[Intro]
Ah, it's a plane, it's a bird, it's a zombie, hahaha

[Verse 1: Meech]
The highest high, I'm Ayatollah
Rubber on my ****, allergic to baby strollers
Blue dream, that amazing odor
Ant is a pyrex, I'm the coke and the baking soda
Juice be the blue flame that create the whole thing
Rap game, crack game, apparently the same thing
If this was eighty-something I'd be in shell toes
Gucci link fat rings ashy *** elbows
Saving every penny trying to get up out this hell hole
For my super-thugs, hustling up off the jail phone
Life's a battle fool you better have your weapon drawn
How could I be scared of death, *****, I'm already gone
Money on my mind, your ***** on my zipper
Breaking up pound after pound, THC on every finger
You gon' need a boost from God to get as high as me *****
Excuse me, I meant to say as high as we *****

[Bridge]
Flatbush Zombie, A$AP Mobbin'
Hit a killswitch and put an end to any problem

[Verse 2: Juice]
Hash and ****, hash in a ****
Got **** by the ton, got blow by the load
If you wanna get throwed, A$AP Ant got the po-tion
Three fly *** ******* with we
Double-cupped them double D's
Hi-high *****, hi-high living
Three young *** ****** running ****, no slipping
Gotta know the game, gotta know the lane
Gotta know the pain, no handouts, ain't **** easy
Dark shades, on my Eazy-E, got ******* on my mini-me
And you ****** in the rap game can't relate
I'm real pimping, no fornicating
**** what you heard, I'm goin' ape
Smokin Grape Ape, **** your mixtape
That's a **** plate, Zombie style
A$AP, never mind these clowns
I love brain, zombie style, never mind these clouds

[Interlude: A$AP Ant]
Juice pass me the ****, Meech where the acid at?
A$AP Ant in this *****, uh

[Verse 3: A$AP Ant]
I'm a demon triple beaming, painting pictures
****** Mona Lisa, blood sheets, creeping for the *******
With the collar danny's, killing ******* sniffing *******
***** Wonka candy *****, three ******, one *****, one clip
One brain dead girl off your mind leave your brains on your moms
Razor blades dipped in bleach, tear your skin to pieces
Dump the body in Tennessee, highway getaway OJ bronco
Cap it baby drive 'em off the bridge, look into my eyes, vivid tears
I see fear, y'all some ******' queers
Grow a ******' pair, I'm 'posed to be here
'posed to be dead, overdosed on shrooms
Let's cruise, drive by on site
Ride like a bike, for my zombie homies **** tonight

[Bridge]

[Verse 4: A$AP Rocky]
A$AP ****** we aliens, cold-blooded *****, reptilian
Acid, acid, ambiens, only **** a ***** if she lesbian
Trill ****** run the city, got the key on lock
Juice got the juice, ***** Meech gon' pop
Addie in the Caddy with the heat on ****
When a Mac go brrra cause the beef don't stop, *****
My name is, that pretty *******
From the land of the lost of the gully and the gutta
See the Preds made a toast for the honey and the butter
Only die for two things, that's my money and my mother, *******!
****** know my name, did I stutter?
****** know me, man I keep it one hunna
I'm a stunna, Hood by Air for the summer
Toast to the God and it cost nine hunna
So-so ru-run up if you wanna
Mac in the backpack, right by the Macbook
And I rep that Harlem
And my Zombie ****** straight out of Flatbush

vyvanse, at last, my chance to be
alive, to do, to finish all my
projects, **** I love this job,
I want to dig it all day long

ritalin, my only friend, you'll be
there till the very end, I know
that I am happy now, I
think that I have meaning now,
I wish you wouldn't bring me down, I wish I weren't
running out

adderall, yeah that's my ****,
when addie's there, agree with it,
I'll never stop this addie binge, I know that
I don't have to quit,
my doctor tells me "this is it",
my dealer tells me "this the ****"

I'm happy now it's safe to say the
war on drugs will end today,
amphetamine's the bread we break, the
wedding band that's been exchanged
between this government-sanctioned
pharmaceutical cartel
and the DEA

You hurt and numb me at the same time.

