Trust is a fragile thing, and I am a fragile person.

It's almost like hairline fractures in an ankle or a wrist, at least, that's where it starts.

If it's not treated it gets worse, and sometimes never even heals all the way.

But the moment you find someone who is the ***** in your broken femur, that's when you know your kinda ******.

Because your broken, and sure they will help you heal, but you never know how it will turn out.

I guess all this mushy **** is a metaphor for love, and I could wax poetic stanzas, but honestly, nothing is the same as just saying that you ******* love someone.

Nothing is the same after you stay up till 4am and spill out your messy soul to them, absolutely nothing is the same.

No song is the same,
no favorite quote is the same,
not even a ******* smell is the same.

Because you know what?

They will always be in every breath you take,
in every cup of coffee you have,
and in every smile you give to the boy at the bar.

Nothing. Is. The. *******. Same.

And yeah, sure, it's scary as ****. But that's how life is supost to be, right?

Scary and full of heat break and love and lonely nights in a parking lot, surrounded by friends.

That sounds like it doesn't work, but it does. Your surrounded by people, but yet, without the one who makes your world go round, it's lonely as ****.

And sure, you'll drink and collect all the bottles of jack and fireball you went through,
because maybe that just makes the loneliness tangible instead of it being the horrible black hole in the pit of your stomach.

And it's ****** up, but that's what love is.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I cant wait to speak to you now
To see your face
Your my home
Your what i know
And when i said i hated you
It wasnt true
But i do hate what youve done to me
I hate that i love you
A little bit
A lot
Now
Now when i feel crazy
And then actually
Then when i said i hated you, cos i was crazy, cos i love you, and thats what this love has done to me, made me crazy, an thats what i hate.
Oh and now
Because your away and i cant see you and feel you and make you laugh, i really want to make you laugh
And see your smile
And taste your lips
And make you ***
I fantasise daily
About how im gonna tie you up and make you *** the night you get back
In reality il probably be shy
But i have friends, i have hobbies, i have important **** to do for **** sake
But im sitting here, missing you
Writing this
Recording shows and films on the box for us to watch together when you get back
The notebook
We have to watch the notebook
And im fine
Dont get me wrong im fine, i get to sleep okay
And im chillin, seein people, might see matt this week, talking to didi an toe, seeing family
Im fine, please dont get a big ego
But im just not
Home
Im not tingly
Or excited
I cant explain it
I dont have you
I dont have you in my arms an sometimes that makes me sad
And then i start thinking about all the things that iv done wrong
And all these great things im gonna do when ur back
I am, im going to appreciate you more
And im going to play cool a bit more
Dont know how im gonna do both
But i am
Im gonna appreciate you because i want to,
Because i look back on this short time weve been together and so many things that you have done for me make me smile, make me so grateful and make me so happy. Like the cash machine one :) and staying at my house when i was at work, and being patient when i dont know what to wear(corfu and tims)
And all this makes me think, ****. What have i ever done for this boy
He is amazing and he loves me, **** knows why but he does and its insane
Oh and then im gonna play it cool, thats right
Im gonna play it cool because i dont want to ruin it
I dont want to show too much
Of my feelings of absolute passionate never-before-felt-like-this love!
And i dont want those nice things you do to stop
I dont want you to stop trying
Because its boring
Because you know youve got me
Got me ignoring other guys texts
Got me thinking about no one else but you
Got me absorbed in you
Got me missing you like crazy, writing stupid love notes at midnight, drinking rose on my own, when i havnt seen you for a mere two weeks
That kindov got me
Thats what you cant know
So im gonna miss you
But then im gonna see you
Soon
Soon im gonna wrap my whole body around yours like a vice
I wanna jump on you, i wanna run an jump when i see you like we used to do in the corridor of galbraith
Even tho i know im so heavy
You dont act like i am
And i wanna bury my head deep in your neck and kiss it
And now i cant write anymore
Cos its too much
So il watch kardashians
Take my mind of you
Not long now and il be home
I mean, you'll be home.

