Time stood still that day, for me it never really caught back up again . I can still see that black smudge mark on the pristine white wall, it was what I focused on thoughout the pain,

You entered my world and within seconds you left again, I'll never forget that eerie silence,with just the ticking of the clock to be heard, and the nurse's face, how quickly the colour drained.

I knew at that moment but I still waited, hoping to hear the cry that never happened.Now I'm left with an emptiness no one can fill, The worst thing was the waiting, hearing cries from all other room except this one... but wait there were cries here, mine.

How can they tell me to move on?

How can they make out you never exsisted?

I still have the swollen ******* that have harden where you're not there to suckle the milk from them, I still see mum's with their newborns in the street, yet I come home and your room is empty where they packed your things away and repainted it a dull yellow.

I want to scream, but I don't, I just give a small smile, what's the point of saying anything they think I need help anyway.

You were a part of me, everytime you moved I felt it, I knew when you had hiccups cause it felt like a bouncing ball in my stomach,and at night you reminded me you were still there with your kicks to my ribs I'd already fallen in love with you, maybe that's why time can't move on, for I pray to go back to the seconds before that final push, when you and I were still connected, maybe than I could change the outcome, but that's not going to happen is it?

What I can't understand is why, why let the whole nine months go by so fantastically, I was glowing now my world is dark, just darkness with no light at the end of the tunnel.

I pray you saw that light and it took you to that better place, where one day we'll meet again. Until that day my life will be stuck reliving those seconds you were still there inside of me, I'll still feel your heart beating next to mine, and you will not have died.

I’ve shifted again
cloned to this moment
movement saturated with magnetic attraction
Birds clothed with daunting spiral screeches
dives
into
black berry pie

Grandma’s hands veined with my spirit
called me to the pitchers mound
I see a possibility and I aim,
my spine speaks the diatribe of loosing
but my heart is snickering like an older brother
laughing out loud, copying my every word

( I am confused and a bit angry)

this a proven tactic my world seems to set loose on my
Learning.

Right then?

I care for naught; my heart nor my head
So then I think

Who am I?

I am suspended above likeness
Above suspicion
Above the ‘norm’
I am loose and I fit into groves
like extended membrane of rats
inside the crush of cellophane noise
four years old at christmas unwrapping gifts
freely expecting life to deliver

but a father, a mother, a friend, a stranger
warps my view
black like blue

Clothed in sound
It is almost assured the sun will shine today
It is almost assured the grass will grow
It is almost assured I will become more

Scene 2: I am back on the pitchers mound
the screaming errupts
such unruly delight from the crowd of my memories
going back seems deafining

I throw the ball
I hear a crack
my within and without
assembles like crosswords on Sunday
sound becomes me
the life I know
knows me
(we’ve been friends thoughout time and beyond)

all at once I catch up to the knitting of dreams and beliefs
Into something ‘not known before’

Pearls made from sand
ENTIRE STRAND…

I understand there is more than mind and heart
( blasphemy?)
I understand there is space between the moments
between breathing in and out

Oh sweet spot transition!

Crack….

Here I am

Right where I am

using the substance between the seeming separation
as starting point
of all I deem real

Linaji 2011

Sometimes I wonder if I’m mad or if it is a joke,
Because of all the love I get it makes me want to choke.
For it is so plentiful its hard to swallow in one bite,
But then I close my eyes and choke it down with all my might!
I can feel it slide through my throat and then it hits my belly,
Were I in my stomach right now, I’d have to wear giant love wellies.

The feeling I get starts at my heart then travels to my center,
The warm fuzzies were on attack again as soon as they did enter.
I start to get all tingly as this feeling travels through my body,
Warming every part, even my knees though they be shoddy.
It continues down thoughout my legs until it hits my toes,
Flushing out all my sorrows and everything that blows.

Then it starts back upwards, straight into my head,
It ***** up what I was thinking, filling me with you instead.
My brain gets all silly and can’t remember things,
Flooded with the thought of you and what our future brings.
The love that I feel back for you is more than sick and wrong,
‘Twould make a super strength ****** want to sing a heartfelt song.

I know it’s kinda early, and maybe I should guard my heart,
But I just cannot help myself, I want to give you every part.
I am blithe to share this love and get some back from you,
For I thought there was no hope and love to me had bid adieu.

So now I have to thank you for this gift you have given me,
For without it I’d be happy, but not as happy as could be.
Because when I take a look inside it makes me understand,
Before I had you and all this love my life was rather bland

Her curiousity calls, my interest stolen
A spirit about her face, when she, seeing
This wonderlust, inescapable, mine,
Yet temporary, as is this.

