I've always kept this parachute.
This protective layer surrounding me.
Catching me as I fall, and keeping me safe from harm.

But now there's you-
Every minute we spend together pokes a hole in my parachute.
Each hole representing such a happy memory.
A poke for every laugh
For every soft word whispered
For every time I watched your eyes crinkle with that cute smile of yours.

So many holes- my parachute is starting to fail me.
I'm going defenseless.
You're destroying that protective layer.
I'm going into a free fall-

It's the most thrilling ride of all
And I could not be happier.

Because starving doesn't hurt as bad
As looking in the mirror.

Because dragging a thin piece of metal
Across my skin, gives the pain a place to live.

Because when it's dark and I'm alone
There's no more voices to say "No."

Because I know it'll be hard for you
To understand- thats why I'll give you a hand.

Because I know how badly you want
To know me. But help me understand this-

Are you ready?

Water seeps into my skin so quickly
Pruning my little feet within minutes
of soaking in the warm water.
That's a lie actually- my feet are not little, they are quite adverage for my height but I've always viewed them as too big.
I bruise at the lightest of touch
And they stay for weeks*
Everything I eat rips and claws through my body- just to come crashing out moments later
That sounds rather graffic doesn't it?
And they wonder why I don't eat.
The pain in unbelievable  
So dramatic poems, aren't they? I suppose that's the point though? To e able to exaggerate thoughts without judgment.
My body breaking down
Screaming with every move
Maybe not screaming. That would be strange, wouldn't it? Tiny voice resounding from your pores.
I'm still waiting- waiting for this *medication to work. Or for them to say "Let's try this instead. "
I really appreciate all doctors, they are amazing. But sometimes I feel like a guinea pig. It's been sixteen years- dont they know what it is yet?
I'm tired, so so tired.
*A dead battery *
I really am. Getting sick like this completely drains me of every once of energy I have.

Mental* monsters that rule our minds. They whisper, taunt, and cry. Never leaving a moment of peace in ourselves. We put our happy thoughts up on a shelf. Protection. In hopes of resurrection. Mental monsters turn to silver. Hard cold and clever. Step on one and she will show you. Now she's all you'll listen to. Take another in your hands. Give him a stage so he can dance.
He'll leave reminders of the metal monsters everywhere...

And now we're all scared.

It's so easy to be happy with you
                     To smile

It's so easy to feel better with you
                     To feel alive again

But of course- you can't stay
                     I know that

I want to feel this way on my own
                      When it's late

I want to feel safe when I'm alone
                      I will not be dependent

What would you do if you found out?
                     I hope you never do

Because those few hours of safety
                     Are keeping me *alive

It's odd, isn't it? How much you miss the feeling. You miss the rumble and the noises. The applause of your insides. Such a pain others avoid- yet here you am craving it once more.
Don't worry- It'll come.
Today was your last.
Tomorrow you're done.

I'm finally home, I thought I'd be happy
I get to sleep in my own bed and finally take a long shower
I get to see my best friend tomorrow
I get to see him

Yet I still feel like this..?
All those feelings from the course of five days unleashed.
I don't have the protection of sharing a room.
Now it's just me and the walls of my mind.
The walls that not only keep other away-

But they lock me out as well. What's in there?
I wonder.

I wonder...

A buzzing in the air
excitment
We're finally leaving
lets go already
Just another hour..
We've been waiting all year
All the saving finally paying off
It's here. It's here.
So tune up those strings.
*We're here to play

Do you know the feeling?
    needles lining your rib cage
You can't take a deep breath.
    cant calm the earthquakes
So Breath for me
    live for me
Take my hand
   hold it steady
Because I'm ready
   *to fly myself home

I'm still waiting for this hurt to go away. I'm waiting for the day when I can look in the mirror and not want to shatter it. For the day that I can go to a store with turning to every mirror and looking at my body, utterly disgusted. I'm waiting for the day where I don't want to take the silver pen that draws in red to my skin. I thought it was here.. I thought I was better. I was eating normally. But then is tried on the scale.. What an evil thing. A ruiner. When will I get off this track? I'm growing tired of this journey. But maybe I'll fly off it before I have the chance to hope off onto safe groun-

Good morning.
The sun is shining.
And you are in the clouds.
Welcome home.