Dear the girl over there,
I dont mean to stare,
its hard not to,
I know I really dont know you,
and you havnt made the move,
but you havnt stopped smiling either,
maybe together we can make new believers,
to love in a place that seems to being loosing a lot,
So lets grab hands and go to a spot,
where we can sing loudly and whisper things no one cares aboot,
I'll get my suit,
you get your dress,
and we will destroy the all you can eat buffet and laugh at our mess,
So take my hand and we will go to the moon,
and make the lovers that swoon,
all jealous that we dont try so hard,
so consider me a tuneless bard,
with bad rhymes,
and fly by the seat of your pants
and take a chance,
it will be fun,
I promise.

Have you ever felt a flame?
Have you ever seen something hot enough to melt the bitter ice block you call your heart. It’s scalding.
Sensual ****** flames that kiss your lonely corners and make you wonder how the fire department isn’t on stand by. Have you ever felt desire burn so deep in your bones you taste magma and blood?

What does that yearning bring you?

Why havnt the got **** fire alarms gone off yet? Do you wish for release? Or do you beg the embers to dance a little longer on your skin.
Is hot a temperature? Or does heat echo in your sweat and pores everytime you hear me? **** the ******* extinguisher. Set me ablaze! Light me up everytime you combust.  I just want to feel fire.

The days seem shorter but im sleeping less. Ill lay my head when my thoughts are at rest.
Dont flatter yourself.
Your not the one im thinking about.
Those dreams died the day you died.
Your breathing but.
Your dead to me.
I won't wish you well and I won't say it was fun.
Im done living for you and telling those lies to myself.
How the **** could I have loved a 22 year old child like yourself.
Dont say her name.
Shes everything you wish you could be.
Shes not you and thats okay with me
My favorite thing is shes not you.
And thats perfect to me.

We kept complaining,
Of how much work was remaining.
We do it to be obtaining,
Thinking we will one day be attaining...
Your Bliss!!!
Oh Swami Bapa we have done no such work,
To be of your worth,
Yet you Smile,
And hold our hand to the last mile....
........................................................­.......

How, When, Where and Why?

There's certain things in life that we don't understand.
Whether its the thought of leaving someplace you have accustomed to..
Or leaving people you love and have made friends with behind..
Even if it was just a few days, months or years the special ones always leave a footprint and somewhere down the line you think of them, the ones closest more often than ever.
Then you wonder if u'l ever know where you think it's best for u, you keep living.. And wonder where?

The feeling of regrets, mistakes or chances you never took. You'll never know where you may have been led to.. If only.. But you havnt. And you'll never know..

The regret of you letting down someone, or you led someone to let u down.. It all counts in its wierd ways.. But u just don't seem to understand why..

Everything happens for a reason.. We all think of this at some stage of our life.. But when the reason goes unexplained, it builds stress and more often than never it breaks confidence and brings fear..
Again.. We never know why..

I'm sitting here, unable to find sleep or rest in my mind.. Unable to stop thinking and rest my eyes..
Unable to stop thinking of the beautiful moments that have passed and then start to wonder how much I will miss it from happening again..
Again.. You never know how..

It's the sadness or hole in ur heart that hurts the most, and while u wait for that little piece to fall in place, sometimes it never does, and you begging to look for a substitute to give u that stable pounding of your heart beat.. And again.. You'll never know when..

Then we cross the stage where we think, patience will be a key.. I'm still here with patience.. Wondering when the betterment would arrive.
Coz I've been hurt a zillion times, and i still havnt seen the light..
I wonder, if I'd ever know, why?, when?, and how?, or where I'd ever be finding peace to my heartbeat again!!!

Oh! lustful pirate, I've watched you gaze over the sea,
Follow the horizon if you want to be with me.
Standing firm, looking glass to your face,
If you want my love youll have to pick up the pace.
You can bite, oh you can wrestle;
But youre just a boy riding along a cargo vessle.
Take a dive, and i'll make you a man,
I'll make it so you'll never step foot on land.
Jump in, dont be afraid,
What? havnt you ever gotten laid?.
Oh how exciting, its all happening so quick,
Now stop bobbing for air fool and let me bite off your ****.

