I am not afraid
Of very much
Not because I'm brave
Strong and fearless
But because I am too
Numb to be afraid

I am not afraid
Of very much
But what I am afraid of
I am terrified of

I am not afraid
Of very much
But I am beyond terrified
Of three things
In this life

The first thing being
Falling in love
That does not mean
I am afraid of love
For love is a nice thing
Gentle smiles and
Friendly laughs
That lead to hugs
Kind words
But no kisses
Just loving the other person

Falling in love however
That is a terrifying thing
To crave their company
Every hour of the day
To wish to know
What secrets their
Smiles could hide
The aching need to
Be with them
That terrifies me

The second thing is
That I am afraid
Of being powerless
In all essences
Defenseless
Weak
Unable to stop
Awful, terrible,
Catastrophic things
From happening

The third and last
The greatest fear
I have
Is that I am afraid
Of being alone
It is a crushing
Crippling weight
The weight of that fear

I am afraid of being alone
In both senses
In having no one by
My side
No one out there
In this small-wide world
Who cared
And in being able
To stand in a crowd
With numbers reaching
Ten thousands
Yet no one to
Know my name
Or worse yet
They knew my name
And my story
Yet they didn't care

These three things
Are my three fears
They might be small
At least in number
But they are
Everything

Isn't it funny?
I'm completely numb
And I'm still afraid
Perhaps I fear
My own numbness
Four fears isn't bad
Yet they are awful

I love my scars
They are long
And ugly
They twist my skin

I love my scars
They are thin
And many
They mar my hips

I love my scars
They are white
And bumpy
They criss-cross my body

I love my scars
Because they showed me
My darkest hours
All in one little line
They give me strength
Never to return there

Because I may love my scars
But I do not need more
For I am past the point
Of collecting scars

You wanted to be
My savior
My rescuer
The one to spirit me away
From all the hurt

You wanted to be
The one to fix all
My issues
And solve
All my problems

You wanted to be
The one to glue the
Itty bitty shards of myself
Back together

You wanted to be
My savior
Was it because you thought
That I was too weak
To save myself?

You can be many things
But I will not allow you
To be my savior

I am the only one
Who can save myself
That's the wonderful thing
That's the awful thing

In the end
I am the only one
Who can save myself
I am the only one
Who can **** myself

I think that you
Wanted to be my savior
Because you wanted to
Rescue a broken girl
Glue me back together

But instead of glue
Which leave broken glass people
Weak after it's all together
I used the scorching
Fires from that suffering
That you weren't allowed
To take me out of
I forged a new self from those flames
One made of steel
Instead of glass

I may have lots of
Burn scars
From smithing myself
But I think it's better
Than no scars at all

You wanted to be
My savior
Perhaps it wasn't because
You thought I was too
Weak
But maybe because
You didn't
Couldn't
Trust me to
Try to save myself

maybe you were right

What is an oxymoron:
It’s a contradiction in itself
That still exists anyway

An oxymoron
Would be thunder on
A clear day

Or an ocean
On fire
Or deafening
Silence

For a while, I wrote
People into being oxymorons
Girls with eyes that
Burned with wildfire
Yet hearts that were
Colder than the northern ice caps
(I thought that the colder
Your heart was
The better chance of being
Okay you had)

I wrote of people
Who had the gentlest hands
But the hardest eyes
I loved my story
Of the girl who was in the
Best relationship
But didn’t believe in love

I wanted to be
An oxymoron
Something hard to fathom
And figure out, something
Miraculous and curious

Then I realized
That I’ve always been an oxymoron
I’ve been told that my smiles
Were the brightest
But I’d look in the mirror and see
That my eyes were dead
And empty

I saw that I became an
Oxymoron of my own
The second that I became
A perfectly controlled catastrophe
So that my ragged edges
And awful mess
Wouldn’t touch  anyone else

I knew that I was an
Oxymoron the second that I
Started doing everything
Out of love
Yet I did not believe in
Love at all

I became an oxymoron
And I hate it
Because I want to break apart
And fall into a million pieces
But I need to hold myself
Together even if it’s agony

I am an oxymoron of sorts
And I do not know
If I am weaker
Or stronger for it

There are wings
Trapped beneath
My fragile skin

There are stars
Trapped beneath
My blue-green eyes

There are demons
Trapped beneath
My light hair

There are forests
Trapped beneath
My rib cage

There are supernovas
Trapped beneath
My fingertips

There are all these
Wild, wonderful, beautiful
Things trapped within me

But instead,
All that comes out is
Ugly, awful, hideous
Destruction

I wish you could
See my stars and forests
I wish we could explore them
I wish that I could
Show someone my wings
And fly to the supernovas
That resides in my fingertips

I want to show
All these stunning things
But they are
Trapped
Just like me

Everyone needs something
I hate needing
Needing anything
Apart from what I can
Find in myself

I hate needing
I think it makes me weak
I think that I need
Because I am weak

I thought that need was bad
I thought need was weakness
Then I met you
And I hate needing
To write this poem
About my need for you

But as much as I
Hate needing you
I could never
Hate you

I need you when
I am facing off
Against monsters
Twice my size

I need you when
Everything is perfectly
Calm and quiet
And all the stars
Hang in the sky
Waiting for two souls of the same stardust
To admire them

I need you when
Everything is going to Hell
And when it feels
As if we're in Heaven

I need you in
The morning before
The dawn has graced the sky
And at night
When the moon starts
To show her pale face

I need you in
The most innocent way
Gentle, laughing eyes
And soft smiles
In hugs and tender touches
Full of love
And hands that don't dive
Beneath folds of clothes
But instead brush my very heart
And eyes that gaze into my soul
Instead of my body

I need you in
The most passionate way
In dark, blazing eyes
Wicked smiles
Kisses pressed to my
Lips throat and spine
Full body length touches
Pressed against a wall
And hands that touch
The skin underneath my clothes
Because they've already
Touched my very heart
Eyes that gaze upon my body
And see because they've already seen my soul

I need you in every way
I need you so much
That I fear it may
Cause my destruction
Wild
Wonderful
Chaotic
Destruction

I need you
I think you may need me too
But I think
I may need you
More than you need me
Please don't ever leave

Kiss me like
I am your savior
Rescuing you
From deep
Dark water

Kiss me like
I am a feast
And you are
Starving, hungry
Desperate
For me

Kiss me like
We are to lose
All sense of time
Lost in this one kiss

Kiss me like
You are leaving
And saying goodbye
But never really leave

Kiss me like
I mean the stars
And the moon
The oceans and
Mountains and
Everything in between
To you

Kiss me like
I am your
First kiss and
You are shy

Kiss me like
You are a wildfire
And I am
Only dry tinder
To be consumed by your flames

Kiss me like
I am the last
Breath of air
On a dying planet

Kiss me like
This is everything
You want
And nothing
You want to leave

Kiss me like
You are kissing away
The sadness in
My soul

Kiss me like
You think
I should be kissed

In the end
I just want you
To kiss me