Megan
What a poplar name
There are three Megans in my sixth period alone
Most people would want a new name
Something unique
Something different
Not me
I love my name
Sure- when I was young I wanted to change it

But now I know
I know what's so important about my name
See the fact is-
Others may have the same letters and
The same pronunciation.
But my name is still unque
Because my name is just that
MINE.
I, Megan, make my name
**Memorable.

Melt over my body
Scotch my skin
Peel away the pain
By adding a new sensation

How did we get here?
Crumpled being on the tile
Unable to rescue themselves
Pathetic

Maybe you're right
Wear me out
Wring me dry
Hang me out on a line.

We all say that society is ugly
But we all have wished to look like her.

I spend so many nights starring up from my bed.
Gazing upon the plastic glow in the dark stars.
Vision blurs as I long to be staring at the real thing.
Or maybe- it's not so much that I want to see them.
Maybe it's I want to be one- I want to be a star.
I want to be looked for- to be wanted so badly that people travel miles just to get far enough away to see me properly. What a different feeling, to be wanted. To feel so loved and cherished. That's all I've ever wanted, I want to feel noticed. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I don't just want to be wanted. I want to be wanted by you. So tell me, will you travel away from it all to see me? Will you miss me when you have to return to civilization? No.. No you will simply stay where you are- not bothering to take a chance on something you can't see. But why would you? So many shine brighter than me..

Maybe this is me lashing out
In a way I never could
I can't yell or scream
I can't hurt you
So I hurt myself

I do something that I wouldn't do
I don't want to be me anymore
Maybe that's why
But now all of this is going down
And everyone's freaking out

They want to send me away
Lock me up. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad
I wouldn't have to be me
I could be anyone
"Hello, my name's Jane Doe."

You told me today
That you feel like you're
Always too busy with other
People.

Well nice of you to join
My childhood.
Everyone's always too busy
With other people.

My whole life I've just been
Here. Never been noticed.
It's been sixteen years
And you're just now wondering.

I've never had anyone to talk to
About how this whole thing
Makes me feel.
Too busy.

Well I learn from the best.
I'm too busy to deal with
'feelings'  too busy to pay attention
To the rumble in my stomach.

Too busy to take care of myself
Because I'm trying to make
Everyone else okay.
But you're too busy to notice.

What you expect:
                      
                                  ­ y
                              r
                       ­  e
                     v
                o
             c
        e
    r
Obvious steps, one at a time until you're at the top.

Reality:

   y    
r     c
   e         o
r       v

You don't really know if this is even what you want. You crawl up a few, only to come crashing back down in an endless circle of hate.

She lost her last shred of hope

And with that..

                                                   she  
                        gave
                                   ­                                                                       
up

and

fell

d
    o
        w
              n

So much hate surrounds us.
At school.
At work.
In the home.
Sometimes it even comes from strangers.

But sometimes it comes from inside.
It swallows your being.
Growing like a mold in your mind.
It takes over.
Consumes you.
Until one day
One day
You've had enough-

Get good grades
Take collage level classes
Get a job
Have a social life
Go on dates
Be pretty
Be skinny
Be normal
Be stable
Be safe

I need an escape.
To most teens that's drinking or smoking..
But no- I can't do that.
I  have to be perfect, don't you see?
In the church
In school
In life
But I'm only 16

There's a dark secret I keep
It use to be my escape
But it's affects are running out
I need something new to take me away
And that something I'm afraid, is you.

I once read that one cannot gain cold
But that there can only be an absence of heat

This make sense to me since I'm always cold
But those around me can feel heat radiating from me

Maybe this is how emotions work as well,
There is no sadness- just absence of happiness

This proves that you can be so cold on the inside
Yet somehow be so warm and bright on the outside.

You can think of light this way.
There is no darkness- just absence of light.

It can also be said that
There is no hatred- just an absence of love.

Use the map
That's printed on my body
If you want to find me
If you want to know ME
If you want to know my feelings
Follow the map

Follow the signs
And the trails etched on my being
The marks or construction,
And the marks of destruction.
Follow the map that snakes up my legs
And across my hips
Follow the map to find my soul.

It's all about perspective really. You can seemingly change the outcome of a situation by how you think of it. In this case.. It's as clear as past-
And present.