"You need to get out of the house"
"Come over I miss you"
"Let's go do something"
"You stay inside all day. That's not healthy"

They have no idea what's happening to me
They don't know why I shut them out

The cuts on my legs remind me of prison bars
& make me think I'm a prisoner in my own mental state

"You'll come visit us at school right?"
"Don't forget about football games"
"Everyone will love to see you"

They have no idea that I can't come back
They don't know that I'm leaving soon

I havnt told a soul about the hospital visits
Or the thoughts in my head

"Let's go swimming"
"You're getting pale lets go tanning"
"This bikini would look so cute on you"

They have no idea why I can't wear bathing suits
They don't know why I can't go swimming

The marks on my skin would shock them
& I don't need a reminder of how crazy I am

They have no idea

I saw her in an open field,
a stick sword I saw her wield,
screaming and waving the stick around,
but there was no sound,
just a rustling of leaves in the wind,
that's when her eyes shot like a pin,
at mine,
and she smiled so shyly, so fine,
I was awkward and fell when I started towards her,
the wind stopped and electricity started to stir,
I asked her if we could someday be in love in French,
she smiled shyly again and punched my arm,
and called me a maiden *****,
I picked up a stick and told her to duel,
for the fire was getting fuel,
she threw down her stick,
and I went for a kiss but my nose she decided to lick,
staring with an awkward smile she pushed my cheeks,
and kissed me as I could feel my heart peaks,
awkward and my hand started to sweat,
I awoke with the feeling of winning a bet,
I will wait till tonight,
because you may not be real or in sight,
but that just means I havnt met you yet.

I feel like im wrestling with love.
Its choking me
Its punching my ribs
So many times
I have believed in love,
And each time
The haven i build only burns down
I am left with the smallest frown.
I fight for love,
But it dies anyways.
Numerous times i have gone up to bat
But my heart recieved its third strike
My heart has been shot
My heart has been strewn everywhere.
Little pieces reside in memories.
I have fallen so many times
Scraping my knees each time.
I get hurt too much,
But yet
I still believe.
I believe there is a girl
Who believes there is a boy
That will understand her.
That will understand me.
Even though i still havnt seen its full effect yet,
i am willing to die
**for what could be

I havnt seen you in years,
through the happiness and the tears,
I confer a dream,
it wasnt happy nor mean,
just me asking if you opened your present,
and you looked at me with eyes that made me feel like a wealthy peasant,
we were laying in a field,
you were my guard and I was your shield,
the world around us began to burn,
and I felt like there was something to learn,
so I asked if you had anything left to give,
your hand on my cheek,
you told me to just live,
the answer wasnt the reverse question that I seek,
I held you close and it felt so real,
even though we have always been too far from each other to feel,
you told me you had to go because friends dont do this,
but how could I turn down the loveliness,
I couldnt, and I begged her to stay,
she said this was just a dream and go I had her to let,
I woke up then drenched in sweat,
and my pillow shmooshed against my face,
closing my eyes tight I beg God to let me go back to that place,
to let me back in the field to hold her once more,
but after a while,
my eyes just began to feel sore.

The devil is in the diner,
Asking if I want more coffee,
Telling me it's free,
I answer that I think I have had enough,
an angel sitting courtside says,
havnt we all?
the ball is gone and a car crash begins,
because in the end who really wins,
she pours me another,
and she hands me another beer,
what am I to make?
with an everyday that everything is at stake?
the music is playing on the jukebox,
the music is playing on the loudspeaker,
but the demon in the car,
and my Savior sitting close,
do I do what I purpose?
she smiles while I place down my tip,
and cheers when the team has won,
I guess in the end,
I can always take more.

