"nauseates" poems
Alcoholism took my father away from me.
I watched him destroy his life from the age of five.
When Austin left us- I watched his life shatter completely.
I started to plink away on the piano.
Then he started to pick up the pieces.
He got his life together, remarried, and is trying to repay a lost childhood.
So I continue to play.
Now, I'm watching both my sister's life come to crumbles at the lips of a bottle.
So I play louder.
One has gone to rehab for drugs and alcohol.
She is getting better- back on her feet.
The other has moved out and cut off communication with our Father.
So I keep playing.
I'll write a sonng or two for you-
and I'll wait for you to come home.
All I've ever known alcohol to do- is destroy.
And people wonder why the smell nauseates me..
Jun 16, 2014
Jun 16, 2014 at 12:02 AM UTC
Sometimes I love you and it's just
Painful
Too painful for me to continue
For me to fathom what's wrong
For me to discern reality from illusions
For me to comprehend your lies.
Sometimes I hate you and it just
*****
Yeah, I said it. Hating you
*****
Because life is a lie, love is a lie,
My hate for you is a lie-
Or is it the truth?
I don't know anymore.
Sometimes I ignore you and it's just
Pure
Bliss
I close my eyes and ignore you
I clap my hands over my ears
Pretend I don't hear you
Pretend I don't see you
Pretend I don't feel you
Like I did that night
Which was sprinkled with stars like
Icing
Icing on a cupcake.
Sometimes I remember you and it's just
Horrifying
Two conflicting emotions of deep within battle
Fight to seek dominance and reassurance
Your love nauseates me and excites me
Because I remember drunken words full of poisoned love
And I recall your touch that used to heal
But now it burns and forever it will hurt
It burns and flares greater than any cursed fire.
Sometimes I love you, and hate you
Sometimes I ignore you, and remember you
And life isn't what it used to be
It's no longer a fairytale
It holds no dram of mercy
And love for you is so conflicting
So contradicting, so confusing
Like yin and yang or something more
Faded lines, blurred lies and tear-streaked whispers...
Sometimes, I think that
Me
Loving
You
Isn't that worthwhile anymore.
Jun 25, 2013
Jun 25, 2013 at 12:25 PM UTC
The doubt is encircling
The negativity nauseates
My inner soul
I can't control what you think
Of me
The one you claim to love,
To want,
To need,
To treat better.
I guess a mistake is better left unspoken
But then where's the truth?
In the corner,
Broken?
For the amount you claim
To put out
I get out nothing,
But this heartbroken drought
And you ******* believe,
That I live for these doubts?
And what's perfect,
Is you're something I can't live without
I can't take all this hurt
Steal a glance, walk away
Can't breathe deep
And rewind
So it all goes away
No no no
Your blows are something that won't start to stray
They will stay
And will stay
And will stay and watch me
All
Day
It may sound cliche
But it always rings true:
I can never escape
When my heart lies with you.
Aug 31, 2011
Aug 31, 2011 at 9:52 PM UTC
Ive let you in over and over
trusted in what was said
seeing as how I love you
Now I grow tired of it all
breaks my mind
from a sound sleep, I'll never to get back
Trusted what you've said so many times
It nauseates me to know
I have done it again
Same tricks
Same lies
Same speech
Fallen for you and I know I always will
The deception will never cease
And I should be used to it by now
It is hard living with myself
May 31, 2013
May 31, 2013 at 10:08 AM UTC
Eyes fixed on a flickering screen.
Yesterday’s dinner caking itself to the plate.
Sheets itching to get off the mattress
all while you lay there in your filth.
The air of stale sweat and fast food
no longer itches your nose or nauseates.
Instead, it’s aroma seduces you
into staying here another hour.
Open the window for some air?
No, that would ruin the illusion.
Stay here until there’s nothing else to do;
until the shops are shut and your friends are asleep
and the whole world is sleeping with them.
Stay here until the air runs out
with eyes fixed on a flickering screen.
Jan 27, 2017
Jan 27, 2017 at 2:50 PM UTC
My body is overwhelmed with a deep gut wrenching feeling
One that sickens your motivation and nauseates the core of your soul.
I know I made the wrong mistakes
Flipped, turned the page without even reading what the story entailed
Wish I wouldn't have turned that book in
Its been checked out by another and who knows if it'll ever be returned.
