Making the most of my day
Riding back and fourth from station's
139 poems wrote
But the route never changes
Blasting pop punk anthems to get me by
Instead of dwelling in my room furthering connection with the outside
On mission with no destination
To find the people or place that feels like home
A community found when the lights go down and the band  starts to play
My 140th poem wrote on the same bus heading the opposite way
Slightly less lost

The ocean becomes my temperament vicious and uncalculated
Breaching boundaries and flooding streets with emotions  
Tidal wave's pull me under
But I still feel your light no matter how deep I delve
You became a new sun when my head convinced me my world had ended
And after all this time I've realized saving my self Is more important than saving grace so strike me down if I'm the devil in myself
Causing plague and disease in my own head .

I wake up every other day wishing I could just **** the pain
Or just jump ship and never see another again
This ship is sinking
In this sea of thoughts and feelings
Then you notice your phone there's a message at the tone
Her voice rings through your soul
Your my symbol of hope
A SOS when i feel alone
Take a shower
Watch the water drain away
Wishing it could carry the pain away
I'll hold my breath, I'll tempt death
But in those moments
My body and mind are side by side
I can feel the water in my eyes
I guess this is how it is to be alive
Get up, get dressed and meet your girl
I'll find the strength even at my lowest depths just to see her smile
I'll never let her see that side
That's the only secret I'll ever hide
Reject that frown
I'll never let this ship go down
Even when I'm sinking she makes me float
She's the life raft and I'm the boat
And I don't understand why she's given me a chance just some lonely broken kid with a fake smile and nothing much to give chilling in a maiden shirt listening to offspring
I'm not her Normal type
From the lowest of all clicks
The bottom of the food chain
A goldfish in the ocean
Take a deep breath you're going under
The currents pulling your mind astray
Drowning in my bottled up ways
You'll talk on the phone
Just so she can moan about
All her worries and her fears and  the occasional tears
But you don't mind
You're her rock in her hard time
The thoughts in your head decline and you're no longer stranded out at tide  
That fake smile you provide is Keeping her alive
If only you knew you're the picture in her head
The strength that pulls her out of bed
And you don't understand why she's given you a chance.

I felt my organs fighting a good fight
But my body giving in
Declining the offering of nutrients
Do you remember I told you I was going to die?
Do you remember telling me I was the apple of you eye
But I wouldn't even eat the fruit they gave me
The next morning I woke with you by my side
Worrying I didn't make it through the night
And dissent dreams of eating at restaurant's
Feeling out of sight.

I  grew up childishly neglected my emotions
Because I got taught the stereotype of a man
Nothing more than a teenage boy crying into a pillow
Keeping the noise low
And his eyes dry before his mother comes  home

From inside I'll build a prison
Bricks of self deprivation and hate
There won't be bars on the windows
Just flowery curtains
Because it's a choice to neglect the light of day
Piles of new clothes built up
But I'll kick around in this old hood
And watch the days fade
I honestly believe I'll look back  and dwell on the days I waste
But it's hard to break a cycle created by a mental cage.

I try too hard to give everything and leave my needs unspoken
Because I'm scared of stepping on toes
It becomes a cycle of me apologising
If I choose to speak up
So walk over me
Because I tried to hold you up and fell underneath you.

Put your demons in a chokehold
And refuse them room to breathe
Let them lay doorment
In a bed more comparable to a tomb
Like they've spent years doing to you

I've always had trouble expressing my emotions
Constantly shoveling coal into a fire that needs to be tamed
Leaving me mentally deflated
But also ready to expload
My nails dug up skin
Scratch marks in moments with a lack of thought
Burning Running down my finger tips
Where i make connection with a pen
The ink finds words I can't quite form, even though the deliverence isn't always what I pictured
Its the sweetest release I'll receive

One day you'll see my words
On every hipster boy and girl's Instagram pages
And it might not seem like much
But least I successfully achieved what I said I would
Disbelievers will be believer's
Don't be deceived by people who tell you can't achieve
Hold tightly onto your dreams.