I have to close this chapter in the book,
it doesnt matter how it will read or how it will look,
because even the worst memories get brighter,
as age gets dimmer like a dying lighter,
right meow it will be looked at as a year for hate,
a year to commiserate,
maybe a year to accept the growth in me,
or a time I was most free,
it was a year for love,
or maybe it was just all of the above,
but that's every year I suppose,
just like every poet rhymes,
and has pros,
every year makes me happy,
and every year makes me feel down in the dumps,
its a just a game,
"Of streaks and slumps"
so here's to the next year
of happiness and fear,
love and anger,
thrashing and quiet,
raises up glass to my friends I have and havnt met yet
Lets all make a bet,
to be have good days and bad,
so that next New Years,
there will be something to be a had

Hey
hope all is well
Still havnt heard back

But I'll keep on writting
It's a drug to me
like crack.

Did you read my letters
I know
some time has passed

This is my third one
And still nothing
Should it be my last

So how's life
What's new
Are you liking
This weather

I'm ready for the cold
Time to break out my sweater.

I'm on my way to work
You are probably at the gym.

I'll keep on sending
My thoughts
Don't wanna keep them in

Well hope your day goes well
With a smile On your face.

Hope to hear from you soon
You left without  a trace.

Give me the answers! I need to SEE!
What it is you expect from me!
A world drenched in disgust!
Greed dishonesty and Lust!
People look to the sky and the ground!
Im looking for something i havnt found!
How do i give them the answer they seek!
It almost seems that my faith makes me weak!
You must know that prayer is not enough!
That Christ was not a diamond in the rough!
His hands were worked to the bone!
Look beyond whats written in stone!
Its no secret that i have my doubts!
My imperfections stand stout!
I am a liar, a thief and a murderer!
Slowly killing myself, i am a wanderer!
Give me the strength to put aside all the hatred!
To lead i need my apathy to be sated!
My mistake was thinking of a one way road!
The truth comes out of every lie that unfolds!
The "Divine" cannot lead in clouded perfection!
My sins have lifted me to vindication!
How will Light ever hope to succeed!
To hope to heal you must first learn how to bleed!

He says good morning and sits alone,
She sits surrounded by people but feels alone,
He checks his phone,
And smiles,
She is thinking aboot the miles,
But they forget,
He has nothing set,
She has everything but still feels upset,
And they havnt even met,
He has regrets he can't forget,
She takes a drag of a cigarette
Another day is passing,
He feels everything massing,
She feels done,
But looks at her kids to feel the sun,
He's going down a dead end street,
She is cleaning to a beat,
And they are both going a hundred miles,
To the end of meanwhiles,
That should be real,
He looks with lonesome eyes at every meal,
She's trying to remember what it means to feel,
They will not meet,
But still they smile all the same,
This show will end lame,
But it started with an alright scene

Images of your face crowd my mind.
Beauty in all you are.
I found that picture from when we where kids.
Best friends then
Best friends now.
But there is something i havnt told you.
See i think i love you.
I find myself thinking about you more than a friend should.
I think about how much we've grown together.
I think about the times ive cried on you, and you on me.
All the times you have told me you might sorta like me.
I want to be more, best friend.
Usually lovers are best friends.
And i feel our connection goes beyond holding hands.
We should be cuddling in my old treehouse.
We should be us
Best friend,
*be my girlfriend?

I got new friends
Who told them?
Go use him
He works hard for you ends, To meet,
his life ain't compleate
They think sellin dime bags
Beats your poundin feet, or ****** hands, or avoiding uncle sams deadly reach
Only my real friends can see, even though sometimes they can't be, and I can't be, like we used to be, family, I havnt seen them since I last cut my christmas tree, but sometimes they call and that's when I see new friends may act right
But real friends, They Will Be

Console games and animated romantic flames
It seems like you've forgotten

My lights are out at night but yours still shines bright
It feels like you've forgotten

Blank daydream evenings while your getting the drinks in
It looks like you've forgotten

Thoughts of wonder fill me, seems I've become your perminant taxi
I know that you've forgotten

2am Chinese deliveries, that's the only thing I can do to please
You've definitely forgotten

Have you forgotten that I exist?
Are you bored or tired?
Do you think it's all worth the risk?
Is it time that I retired?

Because all I'm doing is sitting here, waiting for you
All I'm doing is lying here
Waiting for you
This paranoia I have found
Is nagging so loudly in my ear
How can I ignore it?