It's one of those feelings, the kind that leaves you catatonic
Things don't make sense and I'm losing consciousness at elevated peaks
Reality is a karmic reminder which feeds me to a daily treat
Stuffing me with flashbacks of all the wrongs where I knew it was right
I'd like to say "this too shall pass" but it hasn't and I'm not sure it ever will
Its been years, feeling like a lifetime
This burden has burrowed into my heart
Leaving traces of you, leaving remnants of what was once created
This burning desire remains at stake
If it's going to live within me forever
Tall tale sign of regret,
Please, someone throw some water on me
As if it were a baptism
Wake me up and release the chemicals that drown me into this lake of fire
Apr 5, 2015
Apr 5, 2015 at 2:56 AM UTC
Malnourished and battered, he shades himself beneath a tree of oak
Worn from the arduous weight of responsibility
Sunken eyes and filthy hair, baking in the sun
Among the rotting, sickly sweet perfume of tender fruit deferred past its peak
It sinks deeper through the dirt
Decomposing into soil around his tattered heels
A smell that nauseates him but amplifies his growling intestine
Foul corpses lay among him, tempting a moments satisfaction
To relieve the pain of being a beating heart wrapped tight in flesh
Fighting against the black staining his exposed legs
A newly ripe pomegranate glistening at him from above
The sweetest taste he can fathom an arm's reach from the pit
But too weak to stand he admires from a distance
As the festering pulp claims him as its own
Jul 18, 2016
Jul 18, 2016 at 4:22 PM UTC
It’s there when you find yourself in panic, wandering alone in the middle of the night for a glass of water.
It’s there when you find yourself facing your living room, silent and dark.
It’s looking back to you, as you quickly run up the steps and close your bedroom door in fear that it will follow you.
It’s there when you’re laying in bed and a feeling of regret comes within. The feeling gathered from all of your misfortunes in life and you wondering why you feel this way.
You wondering why you feel so helpless, a sour feeling in the pit of your chest.
You wondering why no one else can see the struggle you bring when you face others.
You worrying yourself over one life, your life, in which brings you to tears and the world feels as if it is closing in on you.
It’s in the darkest corner of your bedroom.
A cloud of dark horror that you cannot distinguish.
You believe it to be a black hallucination as the cloud nauseates in its place.
It’s there in your classroom.
A dull, lifeless thought fighting its way into the back of your mind.
It’s hovering over you, as you contemplate whether or not you should speak.
Whether or not you should gather your things, stand up, and get out.
It’s there for you when you get out.
It’s there for you when the pressure in your chest is aching so heavily and the noises downstairs don’t seem to quiet down.
It’s there when the voices from the outside are not enough to overpower the voices in your mind telling you to listen to them tell you that you will need to cover your eyes and not pay attention to it.
It’s there for you when you need to swallow away the voices in your mind so you can focus on their voices rather than listen to your own.
It’s there for you when you swallow away the voices in which they told you to avoid.
It’s watching you as you lay your head on your pillow and shift your head to meet it directly.
It’s watching you as you watch their faces appear in confusion and guilt, as all the timing in your world comes to a close.
It’s watching you shut your eyes.
It’s watching you, but you wouldn’t know.
Dec 15, 2018
Dec 15, 2018 at 11:11 PM UTC
I can handle blood, okay?
Knuckles when my wraps are loose
Sucker punches to the nose
Scalpels, scissors, screws
When the first incision flows
What I can't handle
Is knowing that I could slip from your mind
Into a pile of spontaneous moments
A slew of songs and stars
A collection of couches and cars
I check my phone too often now
So do not disturb stays on
Because when I do it,
Your message lives in a paradox of quantum superposition
Both sent and unsent, simultaneously
I don't have to wait in pain for pings
To remind me that you care
You crush me with care
But I will have to leave
My land of delusion
State of confusion
Cut off the perfusion
And come to a conclusion
My conclusion is:
I hate that my heart hurts
I hate reality sinking in
I hate leaving behind sparkles
Why couldn't they just stay locked up
In my all-too-familiar bottle of prosecco?
Why did you have to shake it up
And leave shimmer all over me?
Why do you make me want to
Sacrifice precious sleep
For another chance to impress you
And make you want me again?
I'm now not-so-subtle
Which nauseates me more
Than waiting for the first cut
Because you made me care
What a concept!
I don't know if it's a nerve block or what
But I once was feeling stuck
And now I can breathe again
I don't even know what I leave you with
So I will start with words
And Christmas lights
I hope you hang up Christmas lights
I'll stay in my world of romanticism
While methodically trying to not seem crazy
I'm never like this
But there's just something about you
That has made me want to write poetry again.
Nov 22, 2023
Nov 22, 2023 at 12:41 AM UTC
tear it from my body- inky tendril by tendril
fused into my spine- commanding me when I'm nervous
I'm swinging from a pendulum, so high I'd crack my skull if I fell
choke it down so far down- the black phlegm that lines my lungs
that spit soaked yarn expanding- and collapsing with my breathing
I laugh behind a palm that hides black spores
eyes so dead behind my smiles
coughing- spitting up tar so vile it nauseates
I sleep with all the shards haunting my peripheral
fragmented memories pungent with
emotions I can't soak off
scrub and scrub- wish to rinse off down a drain
how is no one else seeing the stains-
that coat my skin in layers of ink
dripping from my skin and splashing with every step I take
Nov 5, 2024
Nov 5, 2024 at 5:59 AM UTC