Your own son said you're as good as dead
But you're not
You're the strongest person I've ever known
No matter the weather rain or snow
You always brought the bread home
Remember you're my idol the reason I kept fighting
I know you're forgetting things lately
Like names,numbers and even your payments
But I'll never forget you're the strongest person I've ever known
The ghost stories you told me and my sister
Have nothing on the horrors you faced
The ****** in the story couldn't compete with you
You fought a good fight
Won a war
Wear pink with pride
But it all changed when he died
You gave up your home
Because they said you couldn't manage alone  
But you're still, I hope you know
The strongest person I'll ever know

Chasing ghosts through a fountain
Hoping when my eyes clear from this momentary blindness
You'll be right behind me
Holding me up when I feel haunted in the middle of the day

I hold faith in one hand
But he's not been my friend lately
He's joined the weight that bounds  my ankle
With one hand behind my back
I decided to put faith in myself

At the start we fought and argued
Trying to find some common ground
But now those days are gone
We could conquer empires

My mind's been so empty
Since my life's been going right
Like I can only pull word's
From a clouded mind  
Sadness and hope
Used to be my muse
What once was a burden
Brought such a gift

I've got so much to say but my words fail the capability of causing release
so I turn to smashing my fist against the wall leaving blood spots on your calendar  
Exactly June the 24th so I always remember the day I tried to make the pain go away
The scratches on my legs from everytime I got bruised or bent are never deep enough to leave a permanent reminder
Maybe I need a voice sometimes to drown out my own
Sit there and moan about the bands we love and how generic they've grown
For years I've been a closed book
Stuck on a chapter with all my words thoroughly jumbled up
In fear of being seen as vulnerable and just a little ****** up
Shape me like glass so you can see right through
I've stopped giving my emotions the cold shoulder
Wasting my none to little time Circling my head with heated convosations and evaporation
I've come to realise I'm a gray cloud that needs a release
And a downpour would do us all a favour.

Inhale, exhale
Breath you in and out
I may get tired and worn out
But giving up on you is something I won't do
While I have air in my lungs
And a heart that craves to be what you call home

I'll remind you everything is temporary this time next year
When your mother doesn't wake no more
And your youthful looks have gone

I've formed and delivered the words I love you  
But if this is love
I've never meant it before
I may never be forgiven for breaking hearts
But please take comfort In
Knowing true love can be found

I'm doing this to appease myself and for my own well being aswell, I'm more than happy to tell both sides of the story and leave no stones un turned, a relationship turned toxic
By a adversary of our own creation
Clinging onto positives and emotions that where getting out weighed
We spoke an spoke and even prayed for change
Took a look from evey angle
The love remained
But the pace originally set had changed
Two perspectives running in different directions
Once emotions are involved it's not easy to escape
Bound down to the bottom of the lake
Where we both drown,
But eventually Break the emotional chains and float  to the surface unscaved

I could turn my skin platinum
But never meet your standards
Because blonde haired girls
Don't like ***** skinned boys

Fighting an everlasting battle
That no one can win
I've been holding my ground
But I've forgotten what my footprints look like and the pattern at the bottom of my shoe when I've made progress

When I had noting  
I tried give everything to the wrong person
While you watched through the window braving the weather  
Now I have everything
And I'll keep the rain off  your back and the wolf from the door
We still struggle once more  
But we'll brave the weather

What if I'm no better than what you've already tasted
Another sample of rotten fruit
Skin fresh and ripe
With a sour taste on the inside

I haven't had the time to write many lines
Because I've come clean
Given up Living for the weekends
I used to leave days open
Now all I have is a calendar full off dates and times
I started living life
But I spend my weeks in your dorm dieing on a Friday when you've got to go home

Caught up in a paradox
Missing you before you arrive
And just before you leave
But also dreading the imbetween
The count down period for when you leave
We only get one night
But I'll hold it together
Fight the urge to cry
Knowing the next one is in plain sight