But I'll be the bigger man
And act like everything has gone to plan
Please don't go back to neverland
I prey you havnt forgotten
Me

I'm not going to tell you I like you anymore & pour my feelings out to you

I'm not going to flirt with you and give you the satisfaction you want.

I'm not going to look into those amazing eyes & melt .

I'm not going to talk to you because if I do ill get closer to falling harder

I'm not going to pay attention to your existence

I'm not

I'm not

I'm not

But eventually I will do the complete opposite

Because these feelings havnt gone away

They've been knocking me down

I say I'm done . But I keep finding myself trying again.

But one day I'll know when to give up.

Because if i was worth your time I will be relevant to your life and have a place .

But i dont.

And I'm not going to .

So its time to walk away . I've finally given up on you.

I guess some people just really don't understand what it's like to be in love & how one can take complete control over your mind & you not be able to do a **** thing about it but lay there at 4:54 in the morning & write about it because they're consuming so much of your soul you forget what sleep is but you continue on & let it happen because you think that's what's best for you & you havnt yet realized that the someone you are giving all of your time too is asleep right now & you havnt crossed their mind since the morning they left your house but the one time they decided to send you a message as to why they couldn't talk & it breaks your heart to hear but you still go on begging for them all at once until you look back at the time & notice it's now 5:00 in the morning & you're still writing & they're still sleeping with no connection in between expect for this stupid run on sentence that they'll never come to read.

Because your love makes me want to
Drown

I avoid all bodies of water
It hopes that I'll survive

But it's fruitless
Because I've havnt got the control any more

It's all in the currents

Like a bad *** general reciting deaths
Strewn bodies like dead roses
Along the shore while the waves engulfs them
You glare at me like the enemy i have slained
But havnt conquered,  my love
I read your book but failed to read between the lines
Of what makes you holy, or mine

A day of silence
It is suppose to be
But today is loud
Oh what irony

People scream
In protest of us
Our silence is broken
So is our trust

I do not speak
On this day
In hopes that our future
Will be okay

That the torturing
Teasing
The hurtful words
Will stop

I pray
I cry
I shout
Protest my silence

*****, fat,
Gay, les
******, dyslexic
******, deaf

But the word
The one sentece
I havnt hear today
Was I am sorry
And things will soon be okay

Life is certainly better now that i've left for college
I havnt woken up or falling asleep sobbing since i got here
The girl(s) i like only play mind games that make me question everything
only sometimes
I havnt stopped writing like i thought i would though
Thats very distressing
My classes seem to be going easier then they were a few weeks ago
I think im going to not get good grades this time either
But things are certainly different
sometimes i actually believe peoples smiles are sincere for once
sometimes i think these people actually like me
sometimes i dont hate myself
there is even another writer here
maybe i'll get to know him
did i say im getting better or life is?
because im not getting better
no, just the circumstances have changed
thank god for distractions

