Louder
The music has to go louder

Loud isn't loud enough

I need their screams to wash out the voices on my head

I need the screeches to cover the burning of my soul

It's not enough
It's never enough
It'll never be enough

I can still hear myself
I don't want to hear myself

My soul eats at me
I need my mind to be overpowered

It can't get loud enough
Nothing covers the burning inside
Each though is a shard knife digging through my mind

Paranoid schizophrenic
Borderline
Bipolar
Depressed
OCD
Anxiety

I am not a human
I am a list of problems
And therefore I must leave

Not he/she/they but "the borderline"
The borderline imagines this elaborate fantasy to be necessary
the borderline turns to clinginess
the borderline may exhibit narcissistic symptoms
the borderline the borderline the borderline

the borderline-
a chalk marking on the sidewalk

the borderline-
trees separating territories

the borderline-
a sign stating do not cross

not me
I am human

but since I'm a 'borderline'
you wouldn't know that

would you?

related to childhood emotional abuse or neglect...
not to be confused with derealization or 'fantasy prone personality'

maladaptive daydreaming is seeing your face when I fall asleep at night
or hearing your voice in a children's store

"Come look! Look at these shoes!", and seeing you scramble at a pair of sandals

Big brown eyes begging me to buy them as "an early birthday present, just this once."

Maladaptive daydreaming
is blinking and not even having time to register the fact that you'd disappeared

and I was standing alone in the children's shoe aisle,
on my knees holding a pair of sandals
and feeling that same twist in my gut that I did on the day

the papers were signed and my passport was stamped,
to get on a plane to another country

without so much as waving goodbye

Maladaptive daydreaming is crying through anti-abortion rhetoric
and sympathising with teenage mothers

it's seeing you smile behind a nikon camera, calling
"Look at this pretty picture I took! See, see?"

and then realising that I was only smiling at a fallen camera in the sand

Maladaptive daydreaming
is regretting a choice I didn't make

it's steeling my jaw at immature jokes
and relating to all those children raising children

Maladaptive daydreaming
is regretting giving up a daughter
I never had

i wonder what it's like to be so scared
of every decision

of every word, every action
every relationship, interaction
and conversation

i mean... I'm certainly not curious enough to find out

but i watched the way you tilted your head last night
studied how you looked at the screen

wrote into my permanent memories how
the light cast shadows in your hair

from where I was sitting, I was looking at you from the knees up
and couldn't help but think

how much I wanted to paint pictures on your neck
with my lipstick

headstrong is a simple word. Impulsive, touchy, emotionally-driven-
you tell me to grow up and stop acting like a child and yet you decide to
perpetuate a situation that actually makes you look immature. Funny, cuz
on one hand, you didn't want to act childish but then you turn around,
carelessly spill random details in the hopes to look good. An attempt to be
ratified. You want the upper hand, but in doing that you've made your
inferiority clear as day. I would explain this to you further sweetheart but
the warning signs all say "do not dive headfirst into shallow waters."
even if you were worth the time and effort, I haven't the heart or patience.

So there's an issue between

you and me

You said yourself to keep the issue between

you and me

So I respected that and kept to myself.

But suddenly this isn't just about

you and me.

You went to one of your friends so that he could get onto my personal pages and mock me

You posted publicly on social media

You called me out in front of an audience

So tell me

What the hell happened to this being between

"you" and "me"?