I'm tangled inside and everything comes out like glass
I'm cutting inside.
The way you carelessly lose yourself, cuts me inside
And I forcefully tear my skin off
To show you I'm bleeding.
Can these pools of red speak louder than thunderous phrases?
You find yourself in dark places
Losing yourself to people who won't remember your name.
And you forget yourself
In the worst kind of way.
I can't force you
Can tears? Can pleas of red and blue? Can whispers of adoration?
Does it come down like lightning - or do I sit in a deserted room...
Watching an hour glass, receiving postage with your name written on it.
Hearing about you from everyone but
And I'm the woman stuck in a painting
Trapped in an artifact
Scribbled on a drawing.
I can't speak!
Every single piece of me is lost in time, to trying, to trying..... Fading.
But, I saw you yesterday.
It felt like the beginning of something,
After all this time, maybe we can began again
Believing and dreaming, growing and leaving
A whoosh and a spin, a grin and a glint, all that it takes before time is amiss.
larger, infinite, timeless, senseless, insurmountable, imaginable.
These are the moments in which the impossible can be conceived.
A smile is taken as a romantic gesture,
And every single moment can be jumbled in a messy, wild, reckless grin
Each stroke taken as its last
Each beat felt like never before
And its all coming now
Will it ever come like this again?
I hope our paths never cross again,
Because I will come at you with all the force that I have,
You have ruined the one thing I hold dear,
And now its time we awake what's driven by fear,
I hope our paths never cross again,
For you have awaken a monster I spent decade laying to rest,
Now he is raging in me like an animal encaged,
Waiting for a chance to inflict pain upon revenge,
I hope our paths never cross again,
For I am now a man with few items to waste,
You took what was most valuable to me,
And so open doors to the devil that breathes,
It's 1 am and he called to wake me up.
I answered not really paying attention to him
I'm too tired to think
To tired to realize what's being said.
It's 1:15 am and I'm taking the elevator down to meet him;
But I get downstairs and finally realize what's happening
I'm not seeing him but rather I'm looking at you
It's 1:20 am and all I can think is that I shouldn't have picked up the phone.
I'm waking up
But it's too late
I've sealed my fate,
I'm still a little foggy
Still a little sluggish
I keep walking with you as I try to figure out if this was a mistake and if I should leave.
It's 1:30 am and we're in the bathroom and no one is around.
I'm fully awake
And you've asked,
I'll give credit to you for you did ask
But I was hesitant
I don't actually know you
It's 1:40 am and you're getting annoyed because I said no and all we're doing is talking
You want more
But I don't know what to do
Say yes and word is spread:
She's a slut,
She's a whore,
She sleep with everyone.
Say no and who knows what happens:
She's a bitch,
You'll do it anyway,
You walk away.
Either way it could turn bad for me,
For you don't seem the type to take no as an answer
It's 1:45 am and I say no so you ask if I like music.
You say let's dance as music flows from the phone speakers.
I'm pushed against the bathroom wall.
No one is around.
It's quiet but for the music.
Night is fully present outside.
It's 1:50 am and I'm pushed against the wall with your body completely covering mine.
I don't want to be here.
I want to leave.
I'm not comfortable.
I said no.
And yet those are you're fingers pulling aside my shorts
And those are you fingers pushing my panties away.
That's your other hand holding my hips in place
While your body holds me immobile.
It's 1:53 am and I'm panicking
I don't know what to do!
I said no.
Is this my fault?
Did you read into this as me leading you on?
Why is this happening to me??!!
It's 1:54 am and I'm held against the bathroom wall when all I want is to not be here!
Slowly, you've pushed my pants aside,
Now I feel you pressing against my back.
When did you take your pants off?!
Slowly you're sliding your dick into me
Hoping that I won't notice?
Hoping that I change my decision?
Hoping to ease my mind?
It's 1:55 am and the panic has taken control
Adrenaline is pumping through my veins
Fight or flight is pushing for my survival.
Unknown strength kicks in as I push off the wall
I knock you backwards
You trip over *your pants wrapped around your ankles.
I rearrange my clothes so they're back where they should be
And I run for the door.
You call me a bitch and tell me not to leave until you put your clothes back on.
It's 1:58 am and I'm walking away, waiting as the minutes pass so you don't follow me home.
I'm standing outside the elevators
Debating whether or not to take it up
Or run up the stairs instead.
I don't want you to know where I live,
Even he had never been to my home.
It's 2:04 am and I'm still standing outside the elevators when you text me
Not know what to expect,
I consider deleting it without opening it,
But truth be told, curiosity gets the better of me,
5 words is all you write:
You're a fucking fat bitch.
It's 2:07 and I finally decide I've waited long enough and take the elevator.
I walk into my apartment and head straight for my room.