Good moments are like tattoo removals
Gone and easy to forget
But the bad ones haunt constantly
Like the art that tarnishers my skin

I tattoo my thoughts to paper
Hoping that someday somebody will read a line that will change there mind
Help them grow and add new direction to there life
But sadly all my poems aren't joyful and happy
In ten years time I want to look back
And realise I survived the times I thought were darkest
I just want People to realise there not alone  
it's more common than you know
And Evey hurdle is there to be conquered
Just take the time and analyse
In the deepest breaths you'll find a way around

Bleeding gums
Drowning in the sweetest of taste's
You're everything that my dentist hates
Brace for the feeling
Of teeth falling out of place
Forever waiting on loves sweet grace
Something that no one eles can replicate
Counterbalance and cleanse the palate
Help me disengage from the kiss of a snake
And the blood raining down my face
Clotting in your name
Because this is loves true kiss
A feeling of bliss
I could never get anywhere eles

Trying to find the right passage in every verse that leads to the better ending
The one where all the characters survive with peace of mind, no consultation
I can't keep consantration
I need to keep this pace
No hesitation
Keep turning the page no matter what bookmarks get in the way
I'm a none believer in the yelnats curse
I need to keep this pace
Every unpronounceable word like a three legged race
My body is screaming determination while my mind is saying just give up
Sometimes the screams black out the counterparts but sometimes it's just not enough
I'll make it through these mind fields
Take a chance on these steady hands
Keep turning the page no matter what book marks get in the way
I find no refuge in the blurb on the back
I feel the nostalgia of being at school and not haveing the best grasp on life to tell the truth
I know it sounds strange but I'm getting the hang of turning the page

For four hours
I thought of nothing but the love we made and the food we ate
Empty inside
But not just hungry
I'm terrified of starving
I'm petrified of love
It takes more thought to conjure these words than any poem ever could.

The stones in my shoes remind me of you
A reflection of my regrets and failures
We'd talk endlessly
About nothing really
Just the perfect fairy tale we built in our own heads
I fell for your spell your deceptive nature worked so well
Like a lamb to the slaughter
You lead my like the piper hypnotized by words and lies
You built me up to bring me down from the safety of your screen
You became my world my everything my refuge from reality
A faceless voice behind a screen
A touch without feeling
You fed my dreams and desires until I couldn't eat no more
I let down my defence's
You seiged my castle walls
While I was battling a dragon in my own halls
But how was I to know you where only there to let the dragon in
You're the witch not the heroine
You made me believe I was weak and needed saving
You're the nightmare in my fairy tale
You're the wolf in my bed but this time I'll take off your head

We sit and dwell
Waiting on clear skies and our skin to do the same
I'm trying to write down my heart
Mint condition filted out
A myth of perfection
You can't move forward from inside a box
Does it sound like I'm failing or giving all I've got?
When I was younger
I'd have laughed it off
If you'd have told me I'd write with so much feeling
If I say I'm writing down my heart
Does it sound like I'm failing or giving all I've got?
Words on paper give me so much comfort
When the words inside my head manage to loose meaning when they reach my tongue
Pushing myself to just get through a day
While words push back through gritted teeth
No matter the forces that come into play
I always find myself with pen in hand
Does it sound like I'm failing?

I'll gain weight again
By medicating my worries
Till they slip out of sight and my mind feels alright to stand and fight
I know they'll always be there
Enimies waiting at the gate
For the slightest chance to make a charge
But least I'll be gaining, and slowly loosing the only weight that I shouldn't have been bearing

Under my Jean folds
There lies a world of art
An octopus and a ghost under the calf
The front harbours an alien
Craving validation
And to be  more than just a figure head
Mocked by the words on his shoulder
And his challenger to the right
His fight will be permanent
Staking claim to the land he occupies
Blank spaces are new territories to be claimed
And named
After the Victors of a minor sting

Life isn't a enemy to anyone
But the dead

Let me hold you by the throat and take your breath away
Watch you choke out the words I love you
But it always sounds the same