She emanates a significance,
I can't
resist escaping my chrysalis.

Tasteless, the breath of polluted life I savor
But for a moment. This purest waste it's haste to be expelled back to the sheltered waters which I dwell. Safe now, it sifts back to rest complete amongst the volume I've employed, until I deem its time to feed and shelter with my form.

I float above the seaswept alleys, scrutinizing the bones below, my home, the city of apathy and ruin.
The displacement of my passage rends the ocean in its vastness cleanly. Silent echoes vexed and roiling against the vacant ruins now follow me like nascent hounds. Warily I scale the depths to assess the source of my intruige, and see the obscure sky that holds the gleaming fires of sunset atop it's surface.

"How long have I been here?"
I wonder, and begin to see my real self, sitting on the floor of a home. I feel the ocean and focus my will to observe what caught my interest.

Then sight beholden a paradox,
An encounter fate withheld to ensure
The prospect flounder in a grave I dug years before. The living dead, the myths of old, gods, demons, angels, magic. I found it odd, how deeply painful and tragic my choice to discard my hope for a mask.
No longer.

I am now captivated, yet not by her body,
Enthralled, yet not by her sophistication.
These marked her ardent spirit of royal eloquence, but the intense affirmation held within the emerald sockets that could stop  sense of self when our eye's crossed paths into the traps willingly sprung.

Ah, the fool I'd be to attempt conversing with just a whim, without consent, without intruige!

Then, a wink.

This invitation sent so soon, to someone gazing from another room
She waded to me, half a grin, wry & ****
Effectively stopping all pretense of conscious thought, Instinctually I prevented the dropping of my jaw, and stopped my brain from shutting off completely, or tried to anyways.
She was getting closer, steady pace,
[What should I do now? I'm drowning in my own self doubts. I'm unworthy, a clown in comparison! Maybe she thinks I'm someone else, I'll not allow myself to expect the unexpected route, at most I'm just a simple rebound. ]
This plague of thoughts continued down thinking how I could run away, but I hesitated, and it's too late.
A part of me tries to defer her play. Escape, and drift back beneath the salty waters of marshland behind my eyes, while hers stare deeply into them. My attempts to decline her company are ignored, and I'm stopped. She holds me quietly, the beauty of her eyes a spotlight guiding the search of my face for signs of compliance or defiance.
I'm lost now.
Lost in the eyes of a friend I needed years ago, eyes that match the wonder mine held. They peer through those that cross our path, without fear, or judgment, or expectation. Her golden orbs speak kindly, beautiful they are, and fierce. Her stare holds mine, and though nothing is said, we read the others expressions like two lost strangers, deaf and mute.
Unabashedly she studys the facets of my expression, admitting freely these feelings of intense attraction.
She gently tests the waters that bars my cage, she rests expertly sitting on the floor next to me. She glances up, so close to me now her expression a breathy question.
How long until I could accept her intentions? I feel the shackles release, she coaxed the key from my my captors, thieving crafter of my release. Embracing her comfort and pleasant breeze. I take hold of her arm, then bit her politely, delight shows as she pulled me further from my city of despairity.

Seas now far below, The water from my lungs exchanged, now I sit in this party on the floor with my love without a name. I clutch her hand and grasp her eyes, breathe in deeply the easy air she helped me find. We stand and head outside.

Now the night is brightly lit by the many eye's of Nyx. She watches us watching her content to guide us from afar

We stay quiet, talking with our eyes until arriving at the station, the parking lots border shops finding space to lay and gaze at the mosaic in the sky

Then begins speech unending.

Attention, on her it looks mesmerizing, she began training in the ways of climbing deftly,  then set her sights on the hermit keepers of inner self, squirreled away in the deepest craggy recesses of  their self-isolating depression.
Her gear, well worn yet sturdy, she traversed the labrynths of the soul effortlessly. Astonishing and

The sun, now soon to wake reminds me time is rife to take my soul to depths beneath the motionless sea of my making, while the sunlight in her eyes whispers promises of eternity.
To dream and dread together, weaving webs to shelter those truly free, hungry and helpless, yet gifted with sight to see past the momentary issues, issued to men who believe the promises of those who won't miss you.
People like me, perhaps.
I think.
I sink.
In secret, I flash my contempt for my leviathan below. Resting, waiting. It demands  me to remain and skulk the streets of spines that once belonged to me. I'm kept to entertain the formless ****** that slink like klepto's thoughout my fallen city of memories. It keeps them busy, and when they are I search the ripped seams of pockets in dreams. In them was hidden my stolen key, which without I've forgotten peace.

