Everyone's always asking are you ok
Are you depressed?
It is natural to say I'm fine
But are we really?
Everyone never reacts to the thought that we might not be ok
In our minds things can be serious, in our minds, everything can be real
The next day we get a note in our locker
It says
”I care about what you are thinking, please tell me what is wrong…”
But the thing was they are the problem
We keep on answering the note they gave us
It might have been a little white lie
In our minds, we kept saying
”It is hard to answer the question what is wrong when nothing's right”
What are we going to do about these feelings, we can't hide them or people will notice
But we don't want to tell anyone or they will think we are crazy
People don’t understand what is happening in our minds
People don’t understand why they are being treated like they are a nothing
People try to act like they understand but do they really understand
Do they really understand the pain we are going through
Do they really know why we snap
Do they really know what we are thinking about
No, they don’t they don’t understand anything
They don’t understand about the world hunger that is happening
They don’t understand about the world hate
They don’t understand the fate that is leading towards them
So the question is “Are you?”
People always ask what are you saying
What are you talking about
Are you going to be the one that helps us
Are you going to be the one there
Are you?

Why did you choose the guy over me
Why did you let me go
What made you think that I am ok
I am not ok
I am not letting you ruin my life
I am not going to let your mistakes hurt me
You say he is the love of your life
But is he?
Is he the one you want to ruin your life with
Is he the one you want to have a fifth child with
You  keep on telling me no but is it the truth
Is it the reason you gave me up
Is it the reason  YOU put this drama in my life
All these questions have been going through my mind my whole life
All of these questions you can’t even answer yourself
Why is it that the choices you are making affecting me
You are speechless because you know I am right
You know that the pain is becoming too much
Are you the reason
Is he the reason
I don’t even know anymore
I don’t even know if you are my mother
If you were a true mother you would understand why I wrote this poem
If you were a true mother you would do anything to get me back
You would do anything to have me call you my mother
You would do anything to gain my trust back
Why the choices
Are you the one that has to change
Is it me that has to change
I don’t even know the answer to that question
Are people supposed to give you sympathy
What are we supposed to do about it
We can’t do anything because it is your fault
It is your fault you lost everything
It is your fault that everything went wrong

I always have to work so hard for everything.
My money
My average grades
The parts in plays
And the hardest thing of all:
My happiness

Shouldn't we just be given happiness?
I guess not
Because I never just get it
I always have to earn it

****, it's hard to earn

I am so drained
Emotionally and physically
It's hard to keep my head up
Especially when I can't earn you

You are the only thing
The only person
That just gives me happiness
Like I've already earned it

Thank you.

Thank you for my happiness
And for the hilarious fights we have
And for the times we spend together
Even if you don't know how much it means to me

Just thank you
For not making me earn it.

Thank you.

There once was a boy
Who thought he was in love.
Though she treated him like a toy
He thought her an angel sent from above.

He called her his very very first love,
Though he was still young.
He didn’t care she was abusive
She didn’t care she made him choose and,
He didn’t care she cheated
....
But he did care when she wanted to leave him.

There once was a boy
Who finally got over a girl
She’d been very coy,
But she was no longer his world.
Until she came back suddenly.
....
He didn’t know how to feel or who to be.

There once was a boy
Who fell for a new girl
She filled him with joy
And he loved watching her spin and twirl.
Albeit uncomfortable at times
She was still always on his mind.
Until she started to disappear
She was here then there
....
And then no where.

There once was a boy
Who fell, once again,
For the girl who could disappear.
Only this time he held up a mirror.
So he could be there for himself,
When she left like everyone else.
But as he grew on himself,
He started thinking of her like everyone else.
And he knew he had to end what they had.
Because a relationship like that would just be bad
When she knew she began to cry,
....
But all he could say was goodbye.

There once was a boy
Who tried to avoid
Any more notions of love
Until he was sure that was what he would want.
So he stayed far away,
From the girls who’d say “hey”.
And he stayed far away,
From the girls who wanted to stay.
He just wrote what he wrote
Meaning every word, every note.
Until one day he read a confession
....
What now? Well that’s a pretty good question.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Since I last talked to you? Because it feels like lately all you’ve been doing is yell at me and I stay quiet.
I keep holding back my tears, biting my tongue... I don’t want to look weak, but I don’t want to lash out at you either, so I stay quiet.
Every word you spit in my face, every insult you throw at it… it doesn’t break my bones, but it hurts me in ways I could never have imagined, yet I stay quiet.
Though, lately, they seem to bounce back a lot more than they used to, or maybe my sense of pain has just been dulled, so I stay quiet.

To tell you the truth, you’re not good for me.
You like to beat me up when I’m defenseless.
You tell me my problems don’t matter when I’m hurt.
You call me an attention ***** for reaching out to others.
You confuse me with your mixed signals and overthinking.
You make me feel alone and unloved when I need others the most.

You’ve made me lose motivation to become a better person.

Because maybe I really am that bad. I try to look ahead of me, towards the future, but you keep beckoning me to look back.
At all the mistakes that I’ve made.
And I know, there’s a lot of them, each one worse than the last, but you act as if that’s all I do, as if no one will ever love me because of it.
And the thought of that hurts…
So much.

You’ve left a hole in my heart where my inspiration and motivation used to be, because you keep bashing my work, telling me it will never live up to my expectations. I can’t even begin to count how many of my writings’ deaths you have on your name.

Even right now, when I’m going through a lot already, you just can’t resist to make me feel even worse, can you? Whispering in my ear that I don’t try, even though I do; that I will fail when I need to believe that I will succeed.

But I’m done taking this abuse.
And if you think that means I’ll retaliate, you’re sorely mistaken, because I’m not going to fight fire with fire.
If you think that means I’m finally going to leave you, you couldn’t be more wrong, because I need you more than anything.
No, instead I will love you, because you’re all I have and I am all you have. I hope that one day, we can set our differences aside and work together to be better. You haven’t always been like this and I know that deep inside you’re still the same person I’ve once come to know, the person I’ve once come to love.

So remember, despite everything, I will always love you.

Love,
Alexander

When you find yourself drowning in self-hate, you have to remind yourself that you weren’t born feeling this way. That at some point in your journey, some person or experience sent you the message that there was something wrong with who you are, and you internalized those messages and took them on as your truth. But that hate isn’t yours to carry, and those judgments aren’t about you. And in the same way that you learned to think badly of yourself, you can learn to think new, self-loving and accepting thoughts. You can learn to challenge those beliefs, take away their power, and reclaim your own. It won’t be easy, and it won’t happen over night. But it is possible. And it starts when you decide that there has to be more to life than this pain you feel. It starts when you decide that you deserve to discover it