I fall on the bed.
Everything plays back through my mind.
I question everything;
Why did I answer my phone?
Why did I go downstairs?
What was I thinking?
Why didn't I leave sooner?
Was this all my fault?
What did I do to deserve this?
It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
It's a few weeks later, New Year's Eve, and I'm out with a friend.
I tell her about him and I tell her about you
And the first thing she says is that you tried to rape me.
You tried to rape me
The word circles my mind.
It's the first time the word connects with what happened.
With what you tried to do.
It's minutes later, as we move away from the crowds waiting for the fireworks so we can have privacy.
I argue that it doesn't connect
For you never penetrated me.
The word seems far fetched
Like that didn't happen to me
All because you were never inside me.
Days, weeks, months, years pass and I "come to terms" with what happened.
I realize it may not be categorized as rape but it was sexual assault.
I keep what happened close to me.
I don't want the memory of you in my head
I push aside what happened
I refuse to think about it
And when I do, I down play what I went through in those few minutes.
It's 3 years later and I'm finally realizing that what I thought was my "acceptance" of what happened was only dreaming.
I know I haven't recovered mentally
Maybe I won't.
But I'm finally realizing I have to face that night
I have to face what happened
So that I can move forward
So that the memories stop haunting me
So that I don't live with the shame and embarrassment.
But most important of all,
I'm finally realizing that
It's been 3 years this month and I'm facing what happened.
I was assaulted.
I was forced into something I wasn't comfortable with.
And it wasn't my fault.
These are the facts.
3 years and I'm finally coming out and saying what happened to me.
3 years and I'm finally acknowledging what happened to me.
3 years and I'm finally facing what happened to me head on.
3 years and I'm finally willing to talk about what happened to me.
For reference the "he" and "you" are two different guys.
You are of the spring
Only light rains
To flourish greater life
Neutral with pastel hues
Sweet smell of honey suckle
A comfortable dusk falls upon you
Almost such a rebirth, anew
I am of the winter
An extreme bite upon the lips
A cool breeze which sends shivers
White blanket covers bright greens
A brisk wind, abrasive by nature
But oh, what a sight to see
Although only tolerable for a day,
You are of the spring
And I am of the winter
You force me to melt
Have you shiver.
begonia, azalea, oh my morning glory
up mountain i climb, wintry deception
path now covered, converged i remain
since sown seeds laid out in history,
my husband, so dear is his treachery
backlashes from my half full coffee cup,
leaves pose as icicles, dead among living
reflecting order, they place me in darkness
such a smile of sun, thawing ground brings,
off oh husband, leave me be, sweetly touch
eucharis lily, apple blossoms, and heather
do not dare say thy name amidst the unkind,
upon returning to tenderly kiss your lips
oh the wonder of spring, one you will miss
side note: apparently if you don't return likes to likes, you're selfish? did it ever occur to you that some of us aren't dying to be accepted? this place had changed. ugh.
Standing in this sphere
I seek communion with the Stars
Heat and dust for hidden answers
I wonder wonder where they are?
Bursting into gates I dawn my robe like a heavyweight
Wandering thru the distance I am guided by the Way
skim the outer rim clouds dissolve revolve or scatter
but I'm focus on the mission I'm surfing streams of gray matter
burn to shine walk the line by gravity of the Force
untethered in this universe My vision on the course
I fast devoid of sun or moon
comet of the galaxy I'm bound to Windu
I am Master of the unseen epoch
I foreshadow the battle whether it not yet be true
You know like Yoda, I do
I'm staring in the nebular
what will birth from this mother nurse?
I'm meditating on the cellular
my midichlorian organ is buzzing like a church!
No matter measure of endeavor
light speed hyper space ever near to the source
Inhale trees Exhale breeze Interstellar
Entwined and unleashed all is bound to the Force
You were told many times before
Now they all come as remembering
Thank God for preparing
myself for this feeling
For it is overwhelming
Although I am grateful
That now, there is no suffering
A distinct and separate
yet familiar force
And now, it is not consuming
Yet still overwhelming
Thank you for letting me learn
such power in surrendering.
It springs voluntarily,
...it's like a small voice
An invisible separator, and
An unseen magnet...
Amidst overwhelming crowds in your life
You step back.....you analyze.....
Pleasantries...short or long, are flowery
Nonstop gratitude is inebriating
What could be better,
...than, all at once,
From out of the blue
...a rainbow will appear
A kind of force is born
...for both giver and receiver
An energy that draws eyes, attention
...it's like waking up from a long sleep,
Pulls like a magnet...an irresistible force,
That invites, with open arms
...it's like hearing a voice, saying:
"You belong here, with me, baby,
Copyright October 22, 2016
Rosalia Rosario A. Bayan