Beneath the waves I drink the salty brine, my lungs adjust to the viscous salt base liquid,
Above cold white-capped crests oscillate,
I'm tethered here. I admit these weights are present, and **** me if I won't accept it.

My simple mind. Behind these watching eyes dwells my sea, and before the serpent catches me again, I see the soft ember color of her eyes in the distance.

you have to understand
you must read me very carefully
place me in your hand,
under lamplight,
in the quaint corners of this small house that was once home
you can still see my smile
if you flip to the first page
you can still hear my laugh
thoughout this book, I marked it more than once
you can still touch my skin
within the bindings of the paper
and on the last page, you can see
the little girl you wrote so eloquently

Secreted in a padded cell
Inside silently yells
his secrets he won't tell
there goes the medicine bell

She walks filled with nerves
at every sound she swerves
her bravery he deserves
his medicine she serves

As usual he's at the hatch waiting
his demeanour she's contemplating
the system she's hating
no help for him grating

They only want to keep him quiet
so they can sleep well at night
they don't want to hear his plight
or what makes him such a sorry sight

Abandoned and abused at an early age
filled him with sadness and rage
thoughout his life at every stage
he's been locked in some sort of cage

Filled with pity
she can only feel sympathy
she wishes she could challenge the powers that be
and unravel this mans mystery

She sneaks him the key every day
hidden under the plastic tray
but he's never tried to get away
in this solitary he chooses to stay

Maybe life is easier for him here
Set routine, nothing to fear
Out slips a solitary tear
as she hears him say "thank you dear"

My life was hot and heavy,
It was slow and calm,
There was no cool breeze,
It was time for a storm,

I could see how fast you were coming,
The cold front in the bay,
You flew over the hills and valleys,
Nothing could get in your way,

Bringing a few rain drops with the cool air,
You were a welcomed break,
But I never would have gueased,
That you my very core could shake,

I heard the thunder over the horizon,
As the drops their numbers maintain,
Haulting my joyous *****,
Thoughout the falling rain,

Before I could get to cover,
The storm has larger grown,
And hail begins to fall,
But not your full potential shown,

Hiding under anything I can find,
You rip the sky appart,
Then a bolt of lightning,
Strikes directly on my heart,

Engulfed by your storm,
I cannot find my way out,
And shocked by your lightning,
My heart has no more doubt,

I love the thrill of thunder,
But never can I be,
Closer to my true love,
Without the sting of thee,

Hello Old Friend.
How have you been?
It's been awhile since I last seen those tears.
I just want you've known
That my feelings have not grown
We've just changed thoughout the years.

I say I love you, that's a lie.
At times I still wish you would die.
I don't mean to sound that rude, I'm wrong.
Your blue-green eyes are full of pain.
It makes me wonder if you're still sane.
That's a lie, I know you've been ****** up all along.

We use to be so much better.
I thought you were very clever.
You fooled them all, even me.
I wish I could go back and make it clearer,
But I'm talking to the mirror
At the destroyed boy I see.

I wish for you to find someone, one to erase me from your heart while planting a garden over your wounds and be the house for your heart thoughout the storms.

Forgive me.

Thank you.

Adieu.

Rushing and running through a busy day
Good will and laughter thoughout the way

Everyone loves her bright charming smile
how she fiercely keeps it strong all the while

All day far away from her humble abode
Not till the dead of night she returns to a room so cold

Its not the busy day that keeps her from this room
None know she's running from a four by four tomb

The keys rattle as she trembles, placing them in the lock
Bracing herself as she musters up all her courage in stock

Fatigue suddenly overcomes her body while
she removes the mask engraved with the smile

She tosses it on the floor with all the others
Till the next day she'll use one of its brothers

She sits in solitude, in darkness, waiting for them
Having memorized the routine in this forgotten asylum

Help her help her, her pride all vanished  
The demons attack, they'll never be banished

They scratch and claw on her very soul
She didnt know why she paid such a toll

They beat her, break her as they feed off her will
They never slow down, even long after having their fill

Left limp on the floor numb and alone
Nothing ever changes as if written in stone

All she can do now is feel the phantom anchor
Of parts of her slipping every night in this mannor

She stares at her veils spread across the floor
A heavy weight on her chest dragging her down all the more

You'ld think she attends every mascarade ball
With all these visages she's left riddling the hall