My soul is becoming lifeless.
My eyes feel like they're bleeding.
My heart feels more alive when it skips a couple beats.
I like the feeling of feeling hungry.
I would rather feel the pain of an empty stomach.
My mouth is dry.
My body never sleeps .
I can't feel my face.
My tongue is swollen with bite marks.
My jaw won't stop locking.
My throat is so soar that I can barely swollow.

But you never seem to let me down.

Deep inside my head I am jumping off the tallest mountian and nobody knows.

But you're here to help. Right?

Blood strange to mine, I could get ready to stay dead
I would hate my father for ever having planted me
A tall bird hunched in cold weather
Wild out of the darkness, I knew that living was terrible
The reason for living was to get ready to stay dead
Fear was invented by someone who had never had the fear
Pride, who never had the pride
Love, he called it
My aloneness had been violated
Words are no good;
Just a shape to fill the lack;
Words don’t ever fit.

the first time I ate them
I felt guilty
because all I could think about
was you staring at your ceiling
you were too afraid
to look at the floor
but I'm going to be honest
I want to try more

Won't you keep me dizzy so that I stop spinning
Out of all control when I'm alone

And won't you keep me busy so that I stop snoozing
All the day away when I'm at home

Sing to me, Sera
We're calling you back home
Prozie, Addie, all of our old friends.
Sing to me, Sera
Please don't leave me alone
I want to look at my life through your lens.

Depression- Deb
Suicidal- Sue
Anorexia- Ana
Bulimia- Mia
Self- Harm- Cat
Schizophrenia- Sophie
Bipolar-Bri
ADD/ ADHD- Addie
Ednos- Ellie
OCD- Olive
Borderline- Bella
Paranoia- Perry
Insomnia- Izzy
Maybe, Just maybe our worst nightmares are real.

She's been walking with a limp since before
Selma.. Jim Crow's ****** spit hangs
off of scorched buses.
The glutton oinkers hide behind badges.
Her beige babushka stained with fresh tar and tears.
  She notices a nearby soul case
Posed unto the asphalt as a stiff staple of humanity
Or lack thereof.
16th street stands veiled under a dark,
Heavy mantle.
A blackened institution consumed in conflagration at the hands of
A pointy white hood.
But Addie Mae Collins will live forever
With McNair, Robertson, and Wesley.
So take a look at my body conveniently
Cut up for you.
Reach inside and fish around for character or
Soul.
Kiss my organs and be honestly amused.
When enough is enough, and the coat comes back...

~ will you hate me then of the contra between us two? ~

i like it when you look at me
except
i just don't think
you really look at me
maybe it's because  
i'm not the one you wanted to see
or maybe it's because
i'm looking for
an unspoken apology

i'm really happy
i swear i'm happy
i smile 'til my
face screams
and everyone asks,
"how are you, addie?"

i like it when you think about me
except
i just don't think
you really think about me
maybe it's  because
you don't even know me
or maybe it's because
you see right through me

i'm really okay
i swear i'm okay
i shrug my shoulders
and i sigh all day
and nobody ever asks
"are you sure you're okay?"

And at my new job I am the manager-in-training.

In French it is

“Responsable en formation”

Or as I would say,
Responsible information.

However, I was not responsible in gathering my information.

During my interview, I said masseuse.

Turns out that is heavily connotated and maybe even denotated as a *** word.

I asked if it was the French ending

He said, “No, it’s the happy ending”

Maybe French is only **** because of how much is escapes me.