When you go away you go so far that not even my love can save you.
You go off to this land where your love for me is unreachable.
I cannot touch your love for me...
I can't accept it, nor can I deny it.
It's like an island,
You and your dreams of me have floated away to a land where reality doesn't have any hold over you.
You are just there,
With all that you hold of our world,
And one can never really see you
For the fog that covers your eyes hides your soul from the world.
You are hidden,
Your dutiful heart is protecting you from all that could be.
You disappear from your body into a land that none of us could fathom. And I hate it.
You steal a piece of me.
You take it and you run,
You run from all that could be,
And all that should be.
Your body can't hold all that you feel for me.
It was only built to hold your soul,
Which before you stole mine was already too much for it.
Since you stole your love for me and hid it on your special island
I havnt been able to find you,
I think you might be lost forever.
I'd love to share in your love for me occasionally
But you're slipping away
So that all is left in you
Is the me that you stole.
You have consumed me
and in doing so you have let me eat away your soul
Until it was gone.
I'm sorry for killing you.
I didn't know,
I suppose I must have been pretty **** unobservant to not notice you slipping away onto your island,
Especially when you took with you all the parts of me that were worth a ****.
I never meant for you to fall so far,
Like an angel who was so human in that you couldn't keep away.
You dissapeared from me
And took our love with you.
How am I suppose to reach you now?
I needed you,
But I feel that I don't deserve to say that
Because you needed me so much more.
You needed me so differently,
And I couldn't always be there for you.
I couldn't ever be there for myself
And now that I'm all that's left of you,
I couldn't be there for you either.
It was your fault that I couldn't reach you,
But it was my fault that it was your fault.
You blurred us together and now I can't tell the difference.
I feel like I can't ever know you now,
Because all that I can see in you is me,
And I never could look in the mirror and then go about my day.
If I looked I'd get stuck,
I'd stare at my soul and wonder about life.
I'd wonder about all the things I wondered about.
But never once did I contemplate you while I was stuck staring.
All that time I spent absorbed in myself
And I never dreamt you up,
Do you stare at me like that too?
Was I so self involved that I even consumed myself in your body aswell?
Could I not stop staring and see that the person in the mirror wasn't me at all,
And that the only reason I thought it was
Is because that's what I expected to see?
You look in a mirror and you look for yourself.
And eventually you find it.
Or you dont,
And that is when you look harder,
You look so hard that you swear that you have climbed in the mirror and will stay there
So that everytime your body comes back to take a look you can say,
Here you are.
This is what you believe in.
But then eventually your body changes,
It develops new experiences
And it comes back and it looks different.
There are weather lines on your forehead and you think,
This is not me anymore.
And that's when you climb out of the god forsaken mirror and you look around and you realise that the world has changed,
And your body has made a stranger fall in love with you,
The you that it saw in the mirror,
But this stranger could never really find you because you were trapped. You were trapped within your ideals,
You were trapped within the eyes who dared not to look at you too long in case they saw something.
Something of value.
And then you think,
I'm so sorry my poor lady,
And then you fall for her.
But she has taken you so far away to a little island in her mirror,
Where your love and her's is trapped behind a misty brown fog covered soul dying to have you notice pouring through her empty gaze.
And you realise that she's the only one who will ever have met you in your mirror.

I wonder if you know what im feeling inside...
Is it ok to fall, I really cant decide...
You could be the one,  you could be it...
I havnt a clue what I have done yet!
Did I go to fast?
From fears of experiences in my past?
What I can tell you is its in Gods hands...
Just where our relationship lands!

Nine years ago tomorrow, a child came into my life.
for nine years, I have watched him grow, cry, laugh, learn.
I was the first one he walked to, the last one he hugged
goodnight so he could get tickled one last time.
All the worries of my life seem to disappear
when I look into those blue curious eyes.
So I wish I could be with you, tomorrow
will be the first time I havnt been the one
to wake you up and wish you a happy birthday.
But know, I am there with you in my heart of hearts.
I love you Justen C. March.

Rhebus.
Havnt a baldies what the word means
On account of me not having a dictionary
to hand.
Tis nice though,
to say.
I urge you to play.
Say them out loud.
Bungalow
Clot
Curley wurley
Menagerie
Bulbous.
It's words that define us.

lie in the place
truth belongs where there is no backspace

i have done so wrong
because the right hasnt been the bulk of what i say

cut out all of my words
and paste what i havnt said

you would get a beautiful image
but this isnt the picture my words paint

static fazes for so long
but clarity must remain.

Now i sit in my chair,
sipping wine and playing chess.
with a small souvenir, a lock of his hair.
she walks in with her cocktail dress.
We discuss our kidnapping plan,
For a handsome cash ransom.
They don't know they are messing with a mad man.
The kind that has a pet phantom.
They don't know what i have already done.
Lifeless in the creek.
This is all just for fun.
hope my secret doesn't speak,
of the lies i have told.
the things i havnt done,
and made people believe i have.

I'd rather smile.
Though no one will let me,
no one will make me,
i havnt found that one that puts that smile on my face.
Iv'e met a few, but none that stay.

I may have found one this time..
but im moving soon, so as i have to say.
He won't stay either.
Iv'e met another, where i'm moving to.
I think he will keep that smile on for a while.
Because he makes me blush.