You have been through quite a lot. I have put you through quite a lot, and I wanted to say I’m sorry. You did not deserve what I put you through, yet you still remain strong which amazes me. I’m sorry for all the hurt I put on you, the sleepless nights, biting my lips until they bled, the countless meals I made you skip, and the amount of food I shoved into you. You cried out for me to stop but I didn't listen, I was trying so hard to find my voice and I wasn’t willing to listen to you.
    I put you aside after he touched you where he wasn't supposed too. Everything reminded me of those nights, when I was all alone, with no one to save me. I resented you because you looked so much like him and I wanted nothing to do with it. But that wasn’t your fault and it was nothing I could control. I am sorry for not giving you a chance.
    My body, you are beautiful, not too fat. You are strong, not too weak, and you have overcome such horrible things. I’m sorry I didn't feed you when you were hungry and when I kept feeding you when you had too much to eat. I’m sorry for giving you away so quickly to a boy I hardly even knew. I'm sorry for straightening my hair enough to burn it to make it look like everybody else’s, and not like his. I’m sorry for covering you up with so much makeup so I didn't have to see the same cheeky smile he has. And I'm sorry I never gave my nails a break from constant nail polish, cutting, and sanding down so my hands looked nothing like his. He broke me and I punished you for it, because you look so much like the bad guy in my dreams. And to my heart and brain, I’m sorry for not giving you the time to process the feelings, I'm sorry for not giving you the opportunity to rest and heal from it all. Instead I worked you too hard and let people walk all over us to not cause anymore chaos. There was an earthquake inside of me for so long and now what's left are beautiful mountains that I intend to climb, and hike, and enjoy the journey and reminisce on all the things that got me to where I am. Now I'll get to enjoy the view.
    I will make a change to listen to you, and let you have a voice. Now I will give you the best of what you deserve and never settle for anything less. I thank God for you and I only hope that with time I will learn to love you as much my God does, and as much as my husband does. Because you are worthy of this love. And I can't wait to love you harder.

With love,
Me.

You are a perfectly jumbled up mess.
One that hurts
Laughs
Cries
And rejoices.
You are not made for perfection.
You are made to feel.
And that in itself is pretty **** beautiful.

So I ask.
Please do not wait for me.
Because while  you will be stuck in the game that it is
I will be free, moving, and experiencing new things.
I do not want you to be so consumed with hope that when it fails you it also destroys you.
Trust me. I have waited.
And I have been crushed by the entity of time with no hope of return.
I am just finding my way back.
And I won't let that cycle reach you too.

“You.” She said with tears in her eyes and exhaustion in her tone.
And even though she only said one word
I knew
That it carried the whole weight of the world.

I didn’t want this.
I didn’t want him to leave but he did.
I didn’t want her to break me but she did.
I didn’t want him to take advantage of me but he did.

What I wanted was a dad who would stay.
What I wanted was a friend who would be there for me no matter what.
What I wanted was a man I could trust to keep his hands away from me.  

I am afraid of getting my hopes up.
And yet I still feel saddened when people don’t come through.
I’m so tired of living in fear.
But my mind revolves around what ifs,
And memories,
And brokenness.
And what if, when I try to think differently, and I get my hopes up, it’s all for nothing? And I am left alone again?

I didn’t know that you needed help too.
Maybe if I knew then then things would be different.
But the thing is, I still needed you.
I needed you to be strong.
To tell me it was it all going to be okay.
That I would fall, break, get up, and climb again.
I wanted you to tell me that I didn’t have to suffer in silence.
But I suffered. And I stayed silent.
I might be strong but I would have rathered had a friend.

I told you the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Something I have never even whispered  to the world.
Or even to myself.
You shed the same tears I did for years.
You asked the same questions I asked for years.
“Why haven’t you told anybody?”
“Why are you telling me now?”
I shrugged and looked out the car window.
“Shame is a funny thing,” I said softly,
“Telling someone makes it real”
I was hoping it was all a dream.
Now all I can think about is how someone knows.
And that I almost regret it.

I’m getting older now.
20 years old.
Soon to be engaged.
Sooner to be a wife.
You wouldn’t think that I would get this far would you?
To be living, loving, forgiving, and forgetting.
There are still closet doors I do not open tho.
Still things I don’t tell anyone not even myself.
One, because I did not think it was real.
Two, because how could someone ever do that to a child?
And three, I was so ashamed of even thinking about that.
I’ve only told one person in my entire life.
But they still love me despite what you said.
Im not angry or sad.
Or ashamed or *****.
God made me new, God healed my brokenness.
So I guess that means you lost?
I’m smirking from afar.
As you now live with the shame and fear and doubt.
Fearing the same monsters in your dark closet.

You are worried that I cannot live without him,
The thing is though that I can.
But why would I want to?

Why would I want to live without his smile?
Without his laugh?
The way he looks at me,
Like I am the only star in the sky.
Why would I want to live without him?
His gentle nature,
The firm way he holds me when I’m alseep.
He tucks me into his bed which he tells me will someday be ours.
And whispers to me that 2019?
That is going to be our year.
While he kisses me on the forehead and giggles like a little boy filled with joy.
Why would I want to love anyone else?
He shows me his demons and I show him mine.
He tells that he loves me anyway.
If something ever happened, and he left me like you did.
Would I make it without him?
Yes.
But the point is, why would I have too?

Haven’t called in a year
Haven’t sent a package
Or a letter
Why not Dad?
Where are you?
Why do you always have to leave?
It’s not what Dads do
Please come home soon.
Tomorrow’s my Birthday
I’m turning seven
You promised you’d be back by now
But your not,
You missed my 5th, 6th, and now 7th
That’s three years
I wish you could try to come home by my next birthday
I write and talk to you every day
I hope you know that
I hope you talk to me too
And I hope you’re still alive
And tell me that you are
I have to go to bed now
It's morning your time
I hope you have a good day
And every day I remind myself,
That maybe someday
Somehow you will come home.

I’m glad we met.
And honestly, I don’t regret the memories we made.
I don’t regret falling in love with you,
And loving you more than I could love myself.

I don’t regret falling out of love either.
I don’t regret learning to love myself more than I wanted to love you.

That’s a part of love is growing into and out of the things that make you into the person you are yesterday, the person you are today, and the person you are tomorrow.

I don’t regret anything.

People always say that time heals.

But the more time that passes, the more painful it becomes.

But on the other hand the more time passes the easier it’s getting for me to be without you.

So... in a way time is doing both,

Hurting and healing

Burning and regrowing,

All into something new.

So always be thankful of the past.

For without it, you would not be the person you are here today.

all the memories you and I shared together,
i never thought that you yourself would actually become one,

and yet here you are fading into a blurred image
and to be honest...

I don't really mind.

the way she gets up every day after all she has been through
all that she is still going through
that is pure strength
that is a beautiful thing.

"i promise," she said quietly to herself,
"i promise that I won't let them hurt me anymore.
i will be stronger than them."

after so much heartbreak in her life
after so many people came into her home, made a mess and broke things
just to leave and make her clean it up by herself
she locked the doors and built a gated wall.
she leaves her windows open but she never lets people inside.
she is rebuilding her beautiful home,
she is making an astonishingly glorious garden
she is making all the pain into a beautiful mosaic
with a "do not touch" sign underneath.
she is becoming brand new
and it's such a beautiful thing.