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 Jun 2018 jai
I find you in the darkest place
of my mind.
The one I wander at 3 am
sleepless at night.
Where my dreams
slowly die.
You ended up there,
no need to ask why.
 May 2018 jai
Eden Branch
I'm sorry I spend so much time talking about how lost I am
It has cost me my friends and their respect

I'm sorry that my life is changing too fast for me to process
I won't come out of this with my mind intact

I apologize for the way I grow distant in a conversation,
in the buzz around boyfriends, grades, and prom

I can't say sorry enough for the times I explode for no reason
and then go suddenly quiet and terrifyingly calm

I have no disorder or chemical imbalance
its not a physiological decay or disease
Its a girl questioning why she exists
and trying to figure out what life means

I'm sorry that I'm not always there for you when you need me
I can understand why you left me behind
Just, please
keep the crazy, depressed, confused girl in the back of your mind

Please don't forget that I was once happy
Please remember that I had a personality prone to joy
Tell me about the girl that you used to know years ago
the unshakable faith she had before it was stripped down, destroyed

I wouldn't un- ask these questions
I couldn't forget them if I tried
But I wish that the naive little girl
had kept some of that innocence inside

I talk a lot about reflections
about how I feel when I'm in my head, apart
I hope that you can fogive me
and my broken but healing heart
 May 2018 jai
Kristie Townsend
I feel numb, stuck, trapped
My insecurities get worse each day
I miss my extroverted self
I don't know where I've gone?

I'm existing;  not living
I'm not unhappy, I am not sad
I'm apathetic : neither here nor there

No movement,  nothing changes
Yet my life, my home, myself ...
Have changed beyond recognition

I am using this nothingness to heal
Educate, restore, fix, mend
In the stillness, I find my soul
My brain refuses to acknowledge it

Mindset is in quandary,  undecided
Body is aging before my own eyes
Soul is vulnerable , yet open
Honesty is blunt, uncomfortable for some, but necessary

Old friends question and probe
New friends acquired along the road
Baggage weighs heavy
I can not put it down

These are the ramblings of the mentally unwell
Emotionally unstable, is my label
I wear it well: you really couldn't tell
Unless you are reading this

I'll pretend and disguise the panic in my eyes
Censor my language, no triggers spoken
Not to alarm, not to self harm
Just keep quiet, be good, continue to be misunderstood
 May 2018 jai
Skye Carpenter
Like a child
I need to be protected from the monsters that only I can see
Like a child
I need to be held closely when all my nightmares come to be.
Like a child
I need to believe in everything and to be believed in too
Like a child
I need someone to be my comfort blanket so I can make it through
Like a child
I need to be told I'm loved and cared about every day
Like a child
I must be reminded that everything is going to be okay.
 May 2018 jai
Borderline Personality Disorder.

1. The other day I woke up and thought I knew who I was
I fell asleep and somewhere in between I lost myself
I lost the feeling in my stomach too
but we're still talking about how much we have in common.

2. My sweater got stuck on the hanger this morning
I started to rip it down
eventually I broke plastic and skin.
I haven't been back in my room since.

3. 12:06 PM Today my best friend came home and took most of our makeup
12:07 PM I messaged her and mocked our friendship.
12:07 PM She was in trouble with her grandma and had to hurry. She didn't know.
12:08 PM I broke down crying.

4. I woke up at 7:32 AM and took 4 shots
drank 2 beers
smoked four bowls
drank half a bottle of NyQuil and woke up the next day.
I have yet to figure out why.

5. I wanted to be a horse trainer for 9 years
then I decided I wanted to be an artist
worked on becoming a tattoo artist
matured into a writer
fell in love with photography
now I'm not even sure if I like school.

6. First scars appeared at 9
worst scars at 15.
First attempt at 10
almost wasn't an attempt at 14.

7. I've been happy the past few days
but I still want to **** myself
because soon I'll be drowning in depression
and succumbing to anxiety.

9. Once I got so bored
I thought myself into sorrow.
I didn't come out for a few hours
but by dinner I was laughing.

10. I used to be in love with a boy
but I didn't know
so I used whatever I could get
and now I'm alone.
I don't blame him.

