How many more days will blood be the solace to your ever beating heart!
How many more days will those veins explode in order to comfort you from your harm!
How many more days will pain be the way that you keep your self safe-
Or I guess just killing yourself to make all those memories go away...

I don't know who you are and I don't know what happened to you
But giving up never gave me any hope nor any truth,
And I regret all the days that I tried to use my pain
To make everything seem like it was okay!
Because nothing could ever give me quite the escape!
Nothing seems to ever quite help my life change!
No amount of drugs or blood or lust or shame
Could change my sad desolate life of black stains...

And I remember wanting to die-
It wasn't just once-

I remember thinking that if I had the courage I might just put an end to it once and for all,
For all to see and for all to awe!
Trust me, I know what it feels like to fall
And to fall from a place of security to listening to echoing halls.
But I found some hope behind my black walls.

And that's a love that for some reason brings more peace than anything I've ever seen!
More than anything that I could ever dream.
And that's the love of a God that will always be holding you close to him in your sleep.
And I can only imagine how many people have given you reason to hate him too,
But I can promise you that he cares more than anyone cares about you!
And that there is nothing that you could ever do
To get him to stop falling in love with you.

-Sunday, the twenty second of February-
I held a sunflower in my cold hands
For the first time in twelve years-
I cautiously stroked the petals
Like a small child holding fragile life in his palms,
Knowing that with one slight pull he could crush
its very existence-
I smiled-
I looked up to the blue sky and thought of you-
The way you hold me in your hands-
I placed my yellow sunshine in my breast pocket,
And I began to think of the way you've carried
me through this Florida weather.

I love you.

I know you don't believe that I'm here with you now,
But I've been watching you since the day you were born.
Oh, I've been watching you sleep at night
And I've been doing my best to keep you alive.
I've been seeing all your dreams
And I know that you never dream of me,

But Arthur, that's okay!

I'm still standing here with my arms open, waiting for you to come my way!
I don't hate you my son!
I've loved you since the day I placed breath in your lungs!
Since the day that I planned your purpose and created each crease in your skin!
Since the day that I molded your shape and constructed your skeleton!
I've been in love with you since the day I thought of making you!
Since the day I thought of creating you!
I just want you to come home.

This world is depressing, my son,
And it will always leave you empty.
Your pain can only be taken away by my strength,
You can't do it with your own hands!
You don't need to create a sonnet of apologies to make it up to me,
You just have to let me embrace you!
You just have to let me carry you home!

If you're out there show your face!
How much longer will you hide from me!
If you're real can't you just show me?
Forgive me, it takes my eyes to believe...

If I had the guts I'd place a bullet through my head,
Because my purpose is to work until the day that I'm-
Dead
- And I never wanted to die.

Where are you, poets!
Where are you, great thinkers of our age!
The ground is the home to your bones,
And I think I'll be joining you soon!
Save room for me in the grass,
Don't spread your dust too wide
For me to find a place for mine.

-What reason is there to be
When I will be no more-

Your God is nothing but a figment of your creative imagination!
You're nothing but the art of planetary destination,
Destined to return to the dirt that you first were birthed.
Chance had its way with our molecular structure
When one small ball exploded me and you in an atomic conjuncture.
You and I have no God!

Excuse me, excuse me!
No winds or waves
Or night or day
Or time or space
Came from a God that you praise!
We were born to decay, then let our particles die
Until they fertilize and revitalize all the green grass that runs dry.
We were born for the advancement of technology!
We were born to work until someone finds the secret of immortality!

God?
Ha!
What a lonely life of living and loving some imaginary image of a God.
You waste your life with all your "do good" ways
When you could enjoy the pleasures that flaunt in your face!
Woe to you who sit and dream of some God who
Lives to tell you what to do
And cares nothing about me or you!
If God was alive than I have arrived at the conclusion that he's a menace!
He waits for my days to end just to send me to hell to pay my penance.

If your God exists and is so good, than why does he hate me?
Why does he exist to smite me from his sight.
If your God is so good, than why am I the target of his burning eyes!
Why am I the one who's losing life!
Why am I the one that has to die!
Why do I have to die!

I have pressed you so hard upon my head
That I don't think I could ever forget
Those pictures floating around like a group of haunting ghosts,
And when I shut my eyes tight I still hear them boast!

I died at the age of thirteen
When someone on MySpace sent me a link
To some page labeled "nudes here: all free",
And my heart, heavy weighted, proceeded to take a peek!
Oh I wish my eyes never got to see!
I wish I never had to know what is out in front of me!
I had gotten all that I'd wanted!
Little did I know that five years down the road I'd give anything to go back.

Sleep sweet!
That's what they tell me!
As if I never was guilty
Of looking at something so filthy!
Oh my eyes knew!
Oh my mind knew too!
The only thing pulling me closer was the desire
To feel that high and the get higher!
I never needed any spark to start my fire!
All I needed was a thought to get me inspired.

I just want to go back to when I still had any kind of innocence!
Before I knew exactly what ******* is!
I'm still trying my best to find some way to live.

My world!
My beautiful world!
Your mouths are endless fountains of profound shouts and
I have seen the things you breathe in man's hearts and
I've tried to tell my brothers that they're lies,
But we keep letting your voices in every time.

My world told me that poetry was supposed to be my only thing
And my only way of expressing my inner me.
It told me lies about who I was and how I should think.
It told me that I need to write like I bleed this ink.

My God!
I don't want anyone else to think that I'm still in love with me!
You are the only thing I want to see
And your hope has grounded me by your streams!
I'm in love with you and how you fill up my dreams!

I'm not an aching, brooding, bleeding, receding, deceiving
Deceasing, cheating, repeating voice with a black heart beating.
I am your son!
I don't know how you allow the dust of the earth
To be rebirth into your arms and claim you as a father!
My voice was always meant to be singing love songs to you.
Recently I've been dying to sing again.

I want you to know that
When I go that
I just wanted to hold my God's hand
And dance with him forever.

I want you to know that
When I go that
I honored my father with my lips
And used my fiery tongue to bless and encourage.