I take a bath
You guard the door
To make sure I don't do anything to escape from this life
My mind drifts across the surface
Submerged with ideas
I forget what made me want to leave
The only thing that remains is a new chapter written on a half soaked page

Funeral day
The death of my apathy
The people around me cried
Before and after
I couldn't shed a single tear
I couldn't feel anything
Except the cold of the graveyard
Tugging on my shirt
Simply numb at best
I hope my heart of stone
Breaks in this pile of soil
I throw upon your final rest
Am I broken, dead inside
Watching my own burial
From someone eles eyes

She says he's Siamese
I swear to god I've seen him read
The newspaper that layers his floor
It tells him the enemy and let's him know the saviour
He's learning humanities faults and failures
I can hear the cats talking loudly late at night in there native tongue
Debating if this is the place to be
There only evidence is the propaganda forced into where they sleep

Can you imagine growing old without the self love you're truely owed
Looking for validation
From the Joker in the pack
Offered a hand
Not dealt to plan
That no one really understands
And believe me
You'll receive nothing much eles
But the cards you're dealt
And the self love that you've earned for yourself

I used to take baths every few hours
Just so time would pass through my fingers like water
Uncontainable like the power my brain held over what remained of me
Fragile has my back hit the bottom
A thin layer of flesh couldn't protect
All I could fathom was metal against bone
Not the comfort I'd once know
But still the warmest I'd been since I'd taken off my clothes
The slightest cold found easy passage to my bones
Wasting time waiting for my body clock to run down
So I could taste the sweet taste of what my body needed
what I forcefully took away from myself
Punishment was all i gifted
Has it hit twelve
For some reason I believed it was fine to eat again
But I could never compete with the two thousand needed to maintain or a score greater to gain.

The sweltering summer's heat
Consumed me the first time that  we got to meet
A year in the making
But still I choked
Has my arm's missed it's target once aimed
My lips met your teeth
And all day we couldn't eat
Praying for more time
At the end of a week
When I had to leave

It's been a horrific few years
Pushing through eating disorders and enough tears to dappen my feet
But never truly drown my demons
Emotions left harbouring inside,
Like the food I stocked in cupboards that I'll never be brave enough to eat
But I've got through the hard times
And I just wish I had someone to tell me everything would be alright
Now I'm left with a body that I despise, but a better frame of mind
Suffering long term for mistakes I thought would make me feel better

I might be in your bad books
But least you've written me down
I know we've got history
In a black book
A front bottoms ticket and relics of unconditional trust
The sort of thing that could break a man
with the code words it's not long now, it's not long I'll see you around
Eight hour round trips worth every mile
Do you remember how we fashioned junk food and late night TV as our new found routine
And I know this Saga is far from over plot twists no blank pages
We won't follow the lines
Stumble into the margin
Avoiding holes pre punched for us
Doodle my my name on almost anything
Least you've written me down.

Mimicking summer from my window
Short sleeves and shorts
The radiator heat, The blue skies and sunshine
YouTube and Trophy eyes lives
Mask and disguise the cold outside
I'll get through these months knowing that summer can be a permanent state of mind

I know that the sun sometimes struggles to break through the clouds
A ball of fire so mighty held down
By the marshmallows of the sky
Even the strong have there set backs

I'm finding hope
In the weirdest of places
Check the cracks in the foundation's
Before you cover them up
Because I'm sure there's something you can take away from every storm
Every fall gives you the chance to stand up tall
Regroup your thoughts
And keep a positive mind set in that head of yours
I've had the strive to survive
In a toxic environment for far too long
Now the saplings have grown
Mighty and strong
Cleansing the air inherited by my lungs

I'm not a master
I'm a slave to the words I've wrote
Because these words haunt
And have never been spoke
Travel down the ear canal
To be met with a abrupt end
They become a language you bearly understand

Art work once hung from walls
Gets trampled into the floor
Has you zone into the smaller details
And zone out from the bigger picture
Neglect and forget all the things you love about yourself