“Stupid *******”
my monologue goes
inside my head
thinking of woes

Don’t say a word!
try to remain
as solid as a tree stump
after it rains

Trying to think
Or figure
Some niche
Of mine
Where I go
Or belong
Last words
Only linger
As whispered thoughts
Of yesterday
But tonight
One hopes
For more

Patterns pleasers and pomp
Got my rockets in a romp
Going down the street
With beautiful feet
Never stopping for a comp

Givers grumblers and glib
Doing nothing for a fib
Trample down
A growing crown
Until faith becomes your bib

Tokens takers and taunts
Throwing insults for a jaunt
Always around
But not a sound
When the results return to daunt

Buyers builders and bums
Sometimes are best chums
Though when in doubt
They throw ‘em out
So all become too numb

Flexers fixers and friends
Give advice to make amends
But they can forget
And sometimes jet
Until the time of some pretends

You don’t know
The lengths of strength
Of fortitude
Endurance
To maintain and gain
Every day of life
As I drive along my path
Steel nerves when I swerve
This bump and that hole
See what you think
But I know
My power and resilience
Where it comes
How it stays
Continuance
Should guessing remain
As frailty rules your skull
To this point
No longer care
As it’s already known
What remains
And who is the mightier

Nobody knows
Nobody cares
Yet everyone stares
Until it’s too much to bear
And the weight of your sorrows
Crash into tomorrow

Do you?
Is it inevitable?
Question the question-maker
Ideas are flittering
or did you fumble that reach

Not.Even.About.You.
(i mean me)
‘Twas
one of these nights
Maybe that dream
Moved into the day

Accepting fate
Fall into place
Ten day race

Another juncture
When it punctures
And you rupture

This parallel joining
Somewhat adoring
Or call of mourning

Going to drown
Being a clown
Now I found

A new beginning
It’s your trimming
I am Winning

Regret that
Now I’m stuck
Removal of points
The parts didn’t equal
It came apart in moments
Stimulation dropped
Like the temp
It meant
nothing

You inspire me
with the brush of your fingertips
Across the expanse
of that systematic galaxy
It’s a dancing melody
that twinkles a song
to the crescent moons of frequency

And I’m tired
of chasing you
Come to me
when you are ready
when you no longer can deny

Our Chemistry

I see patterns
Of people and things
Some draw me in
Others repel me

Then those patterns
That I can’t figure out
Eventually are revealed
Over time, even distance

Or there are patterns
In beginnings or starts
That were interesting
But really just a veneer

Then I saw a pattern or was it two
One was all these things, yet none
Another was cacophony of intrigue
And a piece of melodramatic nonsense

As the first was entwined
Inside a mysterious vibrato
The second wrapped words
In a seductive dance

Yet the shadows of each appealed
To remain as they could suffice
Choosing paths and trails reigned over me
Unraveling seemed imperative

And I still wanted to shudder
To revolt against the pull
I know my curiosities
This time will it finish me off?

I noticed
That you didn’t answer
Or when
You didn’t say goodbye
That last time
You texted first
The first time
You missed hello
I noticed

You probably have no clue
How much you hurt me
And besides
Would you even care
If you knew

Like when we were together
You did not
So now I have a deep cavern
And time fades
Memories become surreal

Edges smooth down
Remembering that
‘It wasn’t so bad’
The good times win out
Because your arms felt good

Forgetting your cruelty
The carving of my soul
Losing who I was
Becoming a droid
of your making

As I wake up
Those events were a dream
Right?
They fade into my ether
When I think of your warm body

Is that what I miss?
Just your sinew and skin
The smell of your presence
Because your actions
Did not feel good

And your inaction—
That felt lonely
Or your lack of
communication
Felt like a windowless room

I will cling to those memories
To recall your disgust
They make me stronger
In my resolve
Becoming myself again

And again

Why do I fall for the mystery?
Am I some snake charmer?
Or do I get bitten 1000 times?

Putting effort in
Law of Returns
Diminishing
Deserving
Caring enough
Falling flat
All the…Yous
All ******* over
It. Me. Us.
But exhaustion reigns
And refills remain
Closed
Break me
From your neglect
Your words
Your mind
Your body
And…Always ok
I Am
Okay

OKOKOKOK

but i want to ….

You **** me off so much
I don’t like that you control me
I don’t think you even realize
What it is that you controlled

And why?
Why is it all based on you?

You are selfish.
You are confusing.
You don’t even know what you want.

And *******
*******
*******
*******

I have to wait

I don’t like it

I should have said no

I should say no

Why am I doing all this ******* crap?

I want to escape from you

Because you **** my heart

Every time.

What did you lose?
Your mind
Your heart
Your soul
Perhaps the pride
Ready for a fall?
It’s a trip
Into the maze
Finding oneself
Were you mistaken?
For a maiden
Or a fool
Then the king
Did you find it?
The missing
The pieces
The peace

I feel like I have a thousand words to say and no one to say them to

It’s why I sometimes post them out here on the ether

Maybe someone will want to hear them

When it happens
I’ll be waiting
For that glint
At the Start line

Would you have
Those memories of me
In a decade or two
Remember my name
Last time I talked to you
Could you recall
Any details of me
Of how I write my words
Or like certain melodies
I wonder at any significance
I could possibly bring
When there are hundreds
In the courtyard
Ready for a fling

I want to reveal
everything
but I am scared
scared of rejection
and you do reject me
many ******* times
disregarding me

if I was a thing
you would be on that!
all the time
I am an afterthought
and I hate it
I feel lame and unwanted
a bother
yet I keep reaching out
in this way and that
I am sure there are more
as I am a meanwhile

do you realize
or care
you are looking for
something that
you do not even know
what it is
it is not me
I accept that
it kills
every time
because
you are right
here

