I Can Smile, But Not be happy
I Can Cry but because i am angry
being lonley,like im drowning slowly
hard to breathe as my heart rushes to catch up to my thoughts
i feel the cold rush down my neck
 i can feel you creeping
all your eyes watching as i drag my feet and trip along the road i used to skip down.
the only place ive been hurt like this in this town.
the sneakers that squeak as mine are silent.
the clothes that still smell like the stores, mine the same as they were.
the same everything. i wake, i struggle, i push, i shed but one tear
and tear apart everyone else to protect myself from everyone.
i wish of the things i wish i had. of what i wish i was. of what i wish i wasnt
and whisper into the trees and grass how much i miss you and everyone else i have lost.
screaming at people who i never should have, loving people i know will hurt me.... unless i hurt them first,
so many first kisses and first girlfriends i have ruined...
so many inults that i said out of a place in my heart that is cold as ice and hard as stone. afraid everyone knows the lies ive told. to create this persona that makes me less of a lame, shame, untame dissapointment of everyone who is related to me....
Let me start over.
let me be the one who never lies.
let me be the one who didnt have to say that they hate someone.
let me love everyone including myself.
Look at me without shame Mom.
look apon me without disgust father.
for i am your baby girl. i am the baby you nurtured into the monster you call a daughter......
no mas no mas mother.....
i am not what you have raised
i am a near blemish in your imperfect yet perfect life.
as we stare each other down from across the table i see the dissapointment in your eyes...
the instructers see the lie they call potential...
i am  just a shadow in  the glory of the boy.... just a twinkle in the firework of YOUR life.
and as i begin to fall to my knees with pain and anger
i think of the people i hurt and wish they could watch me slowly fall into a deep pit of darkness and hate,...
i will sleep to the sounds of their giggles 
since i danced to the sound of their crys.
Ill continue to disappoint those around me.
im sorry for the pain and stress mom. 
Im sorry for the tears and fear mom.
this is me.
oh so terrible
unforgivable
broken
shaken
shattered
me.......

I heard the other day that love doesn't exist.
I was livid and spoke sour of their words,
as if 'I love you' was something I usually heard.

I sat in my bed that night
and thought about every 'I love you' I'd been missing

I thought to myself that love couldn't exist
and the last bit of your love was dripping off my skin
and that the last time you said 'I love you' was in pity and for pretend.

I sit in my desk now and write this rant-like piece,
knowing that my legs are sore
from my hips to my knees.

I think to myself that love couldn't exist,
if I cant even love myself enough to protect my own skin.

That if love existed, my heart wouldn't yearn,
even after all the nasty things I heard
that never failed to make me so sure
of the loss I had when I broke your heart.

If love didn't existed I wouldn't feel this burn
Love existed, I just couldn't be yours.

Maybe its the way you walk
or the way your eyes make me think.
How you say my name,
or maybe how you make me shake.
I'm not sure how you do it,
but you're on my mind a lot
making me forget my own name,
making me lose my train of thought.

Your lips,
I favor over all the rest
but what I love most of all
is laying on your chest.
Maybe it's the way you make me feel
when all you want is a kiss.

Your kisses devour me and I lose what control I have,
giving myself to you is what my body needs.
And so I plead, and plead, and plead for you to take me,
to make me feel alive again,
to pump life into me over and over
until I am overwhelmed with the serenity of this moment.

Maybe it's when I'm walking there beside you.
Your hand grazing mine,
making sure to bump into you from time to time.
You bump right back and shoot me a grin,
wrap me up in your arms in a hug that never seems to end.
You kiss me over and over on my neck, lips, and chin
until you whisper in my ear
"I don't want this to end."

Maybe it was the way I walked, Or the way I said your name..

You're watching, judging, and assuming
You don't understand why I do what I do. 
Why I obsess over little things.
So stop trying to
The world is my oyster
But without the beautiful pearl
Just a plain old shell, in a plain old world

It's a shame you'll never know the brilliance
All you're capable to understand is the madness.
Insane, sane
Heart, or brain
Ferocious , tame
Take two breaths and stop breathing all together.
Turn your self to useless energy, forever.

Welcome to mind of the mad.
The queen of the asylum
A dapper old castle in the brain of a girl.
Who is tortured yet pampered in her own little world.

And with each passing day
I miss your structured face,
Steamy eyes,
And your subtle grace.

And with each summer breeze
I miss the way your hand feels
And the way you used to let me trace your palms.
How you used to stare at me
For just a little too long.

Missing you is constant now.
I always wish you were here.
When I miss kissing your cheek
And whispering in your ear.

Nothing is the same.
Not anymore
I wished for one thing,
Just being yours.

I am not
Okay.
I am not
Dead.
I am not alone,
For the Man you hate,
Is my friend.
You think you are great,
You think you are grand,
When the fact of the matter
Is I never want to see you again.

solivagant (adj.) (english) wandering alone

Solivagant Traveler

Lost in a desert where affection is the water
I can't decide if its's been months, or maybe longer,
Since I laid my eyes upon you,
Or the mirage I perceived you to be.
As if you were a cactus who's affection is guarded,
by skin too sharp, and thick to bleed.
Sitting in this plateau surrounded by drier things,
dead plants and dusty bones.
A solivagant traveler is what I'll be.

My face,
Sore.
My lips,
Warm.

The wrinkles
Will come
If I continue seeing
you because
All you make me do
Is smile.

You held my hand,
Called me your darling,
And planted your lips
On mine.

I'm not sure what changed
But babe,
We're in our prime
❤

Spending your cash 

Buying trends that will pass

S i g h

Is it long enough

To cover your hips and thighs?

W h y

Must my body be riddled with purple lines?

Stripes like the prisoner

C r i m e

Beautifully
             Insecure
Freely
             Bound
Confidently
               Invisible
Positively
               Negative
Lovingly
                Hated
Unbreakably
                  Broken

Every piece of me you think you've figured out,
I'll show you how it should look.

Not extended, edited, or pondered about.
Just a character in a book.

You had me watching your mouth verbatim.
The way your lips formed the words I could hardly focus on,
because the corners of your mouth curled in a way I haven't yet seen.
Our adventitious exchanges were works of art,
painted by filthy minds,and fueled by my own flushed face.

murmurer à moi, mon cher

I'm taken aback by your quips,
and how easily they make me want you.
I'd be lying if I said that you saying my name
didn't make me think evocatively,
    of what would happen, were we ever alone.

*murmurer à moi, mon cher