I wonder what it's like
To feel at home in one's own skin
At all times, and in all places
I feel conspicuous and maudlin
My own mind is against me
I fear my very thoughts
My heart is but a stranger to me
Capricious and withdrawn
From all of this I tremble
Somewhere deep within my soul
For others' sakes, I try a smile,
As I shatter and dissolve
What is life, if not a nightmare
Somewhere hidden in a dream?
I could not wake up if I wanted;
You cannot pinch a phantom's skin

So, after all is said and done
I take some time to sit and breathe
A moment's silence so hard won
To unload stress and retake ease-
People are so hard to please
They ask one thing and want another-
The stillness shivers like a breeze
And nurses what the crowds had smothered

and when you leave
the mediocre aspirations of this world
spill through your fingers
like mist
over a black lake
the fumbling despair of your heart
cannot tether you here
alas, life slips by
as a passing shadow
you too,
of little consequence
will fade away

Don't you ever think before
you open your mouth?
I swear to god, this brazen bluster
puts your IQ in doubt
I liken you to a bottle of
Impotent self-doubt
You work yourself up until-
BAM! It explodes out

There are seriously so many things
I'm trying not to say
'Cause some of us have manners
And a smidgen of good grace
If you'd chew over the issue
Before screaming to wake hell-
Oh, sorry, guess that's too much
For your singular brain cell...

I'm addicted to pain
And desperation
Long nights with burning eyes
Keeping myself awake and
Hating myself for it, aching for it
Yearning for the dull exhaustion of the morning
Hollowed-eyed, isolated, feral
Looking like I feel, for once, and
Hating myself for it, aching for it

Life has been frantic for so long
I get anxious when it's not
I feel guilty and wrong and
I'd rather burn myself out
Again and again and again
Restless with the urge to get up,
To move, to burn,
To fight my own, inherent brokenness
Again and again and again

I feel like a freak
As I dig my nails into my skin
So I won't crawl out of it
When I'm not in pain
My hands shake and I want to scream
I'm so good at faking it,
But I'm never not afraid
When I'm out of sight,
My hands shake and I want to scream

Don't exert too much pressure;
It's only a heart
It'll break if you test it
If you cut, it'll scar
You should handle it gently
With compassion and care
A heart that's unbroken
Is precious... and rare.

i'll bet you don't know pain like I do
bruises and aches form a beautiful painting
green and purple, cruel and patient
and the picture feels like home
i'll bet you don't miss pain like I do
the stab of something snapped or broken
twisted, wasted, lose all hope, and-
ah, this feels like home

My face is a study in cheekbones and shadows
And still
I remember a time when I felt at peace
Before my eyes grew distant
I was softer, fuller of colour and life
My smile, my pout, my laugh
Are a remnant of lost days
Now I paste them over too-sharp eyes
And a stiff jaw
Feeling hideously unnatural
An imposter in my own skin
To save myself
I withdrew from myself
I think
I have been away for too long

Rhyme comes easy-
Which word rhymes with this word-
And all that
Although if poetry was just rhyming
And timing
It would fall flat
There’s something hidden in the words
You can taste it
The perfect phrase and all the ways
A human heart
Can be paraphrased-
You can’t fake it
These words aren’t just words
They’re feelings and you’ve earnt them
That hollow in your soul
Where it hurts?
This pain is worth it

Things will always be the way they are now
So I refuse to believe that
I can change the world
All by myself
I want to make a difference
But then I realise
"It's too hard"
"I won't even try"
Some people say
If we're together, we're stronger
I know in my heart that
This is wrong
And you must agree that
"Failure is worse than death"
I've heard it said again and again
Never trying at all
Is better than
Trying and failing to save the world


Now read from the bottom to the top.

Who are you
When no-one sees your face?
When the mask becomes so
Familiar you forget it's just a fake
Who are you
When you forget how to cry?
When your hands are still, although
You're trembling inside

Who are you
When even the mirror lies?
You catch sight of your reflection
And you SMILE, but you're dead inside
Who are you
And why do you hide away?
Two-Face, your face is beautiful
I hope you wear it right, some day

I cannot be this broken thing
Clinging onto you
I've not the happiness to spare
Or share with someone new
My heart is much too fragile
My path too wandering
One day I may feel ready
Right now, I feel worn thin
Too stressed, too blessed, too lonely
To split myself in two
When I'm whole again, I'll find myself
Then, maybe, I'll find you