Tenderness
is lost after a heart is ****** dry of all it has and is
This
translates to the lack of passion in your voice
(when you say my name)
I can hear the blood being pumped thoughout your body
Your apathy echoes
It projects onto me like a spotlight
I mistake this light for love
For both glisten and reveal
Your face

Talk to me in Spring
of bright and coming things
a butterfly wing of words

Talk to me
in drowsy tones of endless Summer haze
fill the lengthening days

Talk to me
in woodsmoke Autumn,
when the nights close in, begin

Talk to me
wrapped in a cloak of Winter
melt the cold within

Talk to me
walk with me thoughout the year
speak and I will hear

On my shoulder the entire weight of the world I attempt to heft. From future events this trauma has created a theft just know that even with my very last breath I couldn't get any further left. So far left I may never get right. My eyes are quiet gifted in their sight I need a little light just to illuminate the night. The flames in my hell dwindled down and now they don't burn as bright.
Looking for some kind of solace perhaps salvation a world shaking transformation not a simulation but a completely new creation. I may need some confirmation. Indeed I need more information. My patience is short supplied awake sitting on my bed entirely wide eyed everything almost dead inside. Where good and evil were never meant to coincide no one left in which I care to confide my all too frequent thoughts of siuicide. I pray God let's all these transgressions slide die or ride ride the pride right on through to the other side. I am so ready to go back but not to what it was, I can do this much for my cuz just because.
Not like it was before now with myself I'm not so much waging war. I got used to guts glory and gore. More than that I fear losing sight of what I'm fighting for. Cracks in my moral code buried deep inside my very core.  God opens a window when he slams a door. To the heavens above I implore. I know I can handle whatever date destiny has in store. With every word myself  my soul I outpour. I'm not even sure what to do anymore
The personality I display is not the person I am trying to portray but the person the beasts I conjure continuously betray. Life ful of so much discord and everything is in such disarray cover the stench of decay with deaths bouquet. While like a burning out flame I flicker like I will soon fade away it's all so **** cliche cannot seem to forever hold these demons at bay always it does not matter what I say it is just the same old **** on a different day. No one last listens to me anyway. To prevail I'll have to somehow find another way. Until then I will just breathe and pray. Fatal feelings emotions raw and bare auditory hallucinations wondering if anyone here right now is even really there. There is not another hell that could ever  seem to compare. Spill my secrets I will not dare awake still haunted by my latest nightmares but who the **** cares. might ought to beware when my temper begins to flare I am all about the opportunity and the air. The dead do not seemingly just stare. The hurt is something I don't care to share as I sink into the depths of my very despair. Apparently I am losing bits of myself everywhere.
Near tainted moonlight does not shine into the room there's nothing cutting though this gloom crushed under the weight of the pending doom. Sealing the room like a concrete tomb. Prior activities I assume are safe to resume. Sweat and *** hang thick in the air like a new perfume. Colorful like a peacock's plume don't inhale the solvents toxic fumes the end may be coming all too soon  silvered underneath the eclipse of a neon moon all red assed like a **** baboon acting like some dumb ******* Buffon higher than a **** balloon all drawn out animated like a **** cartoon. It's is all surreal. I can't describe what I even feel spinning around til I start feeling ill the wounds I forever carry never seem to heal. What's the ******* deal If you ask me the whole ordeal is losing it's appeal so please Someone remind me what is even ******* real. the true me I must conceal.
Three parts already dead twisted thoughts run rampant inside of my head. Addiction thoughout my family this disease is widespread. Decency I probably don't have a single shred.
I may continue to stick with just what I know. Rocking this **** bowl. Slowly again losing control. Impossible to console the colder I get the older I grow. Vast hole in my dark desolate soul places I often travel to even angels fear to go shadows pull at me from somewhere down below. I'm more concerned with finding my blow so incomplete how could I ever feel whole.
These drugs that I abuse this ****** up way of life I chose. It's all just an excuse a crutch I use. I once had completely  different views but now it's all usually just more bad news memories I confuse I am better off wheny demons turn me loose.
So much that I have lost will one day be found. Nothing and no one can continue to hold me down I'm going to turn it all around. Come back up from the very ground. No more white noise for me to drown blaring in stereo surround sound. To the ties that bind by blood I am bound. Ambitions guarded by this nefarious hellhound. Myself I still somehow astound thought rather profound.
I am not Silver I'm Tarnished her evil ******* twin another washed  up has been stuck inside the costume I wore way back when. Headed right around the bend being serenaded by the wind. Notify my next of kin that I am heading for the ****** bin for attempt to slay the beast with just a bobby pin. Uncomfortable in my own skin sitting here in a world of make believe and pretend.