If you said yes,
Then that's it.
You should not have second thought,
Because you'll just hurt someone.**

j.d.p

1.) I never liked how I always felt like I was suffocating under the conviction that you were counting down the days to leaving an equation of your life that included me in the numbers and I never liked how I brushed it off under the false pretense that you were terrible at math.

2.) Every word you said was so lucid and real it felt like putting out a cigarette on my skin after asking for an ashtray a hundred times you're the one who pulled me out of my poetic dream-state so hard that I choked on condensation ice crystals from the clouds below me and now I am tied to the ground like a dog and I miss flying like that.

3.) I tasted her in the way you kissed me since the moment we met and I wanted to lock down every word I told you and erase everything that's been written for you but I didn't say anything because I was scared that I would float away without you.

4.) You came back and expected me to be fourteen and looking for someone to love me so hard that they fix me. Since your absence I had learned the hard way I don't need to be fixed. And even if I did, you would have never made a merciful god.

5.) I could sense the way you wanted control over me like a lion to its prey and feeling like I was being stalked by someone I tried to convince myself I loved was almost as exhausting as pretending I didn't notice.

6.) I was only beautiful on days you were drunk and wanted to outline the shape of my hips and I tried so hard to leave my consciousness in the other room while you never showed the decency to stay after you were finished with me because being used is better than being replaced.

7.) I shared the small things that brightened my heavy rain days with you. You made me feel like I was trying to plug in a nightlight in the middle of the dark.

8.) You devastated me and told me that's what love feels like; I still have moments of panic at sincerity and kind words seem foreign against the misery soaked syllables you broke me down and replaced me with.

9.) You did all of it because you were bored of watching the clock tick and you figured passing the time by ruining me was easier than repenting on the ways you've ruined other sad girls with cold hands.

10.) I was so used to throwing coins in the air hoping they would give me a heads or tail answer if dying would be easier than missing you forever that I didn't even notice when I ran out of money.

I wish someone taught me how healing hugs can be. I would have hugged you so tight until you felt whole and more again.  (even though hugs make me feel so awkward)

I wish someone taught me how comforting holding someone can be. I would have clung to you, held your hand, and even cuddled you so close until you realize that I really really do love you in every way I can. (even though I will fear that you’ll think me too clingy and stifling to keep)

I wish someone taught me how reassuring spoken affection can be. I would have told you I love you over and over again until they get through your walls and erase the doubt and insecurities that you keep hidden and buried.
(even though those words feels foreign to my tongue and and they end up stumbling one after the other)

I wish someone taught me how to be thankful for simple things. I would have treasured each awkward gesture of  affection you threw my way if I knew I’ll be deprived of it in the future.

I would have laughed at your jokes harder if I knew I wouldn’t get to hear them again.

I would have smiled at you more if I knew I wouldn’t get the chance to see you smile back again.

I just wish you told me before making the decision your own. I would have begged you otherwise. (I would have groveled and pleaded with my own life. )

I wish you held on just a little bit longer. I would have pulled you up with all my might until these weak bones of mine break.

And I wish someone taught me how to love. I would have loved you better. Would have loved you harder if by doing so would make you love yourself.

You've never called me "beautiful."

...I would remember if you did.