Past-
A young brother passing away
A childhood void of a father who was too drunk
Raised by a sister because mother was too busy
Losing three people who had become family through divorce
Now having a father that's too busy with his new family

Present-
A brother no longer in pain from his 17 years of fighting illness
A Dad desperately trying to make up from lost time
A Mom and sister that have so much love and care they take care of others
Have three toxic people removed form my life- bad influences taken away
Having a wonderful new Step Mom and Three new siblings and a very in love and happy Dad.

It's all
      how
you          
                  look
      at
it.

I'm like a pencil
My lead has run out
And my eraser is threatening to be done

Everytime I try to help
Or fix something
It wears out more

I'm wearing thin
Paper thin
I'm afraid that I don't have any more to give.

Because at the end of the day
When the makeup washes off
You see the dark circles and red bumps
You see the ugliness that was badly hidden

Because at the end of the day
When I takes off the mask
You see the weak little girl within
The one I try so hard to control

Because at the end of the day
I lay in a small bed,
out numbered
By thoughts and the world.

I spent most nights of the summer
Laying in the middle of my floor
Sobbing silently
Screaming your name as my family slept

I miss you..
You left so suddenly
Now it's just emptiness
This time of year is always hard..

Thanksgiving was you're favorite
Mom let you eat anything
Despite what the doctors said
Two days a year..

Thanksgiving
And
Christmas..
Little smokies once a year- just for you.

But that year..
You left ten days too early
To be able to taste them
One

Last

Time

Am I really
So easy to forget?
Do you think
That I'm a ghost?
Do you think
That I wouldn't notice?

I'm actually okay with this
I'm use to it
I've felt myself fading away
For months
I'm disappearing

I understand how
I can't stand to look at
Myself for more than
A minute.
So how could you?

Firey hot
Burning through the crowds
Burning through the endless voices
Together we will burn though

Just barley red
Where you just touched me

White- where you lingered.
Bubbling up through desire

But perhaps.. This is the wrong kind
Is there such a thing?

I write when I am at a loss of words.
When I don't know how to express how I feel.
When I can't tell someone why I'm crying-
Because I don't know myself.

When I am at a loss of emotion..
I write music.
I pound away on the piano.
Which I find funny because-
I've never taken lessons.
I can't read the music.
I feel it instead.
Replacing emotion with music so I'm not so-
Utterly empty.

The formalities of the world
They tell us how long we have to know
Another person
For us to love them

It creates a complex.
What if that's why there is so much hate
In the world
People are afraid to love eachother
Simply because of time
Because of fear
Fear of being ridiculed
By those who stick to the formalities

People pleasers
I am one
Always have been
It's a selfless
Yet selfish
Mind set
I only want others
To be happy
I want people
To be happy
But when will I
Realize..
I AM people
I deserve happiness

Not tonight I suppose..

I was careful, tip toeing around you
      careful not to step on a crack.
I figured you'd be the same, careful
      but something much better came with you.
You crashed into me like a tsunami
      flooding over and washing away everything.
Trying to break through the barrier
      with a stunning force.
I thought I had buillt myself up
      I thought I had become impenetrable
Thick thick walls, only tissue paper
      to you. You got through with terrifying ease.
You reached a level no one has on
      purpose before.
And now I realized, I let you.
      How did you go right through my defenses?
Bringing down that first wall,
      more following each time we talk.
Talk.. I've always hated talking.
      I could never do it in person, never.
Maybe with you I can.. probably not.
      my body wont' allow that. No. No.
I'll shut down. Clam up. Stutter my
      way into embarrassed silence.
But then again you've always excepted
      that part of me. That awful, awful part.
Although after fourteen years
      you've gotten me to talk more.
More than I ever have. You're special
      to me. you helped me.
You're perfect to me- even though
      you got through those walls.
Even though you broke the rules,
      maybe it was time, they were ancient.
A force-field broken by a special person
      The only, to ever proceed.


*You asked me to write a poem for you. I'm sorry it isn't very good, I hardly ever write with the intention of someone reading it.. But for you I broke a rule.

First we see the moon, we trust that it'll be there.
The stars follow after, in the hope of being claimed.
As we live out the darkness, the sun becomes our beacon of happiness.

Dark splotches on the walls of the tub..
How does it not scare you?
It's become the normal and that scares me.

But you are me.