I will not allow myself to wake up in this carousel world of marching ants that wake up every morning and do something they hate.

i bet away the last of my money tonight
but I don’t mind
I bet away our love everyday
and you’re still here
so maybe itl come around in time
its not that I don’t care
about you
or money
its that I take risks
because if a risk comes back
to be in my favor
then I know
with time, you’ll come back
and be here forever

If every beer I've finished tonight
were a finished poem
then I'd have a years worth of writing
but unfortunately
my pen just hasn't been flowing.
My minds been uneasy/
Fingers have been trembling/
Nerves never ending/
and its just been hard.
I cant seem to force all the words
that are stuck in my eyes, ears, and nose
to travel out my mouth.
So for now I'll just crack another beer
and hope the words will finally appear.

I awoke at 4am
searching frantically
for a cigarette
that i dropped in a dream
i started digging for the ashes
hoping they hadn't set fire
to my lovers arms
that lay next to me
but the only thing I found
was her telling me
that I was going crazy
and I couldn't agree more.

It's fascinating seeing the same worn out faces
on the train
Day after day
Like a routine
Always the same sad look
same baggy eyes
burnt out from too much coffee
It's always the same dull smirk
on the few that are happy
Like a routine
The days don't change
I bet some of these people
Will die on this train
And before I know it
I'm out the doors
And off on the same routine
With tired eyes
And a worn out smile.

I sat watching
the two actors in the cold room
i was patient and calm
while they were about to
**** themselves
waiting to carry on

My instructor then said,

“I want you to ask your partner something
dark, something you would never ask them
in a million years”

the walls went quiet
and all nerves struck
like a chord
patient and calm
disappeared after he
said each of those words

One of them was shaking
while the other was grimacing
And that's when the shaking one asked,

“Have you ever thought to yourself,
maybe you'd be better off not living?”

The grimacing man,
was now blank and white
like a sheet of paper
or a snowy night

And the shaking man,
was still shaking.

If the sun fell deep below

into

the

sea

would the moon shine bright enough
to bring you back to me?

my weary eyes have noticed
more and more
each day
you don't see in color
nor black in white
just gray

if I could lend you my eyes
id rip out each one
to help you overcome
this blindness that has stayed
its welcome way too long

bone to bone
flesh to flesh
when tomorrow comes
lets lay my body to rest

if I could wrench out my heart
id do it today
so your body would subdue
everything that's taken
the life right out of you

bone to bone
flesh to flesh
when tomorrow comes
lets lay my body to rest


whatever it takes
to make you feel okay
ill be ready to leave this earth
ill be ready to wear away

as long as you're okay
as long as you're okay

A train ride from the country side
Back to the big city
Goes slowly and effortlessly
Resembling all types of beauty

As the train ticks and ticks/

I've seen the riches of families
Who are still uneasy with life
Next I will see the poor
Who are trying to hang on ever so tight

As the train ticks and ticks/

The country hills will roll gently
and the wind will blow freely
While cigarette smoke will start to cover the lonely city

As the train ticks and ticks/

I realize the sad faces I see everywhere
Shows whether rich or poor
Tick/
Each of us has endless struggles
Tick/
That no amount of money can afford to fix.

I awoke this morning without the taste of my lovers lips against mine, just the liquor from the night before and some cheep wine. I've been very forgetful this week, oh yes i have. About missed a job interview but that's nothing that really matters, maybe to you. I payed for a ******* cab that I couldn't afford/ and then listened to some ******* interview with other ******* people who weren't following their dreams/ and then I payed for sushi I couldn't afford and it was all just funny to me. So now I'm back in my apartment wondering what it takes to be. What it takes to be everything and anything. What it takes to be able to afford all the ******* that surrounds us/ then I ask myself, do I want this? What do I want. And I don't really know. All I know is a beer would really help wash down the thoughts of today as well as the sushi I just ate. So theres that.

waste of space is what they are told
little change is given with a scold
tattered clothes and a worn out face
regardless of age they all look cold
It doesn't make a difference
Some followed their dreams while others filled their veins with venom to spark the pain inside the seems  
It doesn't make a difference
We all have choices
As we choose apartments
They choose park benches
As we choose which stiped tie
They choose a free flannel from a thrift store on the SouthSide
So get in their shoes
Though they may not have any
Lay your head on a cold brick wall
And beg for a penny
Watch every face pass by like a ghost  
Like the ones that haunt you in your sleep
As your body tries to sink into the street
Just try to feel bold
And then maybe think to ask next time
What's it like out here alone in the cold?

The happiest man I see all day
cleans up after us depressed college kids
While we chase jobs that aren't our dreams
And drown ourselves in liquor so we don't feel a thing
While we smoke ciggerates to exhale all the pain
And it really makes me wonder what were doing here if the happiest man I see all I day is only just a janitor.

i sit and fumble
as I write down each word
my legs they shake
make them stop for ******* sake
my mind is spilling
like the ink from this pen
my fingers are about to kindle
like a sewers would without a thimble
my lips they quiver
even more with each letter
i need a smoke or a drink
to allow my mind to think
ill break this cork oak
hoping everything will just flow
without reason without thought
like a **** flooding after a drought
never to be captured or held in again
but what should be found
will be lost except the one truth
which is

that I hate myself

but thats okay
cause you love me
and maybe thats enough

I grasp the shadow of your hand
That the window creates
I feel the imaginary pulse of your heart
As it fluctuates
I keep the tempo
That rhythm in my head
Visualizing your lips
And how each dimple connects
Struggling to hold off the tear in my eye
Because I know if death brings me to you
I'm ready to die

She was gone
Like the wind
Never to be seen
Nor felt within
She was gone the very first day I met her
I knew she'd never let me in

The day you have to die
I hope you realize
Your life was the best part of mine

I was just a boy
I was a child
I didnt know right from wrong

I was always giving up
Cause everything kept falling down

The worst thing about it all
No one ever taught me the biggest part

Like how to catch my self when I fall
And how to mend my broken heart

I never got to realize it wasn't my fault

Words can't tame all these thoughts running through my brain

Days go by where you're the only dearing thought in my head always contained

Nothing can change the love im feeling for you it
will always stay the same

For awhile I tried giving up
But without you I only feel pain

My pen is out of ink
I'm running out of my drink
They both will stay empty
Waiting for a jump start
Just like my broken heart

I sit here
And drink
Because it makes my bones feel complete
It warms my broken heart
And just for a short while
It fixes everything that's fallen apart

I've seen the mountains
as the sun rises above the peak
I've seen the ocean
and the crest of a wave crashing down before me
But you,
My darling,
Are the most beautiful thing
I ever did see

is more miserable than the last few
because I'm still without you

I imagine you on the coast somewhere
Water beneath your toes
Sand tangled in your hair
Tracing the constellations
Without any care

I knew I couldn't hold onto you forever my dear
You see the world through different eyes
You live with no fear

While I will be stuck sitting here
Waiting for a glimmer of your voice
With the idea that you are near

your body against mine
caresses my heart
I feel as if we're one
Apart

the month I spent with you felt like forever
learning about you're ways
all of you're endeavors
the way you're cheek bones rest
and how each dimple connects
each word
each breath
made me crazy none the less

the tide hit me hard today
everything was right in front me
then it washed away
for one moment in time
I felt free
but the current took me by surprise
and I was left with nothing

The sun is rising and bringing heat
So is your heart
I'm watching every beat
Your lips are curled against my pillow case
It's crazy when you're asleep
How I can still hardly breath
With you by my side, I feel at ease
There's no place i'd rather be