I must be boring
and too fat
and not pretty enough
whatever
I ******* up
somewhere
the failure and the holes
where are they
does it matter
we say goodbye
and it kills
and it will pass
they will not care
and I am an idiot
always an idiot
a failure
an ugly fat stupid woman
terrible

they are occupied
so are they and them
and so on
the others have theirs
it goes on and on
I do what now
I can not do anything

I tried to reveal a bit
to one other
they told me to stop
yet I let them carry on about theirs
do they not know
they are beautiful
charming and funny
one I could fall in love with
one I could share with
but they love a fantasy
and will not see anything else

these ones who say I am amazing
I am not amazing enough
I just am not
because
otherwise
it is always otherwise

but I learn
learn from the sting
you know that sting
HA! that ******* sting
it is right now
so I stop
and I leave
and I bury myself
again and again

was that a boy
running down the lane
in that awkward skedaddle
ah! but no
he comes closer
growing sure of step
increased gait
and exposing his personage
the masculinity
now dripping
of confidence
a trail of heat
down into bliss
and alas,
turning into fires
between my cheeks

Sad today
For the might have beens
The what ifs
And almosts

I’m blue for you
For the hims and hers
The us and we
And what could be

Melancholy
For me and myself
The darks and lights
And the possible flight

But not depressed
For in all the mess
The hopes are near
And so skies are clear

Last night I realized
The pages that we wrote
Weren’t the same
Mine had more words
With swirls in the margins
Yours had lines and dots with breaks
I looked closer
It wasn’t even the same book
Did we write in the same language?
I tried to read your paragraph
I stuttered through with tears
Then stopped abruptly
When I noticed
There were other books in the library

the day was full
heat and tasks
yet my thoughts
remained on you
i burned and yearned
with fantasy in my mind
it twisted and turned
as you danced down my hall
intoxicated by your song
those words deep in my ears
i scratched inside
to see what remained
but I was saturated by you
as the day came
to a close

Why do I see
the trails
the ways
There is the path
taken and trampled
It was obvious
markers left
debris strewn
crumbs cast about
I knew that destination
before I started
was wild for a time
Would I go that same way
if I had to do it over?
Do I risk my pride twofold?
patterns again
revealed
and I see
Again

Be yourself…
**** that.
No one wants that
Myself….
What is that?
A ******* nutcase
Why do I even try?
I am lame…
And not quite the same
I messed up.
Yet I know
They got around it?
And now
We’re ******….
Because
I will put ‘em off.
And then, that’s it
Because
I don’t do that
The placating ****…
I see it
Want to throw up
Therefore,
I’m done.

(Like an over cooked steak)

My eyes are tired
Of seeing
what I don’t want to see

And these ears
Don’t want to hear
those same words of waver

It reaches my nose
That smell
of something not quite right

For my lips
Are dry
from never tasting nectar

But these hands
Stay warm
as the heart in which they belong

I want to be seen
while I hide in a cave
To have some Drama
as I dig my grave

Exposed
in my own shadows
As I Dream
in forgotten gallows

No other stoppages
breaking free
I want an Experience
that’s not about me

and suddenly
i can breathe again
tasked and *******
restricted in time
but you
eased that ache
one i didn’t know
was there

Empty
It’s what I feel
Lonely and stolen
Like I don’t belong
Trampling over breaths
I started to exist
But it wrenched out
To another trail
Another road
And I tried
To hope
Again

Puff and bloom
Once more consume
Oh, it was fiction
In the display of dicktion
Up and down
But always a frown
Drips or flips
In a handy eclipse
Seeing inside
The way of the tide
Tired of tries
Was it just lies?

There are times when I read something, and the tears surface to my eyes.

Not because it’s sad.

They rise to meet the emotion that begins brewing.

I see the letters on the page or screen and can feel the person’s emotion.

It sparks my hunger.

The words stir a reaction that has been buried so deeply that I forgot it existed.

It’s shocking to my system.

To my mind and to my soul.

The words I read can be simple or complex.

The phrases that are strung together somehow reached into this blackened abyss in which I had hidden feelings.

It’s overwhelming and frightening.

It squeezes out a bleeding ache.

I’m left with such a yearning.

All from some simple words.

I’ll think
Why this or that
But then I realize
“Oh, I have a ******* life”
I will keep my quo of stats

I am a stubborn *****
I am cold hearted
I am whatever you think

I am also tenacious
I am a survivor
I am adaptable

... Perspective

anyone there?
don’t want to be
alone tonight
so I begin

a Dance with a stranger
as we Kiss in step
into a new sugar High
and you…

sweet as a Beast
in a river of Fire
let it Rain down
And let the Storm rage

So be It
Send me over
The Edge
And I’m Hung
Up and Overdue
For You

… let’s figure it out
and in, again

Am I reminding you that I exist?
Why do I take on that task?
I should be embedded
In your brain
In your veins
Like you are in mine

What am I doing
Playing at
Is it play acting
Am I on stage
Enjoyment for one
Like a pendulum swing
No push pull mechanics
Only my own **** mind

Was grabbing for you
Some kind of words
But just for me
Not those silly rhymes
Wanted the currents
Those harmonies
The in between
Of you and I
Electric flows
Like a volley of triumph
Won’t you give
Gift me a little
“something I don’t already know”

Melted connection
Twisted into
Separate sensations
Given for you

Oh that link
Threads to the mind
Grazing my soul
To find its’ kind

Tethered to me
Right in my heart
Bring another cord
Lest we part

A forced
Change of perspective
Is like
A shot of adrenaline
Stabbing right through
Your eyeball
Straight to
That cerebral cortex
Which makes you
Stand Up
and say,
“What in the ever loving ****
… was I doing?”