so I can
feel clean

and be
renewed

instead of
lost in this

old mattress rut

this is a different kind of yearning,
how can you crave a taste you've never known?
how do I grieve the absence of company I haven’t kept?
there’s a little bit of you left for me,
a shadow that leers over my sink,
a silhouette behind me, massaging shampoo into my hair
the echo of footsteps following me up my stairs,
you retrieve the keys from my purse

I sit on this sofa
and the you that I once had is beside me,
leaving an imprint on my left-most cushion,
I let you rest here once and now you are the trim on my front door
Unravel yourself from the braid down my back
and snake yourself from my drain
I hear you in the creak escaping from my floorboards
you are be the monster under my bed
Sage won’t eradicate you,
please leave this space
You lie beside me,
a sheet of knowing tethering me to the mattress.

He is not the friendly one.
He has not been shown love.
Ever, in his life_ And, He cannot
discern my love for the very
cruelty he is otherwise used to ;(