I've grown accustomed to this feeling- rejection, loneliness, self preservation -it is almost comforting, like an old friend, as it slides back into my bones.

It's been 2 years
Thinking about it now,  I can hardly believe it was real
I was drowning inside with pain: while on the outside I was drowning in tears.
My emotions were eating me alive... all i knew was I no longer wanted to feel.
After another family argument I rushed up stairs to the bedrooms
quickly I grabbed the first orange bottle of pills I could find in my aunts room.
Hiding beside my bed with my sister in the room unaware
Desperate for death I force all the pills down my throat.
Once the deed is done , my aunt calls us down to talk
during her lecture, I start to wobble
she asks if I took something but I insist I didn't and that I was just tired.
After a while she realizes what I have done..
though unlike most she found it funny and recorded it on her phone
Finally once I stop responding to things she calls the police...
only one officer showed up
realizing the situation wasn't a joke he gets back-up and medics
I am rushed to the local hospital.. then moved to a more advanced one
As the  doctors and nurses try to save me
I continuously rip out my IV's refusing to live

They are able to put me down.
I wake up 3 days later with dry blood on me and cry because all I wanted was to die .. and I failed.

Have you ever felt so stressed, that the tears fell down your face,
And you didn't even realize they existed?

Have you ever needed love so much, that you cut your skin,
Just to spread numbness through your entire body?

Has it ever happened to you, terrible anxiety seizing your body,
And all you can think about is how sweet poison would taste?

Have you ever swallowed pills,
Just to spit them up as your loved one cries for you to stay with them?

They call it self-harm, and self-destruction, what we do to our bodies,
Yet it's brought on by the environments we're forced into.

The "self-harm" has never been my fault; not really.
It's brought on by this world.
I've only attempted to ease the pain caused by others.