11. I've mentally lost myself
as I screamed into the mirror
and it wasn't me talking to myself.
I don't really remember being there
but I was.
 May 2018 jai
Alec Boardman
What do you want from me?
Borderline personality disorder, why have you chosen me?
Have I not suffered enough in this pitiful life?
All I ask is to have a stable identity and sense of self
But you come creeping into my development and overtake
Labels are nothing
Labels are everything
No in between with anything,
Black and white thinking
Love or hate
Mania or depression
In the span of 5 minutes.
The only constant you allow me to feel is my hatred for you.
Every moment is a swirling vortex of losing hope and
Clinging to anyone who so much as smiles in my direction
But I suppose
When everything is switching
Faster than a traffic light
Because of you.
The thing to be most thankful for
Is to be able to hold onto you.
Borderline personality disorder, why have you chosen me?
My only sense of self, since you change everything else
Novenber 2016
 May 2018 jai
cassiopeia miel
chalk it up to previous trauma and learned experiences influencing my approach to new situations, but i’m wary of everyone now. my eyes are fixed on every exit and everything that can be used as a weapon when someone enters the room. if there was a pill to forget, I would take it. i can’t go back and change yesterday, no, but it still touches me.

it’s tiring living with borderline personality disorder and it’s tiring being in love with someone who's also living with borderline personality disorder.
you can never love someone more than they hate themselves at times; you can either never be good enough for them, or they’re not good enough for you.

we’re supposed to be constantly feeling things at an intensified level than neurotypicals; extreme rage, excitement, drowning waves of sadness that threaten to take you somewhere no one can ever reach you again; i’ve lived my life in violent reds and heart wrenching indigos of tear-soaked navy-colored silk and it’s dusk.

these poor legs just don’t run like they used to. i’m thinking of plaster-filled walls and my poor mother painting layers and layers of my childhood bedroom, concealing kneeholes and knife holes i made as i descended into the labyrinthine maze of madness like a caged animal; a minotaur.

i think i tired myself out too early, fighting that good fight against familial kidnapping and climbing over the top of gated communities and skipping school to buy a greyhound ticket and shack up with a strange boy.

i lay last night in your bed, listening to the whirr of the fan you always insisted on using to help lull you to sleep, white noise and blackness and your warmth radiating into my perpetually cold skin.
like it, i am numb.
 May 2018 jai
It's hard to see
through bloodstained glasses
but when your mind
acts like one
you just can't get away
with being *****
with your own blood
but then comes a time when
what happens
is exactly what you once
tried to escape from
your hands get *****
and your bedsheets become
as much as your mind
but you can't help it
because while you're
purging away all these
***** thoughts
in a toilet,
flushing them away like they
were just an amount
of nothing inside of your body,
the blood keeps on
dripping off your limbs
staining the once
bright white
that now is no longer
so beautiful
because it weighs
so much more
than anything else
in the world
and it's even more disgusting
when you think
that this only happened
because of you
with your help
with all those sneaky midnight walks
to the bathroom floor
to stain that room
with no mercy
to stain your body
with no mercy
in order to become something
that only exists inside
your mind & inside that mirror
which insists in showing you
a ***** & blurry truth
that holds a grip inside you
and leads you to a cave
you dig on your own.
 May 2018 jai
Randy Lee
I'm dancing. I'm drowning. I hate myself, please leave me. No, don't go, I love you. I need you, I'm nothing without you,  please stay! Who the **** am I anyways? I never knew me. Eulogy my insanity, nothing else is me.  There's nothing in my name, I am not words, I am not okay. Leave me BE! I'm so lonely... my paradoxical heart is beating me to death and I can't breathe, not even rapturously, I'm burning alive from the inside out.  As if that feeling ever even existed, it's nothingness and pain, just like I am, constantly playing some pseudo game of cat and mouse with my mind,  except I'm never the cat until I snap and eat Cinderellas friends. I'm tired and hyper, will you please just stay and go away? I'm sick of pleading with and of you to the point where I never even loved you because I don't even know what that word or all these others mean, nothing is as it seems... I'm floating outside myself, nothing next to nothing is still nothing, full of rage. I can't do this anymore, off with my head. How can you make nothingness dead? I'm empty and nothing so how can nothing be empty, I can't contain my pain... ahhh I'm screaming someone please don't help, you can't anyways, so just play hide and go **** yourself or me, I don't even know... I so badly want to feel something, anything, can't I cut me? No, they all get mad and send me away... who the hell is talking? Is this even me? This is and isn't me. Oh ****, I AM ******. I've gotta go away.
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