The opposite reason is why death was never **** to me
because of how much I escaped it

Maybe death finds
Me
****

And Anyway I got the job
And a month later my boss gave to me a T-shirt that said
your table is ready

At first,
Instead of a massage table,
I thought it was a stretcher
And I laughed

I wonder what that means

“You could have died” “you almost died” “it’s a miracle you’re still here”

“we’re /glad/ you’re still here”

Are words I often hear from my doctors
who almost always meet with me pro bono because I am poor, but also interesting

Medically

But they are not words I hear from my mother

Those are the words she saves to give to her 90-something mother-in-law

I say 90-something not because I am careless or inattentive, but because my grandmother Adeline lied about her age so often in her youth, that both she and the government forgot her actual age

The words my mother gives to grandma J upset her.

She is tired of living

Asked all of us to pray for her death

Asked my brother in law to be “to help her get to heaven tonight”
Said “I know you can help me get to heaven tonight” presumably because he works for the cook county coroner's office.

He is a man so jaded that he sometimes can only laugh on the job when he sees particularly trite Chicago suicide notes:

To be fair, he’s not cruel
It is usually when it is something
Like
“you either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”

Anyway, it made him cry when old Addie asked that

and also if you are a prayer person,
please pray for her death,
I can’t bring myself to do it.

here is something i would love to tell ten-year-old me:

stop. take a minute. look at your parents. look at how much they love you. sure you are young, but god, Kira, you've always understood deeply. and i know you can understand this.

love them hard. love them outright and outspokenly and through good conversation. love them by being utterly you- but a little less complaining. love them by hiking up that mountain with a smile on your face because they'll be so proud. and their pride is all you want.

but most importantly, you'll have so much less time with him.

at eleven:
go out to the garden he's building, help. or just sit on the deck and talk about your day. talk about how you remember writing the song about Addie. talk about your favorite color and how it brought you and April closer together. talk about how much you love annoying mommy. talk about how one day the boys will be in college and it'll just be you three at home and how you can knock the wall down between your closets and have two rooms. just talk, Kira, talk, and talk and talk.

at twelve:
when he reads your poems, explain. tell him how you agree the pain was partly diffusion. that surely you're so empathetic you took on the sadness. but also it's real. what you feel is valid and explain. tell him sometimes it hurts so much you really don't want to live. but you agree. that it didn't really affect you until she said something. that it really didn't need to affect you at all. cry into his chest and let him hug you. let him solve all the problems you can think of with his presence.

at thirteen:
when he explains his religious views, understand him. ask more questions than you thought you needed. let the conversation go into his childhood and learn about that. experience peace rallies and disappointed parents and how that turned him into an atheist. let those ideas influence you. let his, maybe not award winning but still pretty intelligent, words influence your own thoughts.

and at fourteen:
when he takes your picture, smile. he wants to document your middle school graduation. he wants to see you with the people you've grown up with and stood out from. he wants your walk down the elementary halls to be meaningful because he knows it is. when he calls you beautiful, it's because you are. it's because your his daughter and his muse and his reason for protecting and pushing.

at fifteen:
when he's playing the music, listen. get off your phone. ask him questions. ask him what his first concert was. ask him when and who he went with and what he did. ask him who he first fell in love with. just because you'd like to know what life was like before mommy. just because you'd like to know everything about his life. ask him why he loves the folky songs he does. what it means to him. what a song with a story means to him. when he's playing the music appreciate that his hands work, and his breath isn't fake, and his body can move. ask for a beer so you can have one together.

and then:
when he's in the hospital, tell him you love him. don't cry. don't whimper and pity. don't think about whether or not he's in pain. just speak. just say it all like you should've throughout your life. tell him how grateful you are, how excited for summer you are, how much you love him and love him and love him and love him and how much you hope he knows. when he's looking at the boys in their prom tuxes, say that'll be you in a few years. make everyone groan. do your 'little sister' bit. he smiles at that. make a funny face, kiss his cheek, remind him you love him so so sos ososososos much, say it more even after it becomes cheesy. say it so much it doesn't sound like a real word anymore. say it so much you have to get dragged out of his room. say it for every day of your life, every birthday, every minute, every important event he was there for and everything he has to miss.

just be there. be present. be real, Kira.